“Have I ever told you how lucky I am to be the assistant to the most beautiful coroner in the whole USA?”, Brian told her for the umpteenth time as they made their into the victim’s house.

“Yes”, she replied.

“Well, then, have I told you how I want to be with you forever and ever until death we do part?”

“Please fight the urge to be so moronic Brian and get in here.” She looked around the chaotic scene in the small kitchenette with one tiny barred window high on the wall facing the alley. Droplets of dark blood arced over it in a rather interesting pattern. It looked so cozy… if you’re Hannibal Lecter! Behind her Brian scanned the grisly murder scene and turned green.

“I think I’m going to vomit… be back in 5 minutes…10, tops!”

Shaking her head at such a rookie move she moved closer to the body, or what was left of it. The intestines and stomach had fallen to the floor from a large lateral slash across the lower abdomen. The stomach itself had seemingly spilled it’s contents across the floor and it looked like, ahhhhh……. Asti Spumante, had been the last meal.

She turned as Brian came back into the kitchenette. “There’s a cockroach the size of my foot blow drying his hair in the bathroom!”, he said with a wan smile.

“Come on now Brian, keep it together. We need to get this one in the bag. If you need some coffee there’s a thermos in the van on the front seat. Help yourself.”

“Are you trying to give me an ulcer?”, he asked as photographed the head wedged under the sink.

“No sweetheart, I just want you focused on the job at hand so we can finish up and go home.”

“See? We’re talking paranoid delusional, psychosis here. One minute you flirt with me with those outrageous green eyes of yours and then when I respond you treat me like an employee. You know you are madly in love with me Madame Coroner! Just say the word and I am yours tonight and always – even if you do make coffee strong enough for embalming!” His smile reminded her of a puppy.

Oh, Brian, get over here and photograph this heart in the stew pan. If we finish up early enough here, we’ll go for dinner.” She flashed him a 100 watt smile. She did like Brian, more than she thought she had let on to him. But apparently love knows love and Brian seen right through her. She wondered if he liked Chinese takeout?

Hmmmm…..not exactly a love story. Kind of a love/hate relationship and a new lease on life.

Sometimes things that go horribly wrong work out for the best. It had been that way for Leonard. When he married Mavis she had been a shy beauty. How things change! he thought. Twenty years later she had become his Jewish mother. Nag nag nag! He could never do anything right. He didn’t take out the garbage on time. His clothes were all wrong. He was cheap. What did she expect? She was so busy with the charge cards, it was a wonder they had any money at all. And now she was complaining about their vacation.

It had been a long flight to Hawaii. The plane was delayed and then one of the bags was lost. Even so, their Hertz sub-compact economy car was too small for the rest of them. Mavis was working herself up into a lather and they hadn’t even checked into their hotel yet. They took a couple of wrong turns, but evenually ended up in front of the resort. If that is what you called it. He hauled the bags out and trudged up a flight of stairs to number 34. The place was a dump. “Wow, is this it?” he said softly to himself. “Please fight the urge to be so moronic,” sneered Mavis. “You’re the one who reserved this place.” He looked at the well-worn furniture. “It’s not too bad, Mave,” he said. “Actually, it’s kind of cozy.” Her face was turning magenta and the veins were standing out in her neck. She made a kind of strangled growl. Oh my God, he thought, she’s gonna blow!

“Cozy? Cozy….if you’re Hannibal Lechter! What were you thinking? This place is like the Roach Motel, Leonard!” She stomped off towards the bathroom. In minutes she was back, fuming. “Honey, it can’t be that bad. C’mon, we’re on vacation. Just relax. Let’s make the best of it.” She was waving her finger at him. “There’s a cockroach the size of my foot blow drying his hair in the bathroom! Oh God! I think I’m going to vomit….back in 5 minutes….10 tops. Then we’ll continue this conversation.” The bathroom door slammed. He heard her retching. But she hadn’t wound down one bit when she came out. Now she was clutching her stomach and being melodramatic. “Are you trying to give me an ulcer?” she asked accusingly, then flung herself on the couch. There was a cracking noise as the back legs collapsed, pitching her toward the wall. He wanted to start laughing hysterically. This is it, I’m cracking up! he thought. We’re talking paranoid delusional psychosis here! He wanted a drink badly. Make that two….or maybe eight. Visions of cocktails danced in his head. There were little marching mai tais and dancing daquiris. Ahhhh…..asti spumante. He decided to go down to the bar and get plastered. Let her do whatever she wanted. “Why don’t you go down to the beach?” he asked. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll be eaten by sharks. Oh, and while you’re out, why don’t you fix the couch?”

What had gotten into him? He had never talked back to her. Maybe it was time to start. He stayed down at the bar just long enough to get tipsy. He didn’t want to face her completely sober and the drinks would take the edge off, at least. When he opened the door, she was gone. He looked out the window. The Geo Metro was gone from the parking space. He unpacked, flipped on the radio andput on his khaki shorts and Hawaiian shirt. Jimmy Buffet was singing…”wasting awaaay in Margaritaville….”Later he found a way to repair the couch. Actually, he was pretty good at it.

