I once told her I would always be there for her. I told her, “IF YOU WANT ME, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WHISTLE, YOU KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE DON’T YOU?” The funny thing about that was that I had set my cell phone ring tone special to a whistle for when she called. My phone had been whistling since 10 pm right up until I passed out on Ron’s couch.

I woke up covered in slim from Ron’s St. Bernard and my hair was a total mess. I felt a draft.

What would I say happened. I mean she would never believe the truth.

My buddy Ron tried to help. “Tell her you were abducted. Tell her, I THINK IT WAS AN EXTRATERRESTIAL”.

Ron is really bad with relationships he has no direction in his own life. So when it comes to relationships, HIS SENSE OF DIRECTION IS SO BAD, HE COULDN”T FIND HIS WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG WITH A FLASHLIGHT AND A MAP.

“THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO TELL HER THAT!” I said. “Extraterrestrials Ron, you’re no help at all?”

“Well yah, I see them all the time here in Roswell. Besides An abduction is the only excuse that will explain the drool and slobber all over your clothes,” Ron said in an indignant tone.

“You know the slobber is from you St. Bernard Ron, she climbed on the couch while I was passed out, I woke up with the huge beast on top of me.” I said, “Beside Since when do aliens drool and WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW THEM? Mr. Alien know it all”.

Ron thought for a minute, I mean something was going on in his pea brain I think. Finally he say’s “Jay you are covered in alien slim, look at your black pants. My St. Bernard couldn’t muster that much drool.”

Whatever I’m leaving.

Upon arriving home there was my wife sitting on the front porch with a look of total relief and frankly, absolute joy to see me. She wasn’t mad at all.

“Ron called and told me the horrific story. Are you all right?” she said. “Get inside and get those cloths off, I can wash that disgusting alien slim right off them.”

“Honey” I said, “let me tell you the truth,” and I proceeded to do just that. When I got done I couldn’t believe my ears.

She looked me in the eye and said, “Jay you are so brave, but there is no need to protect me from the truth. Besides,(pointing to a hole I hadn’t noticed that had been chewed through my trousers) do YOU REALLY WANT ME TO BELIEVE A DOG DID THAT?”

“Yesterday afternoon, they went for a walk in the forest with some stray dog.”

“Well, I’m sure your son will be ok, he’s with his father right?”

“Are you kidding? His sense of direction is so bad, he couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag with a flashlight and a map.”

The boy and his father had finally finished loading all the energizer batteries into the craft.

The dog looked at them, licked his drooling lips and said “Woof, wrooof, ruff….kaff”

The universal translator squawked “If you want me, all you have to do is whistle. You know how to whistle don’t you? unable to translate ‘kaff’, data base indicates a fur ball.”

The ship blasted off, leaving a huge steaming pile of..um…you know, behind.

“Daddy, I can’t wait to tell Mommy about the doggie.”

“Are you kidding? No way I am telling her THAT!”

The cop burst through the bush. He was wide eyed, and open mouthed, staring at the huge pile of..um..you know.

“You really want me to believe a DOG did that???” he croaked.

“No officer,” Dad pulled out his pipe. “I think it was an extraterrestrial.”

“Well, somebody has to clean it up!” the cop fumed, “And it isn’t gonna be me, MISTER!”

The Dad sighed, and glumly opened up the garbage bags he had brought with him. Somehow, he knew he would be cleaning up after the dog. Despite all those promises, he had known the boy would lose interest at the first sign of…um…you know.

Circa 1876

“Dodge’s own: KEYSTONE KOPS ”

Doc Adams and U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon were having a friendly,little game of checkers, when Festus Haggen came running through the door!

Festus: “MATTHEW!!! DOC!!!! Has anyone seen my new boots?!”

Doc was so startled by the outburst that he jumped up, causing all the checkers to go flying!!

Doc:” DOGGONE YOU!!!!! And I was WINNING!!” Matt laughed and started picking up the playing pieces.

Festus:”Sorry Doc….And by the way….. I don’t believe you.

But seriously….. I can’t find them boots ANYWHERE!!”

