I pushed open the door to The Smoker, a seedy, run-down bar in a seedy, run-down part of downtown. The light pierced the darkness inside and I could see him sitting at the end of the bar. I walked over and took the bar stool next to his.

He’d already had a few. His head hovered about half-mast above his drink. “Ask directions for a genie in a bottle of Jim Beam, and she lies to you,” I murmured to him.

He snapped out of his stupor and lifted his head to look at me. Word was that Bat Boy had been here at The Smoker every day for the past several weeks. Sure, when he first heard that the Weekly World News was folding, he tried to find another job, but there were few for men of his. . . qualifications. How was he to find another job? He’s been too closely identified with the Weekly World News to work for another tabloid.

“Listen, kid, ya gotta go out and find another gig,” I pleaded with him. “Use the needle of your compass to sew up your broken heart, and go see the Enquirer. If you’re going through hell, the only thing that’ll pick you up is to find another job and be useful. Besides, America will ALWAYS have a soft spot for a creature that’s half bat and half boy. We THRIVE on unlikely beings. Look at Sasquatch.”

“I used to know Sasquatch,” he muttered, his voice raspy because of his chain-smoking. “I’ve even run into Elvis a few times in the last couple of years. I coulda been big. I ran for Governor of California in 2003 — just got bumped by that over-grown Austrian body builder. I even had a musical in New York and London. Now, I can’t get a job as a WalMart greeter.”

“Well, I’ve been deep down in that darkness,” I reminded him.

“But the good news is. . . . there’s angels everywhere. While you’re on your knees, you might as well be praying. C’mon. Let’s go dust you off and see if we can’t find you a decent agent.”

When you’re down in your cups, that’s when you learn the truth. I took Bat Boy to Robert Hall and we bought him a nice new suit, with two pairs of pants. We spiffed up his resume some, and then I made a few calls, pulled a few strings, and got him an interview with the same agent who’s handling the space alien who abducted the lady with the potato that resembled Mother Theresa.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat_Boy Weekly World News, home publication of Bat Boy, published its last issue on August 27.

IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH HELL, WELL I”VE BEEN DEEP DOWN IN THAT DARKNESS myself. THAT’S WHEN YOU LEARN THE TRUTH about yourself, who you really are.

It was Saturday night and I was working vice in the upper south side of the park. My names Ranger Rick and I carry a badge (and a flashlight and some keys and a bunch of other neat stuff). I had a tip from Genie that the Chipmunk gang was moving illegal nuts. I found Genie face down in a bottle of Jim Beam, but that’s another story.

The Chipmunks are a slippery and slimy group, not as bad as Franklin Street Frogs but bad enough that I needed help to bust them anywhere I could find it. The problem is, when you ASK DIRECTIONS FROM A GENIE IN A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM AND SHE LIES TO YOU, that lie can get you hurt.

Usually the chipmunks dealt in illicit tail so this was nuts. To make matters worse, The Southy Squirrels were after the nuts too, so I had to bust the Chipmunks fast. Mostly for their own good.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS…..THERES’S ANGELS EVERYWHERE, and Hells Angels don’t like chipmunks invading the campground. They eat through the baggies and steal all the pot. Anyway the Hells Angels had spotted the Chipmunks and called me in. It took me a while to find them. I broke my compass last week. This forest fairy had told me to USE THE NEEDLE OF YOUR COMPASS TO SEW UP YOUR BROKEN HEART. So now I have a broken heart and a broken compass, stupid fairy.

When I arrived at the Angels camp they had already caught the Chipmunks and had the leader on his knees with his front paws behind his head, little fingers interlaced together just like on the show Cops. “WHILE YOUR ON YOUR KNEES, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE PRAYIN”, I said. I put the little rascals into a “Have Heart” trap and took them off to the ranger station for booking.

So this was my hell, and the truth about me was that I’m a Ranger first and foremost. Love just isn’t in the cards for me.

As i sat in the small room, talking to Grandma…. she looked at me, lovingly and said, “Beans honey, I’ve lived a long life…. a very long life. I’ve had my good days and my bad days, and i’ve both done and seen a lot of things…. And i can tell you, Life is full of heartache, and misery and broken promises. (line) WELL, I’VE BEEN DEEP DOWN IN THAT DARKNESS, but (line) THAT’S WHEN YOU LEARN THE TRUTH. And truth leads to Wisdom, honey. So, take this bit of wisdom from a very old woman, as it will guide you through life, and see to it that you make it through. Three things I’ve learned:

One: (line) WHILE ON YOUR KNEES, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE PRAYING. Bad news is, not every prayer gets answered (line) BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS……. THERE’S ANGELS EVERYWHERE.

Two: When Life hands you lemons, make Lemonaide. And always (line) USE THE NEEDLE OF YOUR COMPASS TO SEW UP YOUR BROKEN HEART

and three: (line) IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH HELL, (line) ASK DIRECTIONS FROM A GENIE IN A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM, AND SHE LIES TO YOU. But if you ask directions from a genie in a bottle of Jack Daniel’s… you’ll be okay honey. Yep, You’ll be just fine….

Yes indeed, Grandma was a very wise old woman. lol

My pal Anitalittlepoke used to be telling me she used to be in hormone heaven in view that her boyfriend Kindalikalickya stated he used to be going to make her international greater than it is ever been if she spent the night time at his condo.Well she obtained me believing it.I am nonetheless a bit dazed via all of it !!! Want to run that via me one other time? Wait !!!!!! Paper!!! Pen !!!! I ought to be penning this down for my Christmas letter I am sending out !!!

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