As it turned out, he stayed. He divorced Mavis and started his own furniture business down on Waikiki beach. His specialty was repairs and reupholstery. Funny how one broken couch turned into a new business and a new life.

I have had many love affairs in my lifetime, but never one so rare as that with my first love. He and I would spend our evenings together watching the sun set, and our mornings lazy and quiet with breakfast in bed. We had been seeing each other for quite a while, and he and I had many friends in common. I remember this one time, at a party, I met his good friend Buck. He was such a crazy guy, it was impossible to forget him. My boyfriend introduced him and gestured toward the corner in the back of the room and said, “So, Buck, which tail have you been chasing tonight?” The woman was tall and athletic looking, strikingly beautiful. Buck looked over and said, “Please fight the urge to be moronic. You know good and well I just got engaged. I have to wait at least a month before I start chasing any other ladies.” My boyfriend laughed and told me all about Buck, to his chagrin. It seems Buck was one for the ladies and there wasn’t a woman he wouldn’t talk up in order to take her home. Buck said, “Hey, Joe, you remember that tall blonde with the …you know??” as he gestured at his chest. Joe said, “Sure. The one with the facial tic, right?” Buck said, “That wasn’t a tic. She was a complete flirt. I don’t get women like that. Cheating on their man. Just don’t make sense to me.” Joe turned to me and lifted an eyebrow in his “that was funny” way. He said,”You know, Buck, I still remember that feisty little red-head you used to date. What was her name?” “Gloria. Man, I miss that girl. She was something else.” Joe put his arm around me and gave my shoulders a little squeeze. “What do you say we get out of here?” I looked at his glass, which was empty, as was mine. I pointedly looked at each empty glass and he said, “Ahhhh…Asti Spumante. Drat. We didn’t draw straws for designated driver.” Well, we both knew we were in no shape to drive, so Joe got out his cell phone to call a cab. “Whoa, hold your horses, there, buddy. Why don’t you just crash at my place. It’s just down the street and then you can take the train back out in the morning.” Joe gave me one of those “I can’t believe my ears” look. I couldn’t figure out what was up, but — to be polite — I said, “Honey, I don’t have a problem with it.” Joe looked me in the eye. “Are you sure? I mean, this guy’s been a bachelor so long he’s lost any house training his mom ever gave him.” I started laughing, “Joe, you know my brother Tom?” He nodded. “You’d be surprised some of the things I’ve seen. I’ll be alright.” “OK, I guess we’re going to Chez Buck tonight.” Buck smiled down at me. “I think you’ll be alright. My place is nice and cozy.” We took the short walk to Buck’s place and entered his apartment. I couldn’t see much since the lights weren’t on, so when Buck did flip the switch for the overhead light, I was taken aback by all the dirty laundry and food containers and books strewn everywhere. “Cozy, heh?” Joe said, “Cozy…if you’re Hannibal Lecter, anyway.” I did my best to walk around all the different piles. “You know, Buck,” Joe said,”You may just want to tidy up a bit.” Buck looked stricken, “And mess up my organization? Are you trying to give me an ulcer? These clothes here have only been worn once. That pile in the corner has clothes that have been worn twice. The third pile over there is the stuff that I should wash once I get around to it.” I walked over to the third pile. Ugh. The stench. I looked up at Joe and he said, “Oh, no. I know that look. Bathroom’s down the hall and to the right.” I had turned ghastly pale and nodded then added, “I think I’m going to vomit…Be back in 5 minutes..10, tops!” “Man,” Buck said, “you sure know how to pick em. Never seen a gal vomit at the sight of clothes before.” As I was leaning over the commode to relieve my stomach of dinner, I saw the most hideous thing ever: a giant cockroach crawled out from under a moldy towel and began to cross the floor toward my feet. “AHHH!” I screamed and ran back to the living room. The guys had cleared off what appeared to be a couch and were talking when I came over to them. Joe asked, “What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I looked over at Buck and said, “There’s a cockroach the size of my foot blow drying his hair in the bathroom.” Buck looked surprised for a moment, then slapped his knee. “Little lady, you are just about the funniest little gal I ever met.” Joe looked over at me and knew there was no way we’d be crashing anywhere NEAR Buck’s place. He sighed and said, “You know, Buck, I’m not feeling tipsy any more. I think we’ll walk back up to the party and just drive home.” Buck said, “Well, if you’re sure. Y’all take care now. And be looking for the wedding invite in the mail. It’s gonna be a humdinger of a ceremony.” “I bet, ” I mumbled underneath my breath. “What was that, little lady?” I looked at Buck and said, “I’m glad we met.” Joe ushered me out the door and out of the building. “Man,” Joe said, “that Buck sure hasn’t changed. His fiancee must be something else.” ” I don’t know about the “something else” part, but she is at least very sick in the head. We’re talking paranoid delusional psychosis!” Joe just laughed and hugged me. “Lady, you are the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. Let’s get on home so we can shower off this crud.” I looked over and he had that same eybrow raised again, but this time it meant I could expect company to scrub my back once we were home.