Matt:”Well, Festus…..(1) When is the last time you saw them?”

Festus:” Hmmmm…The last time I saw them….The last time I ….. OH NO!!!”

Doc:”NOW what’s wrong?!”

Festus:”Well…..’Pears I left them over at …….. Willard’s Woods, last night.”

Matt: “Williard’s WOODS!!! Why were you there?!”

Festus started shifting his weight from one foot to the other, staring at the floor.

Doc:”Dear GAWD!! This has something to do with a WOMAN!!! I just KNOW IT!!”

Festus started pacing around the office .

Doc:”Will you SIT DOWN!!! You remind me of a caged puma!!!”

Festus:”I have GOT to find them boots…Before……. Before Sadie Sue’s daddy comes after me with a shotgun. I etched my name into the heels, don’t you see.”

Doc:””You don’t even know how to spell. He’ll NEVER know they’re yours!” He laughed and rubbed his face, as was his usual custom.

Festus:”Smart aleck!! Miss Sunshine done it for me!!!”

Matt smiled. His girlfriend, Sunshine MacGIllicutty , was the love of his life.

Matt:”For heaven’s sake……Just go find the boots!!! Problem solved.”

Doc:”Matt……He’ll never be able to retrace his tracks…….(3) His sense of direction is so bad, he couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag with a flashlight and a map!!”

Matt, trying not to laugh……. “Listen, Festus……Just tell Sadie Sue that you need her help.”

Festus:”(2) There is no way I am telling her THAT! She thinks I know my way around in the woods.”

Doc:”What would possess her to think THAT?!” He laughed loudly.

Festus squinted his eye and glared at Doc…..”I jest wanna know how one person can be so dad blamed onery!!”

Just then Sunshine walked in…..”Hi, baby!” She waved to Doc and Festus as she planted a sweet one on Matt.

After hearing of Festus’ plight….”Come on , you guys. Let’s go over to those woods and find Romeo’s boots!” She put her arm through Festus’ and led the way.

Matt:”God! I just LOVE that woman!!”

When they got to Williard’s Woods. ……….”Okay. Let’s split up. Festus go over yonder. Doc? You stick to this level area. Matt?” She winked and licked her lips….”Let’s you and I go WAY over there!”

Doc:”OH NO you don’t!! If you two go WAY OVER THERE, you won’t be seen for another hour or two. ….And I am NOT staying out here in this mosquito infested swamp for more than a few minutes!!!”

Everyone split up. At a fork in a path, Matt told Sunshine he was going to the right….Suggested she go to the left.

Sunshine:”But what if I ……What if I get lonely, MattBaby~~~?”

Matt: In a brusque voice…..”(4) If you want me, all you have to do is whistle. You know how to whistle don’t you?”

Sunshine was slightly offended by the tone in his voice.

Sunshine:” Humph!! When we get home in bed tonight, YOU’LL be whistling a different tune, mister!!!” She stormed off.

Matt: “But babydoll!! Can’t you take a joke?!”

All at once a loud GROWL and MANICAL BARK FILLED THE AIR!!!!!!!! Festus could be heard screaming!!!

Matt,Sunshine and Doc ran in the direction of the noise .

Festus was on the ground, in a state of hysterics!!

Festus: “(5) I think it was an extraterrestrial that attacked me!!!! It was horrible. Just HORRIBLE!!”

Doc:”First of all….How on EARTH did you ever learn that word?! Second of all……It was just some ferral dog , probably. Nothing more.”

Festus:”Do (6.)you really want me to believe a DOG did that???”

They all looked down at the ground. …There were fresh prints…….. Very LARGE prints.

Just as they were about to believe Festus’ story, a gunshot rang out…(((BANG))))!!!!! It was Sadie Sue’s father with the family Pit Bull Dog, who had come back to his master after his initial attack on Festus!!!

In their attempt to get out of there in a hurry, Doc,Festus,Sunshine and Matt all started running toward the wagon that they had come in. Driving off in a fashion that was the fore-runner to the Keystone Kops movies, they finally made it back to the safety of Dodge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BqLEq86z-c