“Ahem, I understand, Miss Quimble, there’s some problem with your rental? I ran up from the village as soon as I could.”

“It’s the neighbors. They simply won’t do Mr. Riggs. I’ve rented this cottage for the summer, and the neighbors simply won’t do.” She pulled him to a window and pointed to a nearby cottage with lights in all it’s windows.

“Exactly what is the problem, ma’am?” Mr. Riggs wanted his tenants to be happy.

” I’ll show you!” Grabbing a coat from beside the back door she pulled him out into the storm. Quietly yet briskly she walked down the dark, desolate path, Mr. Riggs in tow.

“Quaggy terrain, pounding rain; how the hell did I end up in this place?”, the reluctant landlord asked himself. Was his tenant crazy? He gazed at her. She appeared perfectly respectable, in a middle class way, despite the fact that she was now soaking wet. His gaze moved to the cottage which was upsetting her and his eyes widened. The pair stood in the shadow of an great pine and simply stared. His guest was sane. Quirky, maybe, but definitely not crazy. The same could not be said, apparently, of his other tenants.

“They are dressed as clowns.” Mrs. Quimble, said. “All day, all night. The honking of bicycle horns at 3 A.M. is driving me mad.”

“They are dressed as clowns.” Ethan Riggs couldn’t believe his eyes.

“They ride their unicycles up and down the path behind the cottages all day.”

“They ride their unicycles…” Mr. Riggs was dazed.

“Quit quoting me. And go speak to them. Particulary about the loudness of the calliope. About the bright costumes, which are singularly incongrous to nature and scare away the birds. Mr. Riggs, either the clowns go or I do.” She was a strong, firm woman. She gave him a push, out of the bushes and into the cottage’s front yard.

Mr. Riggs staggered forward, collected himself and continued on to knock on the door. There was no answer, other than the faint roll of drums. He knocked again. The door was opened by a man in a tuxedo with long tails. “QUIET!! Can’t you see I’m trying to saw my assistant in half.” The man pulled him into the cottage and shoved him into a seat. Mr. Riggs was sqeezed between a clown in bright yellow baggy suit and what appeared to one half of a pair of Siamese twins. The act before him continued.

When it was over, he found the ringmaster, who was most obliging and apologetic, when he explained about the complaints of the neighbors. He was just glad Miss Quimble hadn’t seen the lions in the third bedroom and the elephant in the potting shed..

2.Quietly yet briskly she walked down the dark, desolate path.

3. Quaggy terrain, pounding rain; how the hell did I end up in this place?

4. Quirky, maybe, but definitely not crazy.

5. Quit quoting me

6. QUIET!! Can’t you see I’m trying to________!

My name is Jack Spade. You mighta heard of me, but if ya haven’t, no skin off my nose. I recently solved a case I called ‘The Big Chill,’ for which I got paid quite well. Funny thing is, I made more money off that case than I was paid. See it was all about smuggled diamonds, but nobody would say how many were actually in that pouch.

*Quirky, maybe, but definitely not crazy. At least that’s what I was telling myself right now. *Quaggy terrain, pounding rain; how the hell did I end up in this place? Yeah you know, don’ cha? Same way I wind up most places unhealthy. A dame of course.

*Quietly yet briskly she walked down the dark, desolate path to my boat. She was new, the boat, not the dame. She, the dame that is, was, well, let’s say she had a few miles on her. But she was still pretty classy in my eyes. Maybe that was my mistake, all dames look good to me. What d’ya expect for 1941?

So she jumps on my boat, leaving mud all over my freshly washed deck. And of course the rain followed her, shoulda been my first clue.

“*Quickly, slam the door! Slam the door now, I say” I yelled at her as the water ran over the steps onto my new rug.

She started to talk in a haughty tone, the kind that drives me crazy. I bet she could nag a horse to death with that voice. Time to show her who was boss here.

“*Quiet, can’t you see I’m trying to watch the paint dry!” I cracked.

She didn’t like that, but she got the hint. I let her steam before I finally asked her what she was doing on my boat. When she told me, I dam near kissed her.

She knew where the Butler was. Knew who he was in fact, he was her old man and she was tired of his fooling around. She wanted me to nail his hide, so to speak. Or maybe she really meant it, but I wanted to take him in alive. I had a score to settle with that bum, I already had his girlfriend locked up.

So there was I was, hunched against the rain once again, watching for movement. I knew it had been a mistake to let her tag along, but she insisted on being there.

“So you still watching the paint dry?” she said sweetly. Like a hungry tiger, that kind of sweet.

“*Quit quoting me, sweetheart,” I shot back. “It only works when it comes outta my mouth.”

“I see,’ she said, back to haughty.

“No,” I said, with my famous smile flashing, “I see. I see your old man walking down the path, looking like a drowned rat. Wonder why he seems so down in the dumps?”

I didn’t wait for her answer, I stuck to the shadows and circled around behind the Butler. I knew he was quick like a snake so I didn’t even bother saying hello. I just knocked him silly with the butt of my .38. Then I looked to see where the dame was.

Dames. Why do I always fall for the wrong dames? Soaked through from waiting for this cheeseball, and now I’m running away from another dame with a gun in her mitt. Maybe from now on, I’ll just stick to my boat. After all, the kinda ice I got on board isn’t gonna melt too fast, and I sure ain’t gonna put it in my drink. Why is it always dames?

Micheal had yelled from the kitchen “Invite them in” but they had already sailed past me going straight towards the kitchen,…… like moths to a flame.

The woman had descended upon Micheal, catlike eyes glittering. She shot me a glance before she bared her fangs, then threw back her head and laughed wickedly!

“Sorry, ma cherie” she said to the man, “We will share this one”

Her gaze was fixed on Micheal.

Her lips smacked as her eyes lit on his throat…..her cold eyes then riveted on my medallion.

“SHE is one of the ‘OFF-LIMITS’…what a waste”

I had screamed then…as loud as I could , but there was no one to hear. My survival instinct kicked in all at once and I grabbed Micheals hunting rifle pointing it straight at the mans head.

“OUT” I yelled “BOTH OF YOU, GET THE **** OUT NOW!!!” Their eyes met breifly, they walked out as if in slow motion.

“QUICKLY, slam the the door!” I yelled to Micheal “Slam the door now, I say!!”

Micheal looked at me like I had grown an extra head.

“Are you crazy??” he asked . Quirky, maybe, but definately not crazy!!

I quickly surmised that he was mesmerized by the vampire *****!! I had to protect the idiot from his own foolish desires!

I knew that the blood sucking pair would not be thwarted that easily….WHAT COULD I DO??…….

I fingered the medallion around my neck, knowing it was my only protection. Micheal by this time was gazing forlornly towards the door, the big galoot!! He started whining about my inhospitallity! It was the last straw!

QUIET!! Can’t you see I’m trying to find a way to save your sorry *** life!!?? I yelled at him. He glared at me.

“Quit quoting me, for God’s sake!” he said. I realized at that point that he was out of it…

I looked out the window to see if the dark pair were still out there. They were!

Quietly yet briskly, she walked down the dark desolate path, her gruesome partner right behind her. I knew it was a trick!! They would come back! I decided our only chance was to escape from the opposite direction!! I grabbed Micheal and we left out the back door following the back trail.

The rain was coming down in torrents, drenching the ground and forming rivers that ran over my sneakered feet as we marched on, one simple goal in mind……..to get to somewhere warm and dry before they could find us!! . Micheal had no idea what was going on…..thankfully!

Finally we spotted a house in the distance…lights were on in the living room!! We hobbled , half dead to the front door and knocked……………….