Circa 1876

Kitty Russell was in the dress shop tryng on the latest fashions from St. Louis. The shop owner, Calvin Kleinsdale, handed her a dress he thought was just right.

Kitty:” Hmmmm…What size is it?”

Mr. K :” Size 0.”

Kitty:” (1) Size 0? Who wears size 0? I couldn’t wear size 0 at birth !”

Mr. K.: “Well, how about this one? Your basic black…..with just a HINT of white.”

Kitty tried it on:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/55147766@N00/87771627/

Kitty: “It’s okay, but I wouldn’t want to get in the habit of something so drab.” ( Get it? Habit….)

An old woman on her way out of the store looked at Kitty and said:”Oh, Miss Kitty. You look perfectly saintly.”

Kitty whispered to the store owner……”(3.) What does she know? All her taste is in her mouth.”

She finally settled on a green dress that was JUST her style:

http://www.poster.net/de-lempicka-tamara/de-lempicka-tamara-girl-in-a-green-dress-1930-2802829.jpg

As the shop owner was wrapping it for her, his wife came down the stairs…..”Dear? I’m going out for a spot of tea. Care to join me?”

Mr. Kleinsdale:” Just as soon as I finish with this customer,

Crackerjack.”

Mrs. K. noticed Kitty’s perplexed expression…..”(4) I got that nickname because nobody would kick me out of bed for eating crackers.”

Kitty: ” Uh, huh…..Whatever.”

As Kitty was on her way back to the Longbranch, she ran right into a little boy who was playing on the boardwalk. She dropped her package and twisted her ankle. Her screaming could be heard all over town! Matt Dillon, U.S.Marshal, and her former boyfriend, came out of his office ….. “Whoa, Kitty!!! Simmer down.”

Kitty:” MATT!!! I want this small adult arrested for deliberately trying to hurt me!!!’

Matt:” (5.) A child is no more a small adult than cake batter is a small cake. They’re just not done.”

Kitty:” Are you on druuuuuuuugs ?!” ( in a voice ala the judge in “My Cousin Vinny”!)

As Kitty limped away, the sounds of the Dodge City Cowboy Band could be heard.

Kitty:”What is that God AWFUL racket?!”

Matt:”Oh, that’s a brand new style of music…..Kinda catchy, ain’t it? It’s called Jazz.”

“Kitty: “(2) That’s jazz? I think they all just dropped their music.”

Matt started tapping his foot wildly and twirlling around.

Kitty:”Am I having a stroke and this is some kind of a horrific halluciation ?!” To make matters worse, Matt’s new girlfriend and Kitty’s #1 nemesis, Sunshine MacGuillicutty, ran over to Matt and started dancing:

http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/conservation/reveal/graphics/large/swerdlow_charleston.jpg

Kitty:” I’m in hell. I’ve entered hell! When?”

Just then a sales clerk materialised out of the woodwork. “That is a lovely suit isn’t it dear? And you would look FABULOUS in it, shall I help you find your size?”

” Does it come in 3X” ? I asked maintaining a straight face. Jean snickered! The clerk eyed me up and down. “Uh…,no dear, the PLUS sizes are on the other side of the store.

As she walked away Jean and I cracked up!

“What does she know? I said. “All of her taste is probably in her mouth anyways” Jean laughed. “I think she works on commission, ‘DEAR'” For her sake I hoped not!!

We both finally settled on basic black one pieces and decided to shop for some cd’s next.

I loved most kinds of music but somehow had never gotten into Jazz. Neither had Jean. She was fussing at the sales clerk about the “current selection” that was playing.

“That’s Jazz?” she asked him. “I think they all just dropped their music” He smiled. “We have a nice selection of “disco” music over here” It was my turn to snicker!

She glared at him! I intervened!

“Do you have any Elvis”? I asked. As he guided me toward Elvis, Jean grumpily stated “If HE works on commision he’s in BIG trouble!!!”

I purchased “Elvis’s Greatest Hits” and while the sales clerk wasn’t looking Jean had hastily selected “Disco Fever”!!!

On the way home we stopped for a snack. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror on the way in and instantly thought of my childhood nickname “Butterball”. I got that nickname because nobody would kick me out of bed for eating crackers with peanut butter! I had been a pudgy child and HATED the nickname! My mom had appeased me with one of her witticisms ” A child is no more a small adult than cake batter is a small cake. They’re just not done!! And you, young lady are not done!! When you get a little older you’ll lose all that baby fat” She was right! I had been slim for most of my adult life untill recently!!

I had exactly one month before the Hamptons weekend and I vowed at that moment to lose those stinking ten pounds of pure blubber!! I ordered a salad with lowfat dressing and a tab. The only butterball around here would be come next November at Thanksgiving!!

good job, ladies…

=) dee