Dodge City, Kansas

Cica 1873

“Unlock This Damn Door”

Miss Kitty Russell was in her bedroom when she heard voices on Front Street……… FAMILIAR voices!! Matt Dillon, her former boyfriend, and Sunshine MacGillicutty, HIS present girlfriend, and the BANE of Kitty’s life!! She ran to her window and peeked out from behind the frilly curtain.

Matt : ” Now sweetie. You just ride on back to the farm. I’ll be home in a few hours…….. I’m hungry for you, woman…..So be ready!!’ He smiled and gave her a quick kiss.

Kitty, to herself:”If she says ‘HEE HAW’ one more time, I swear I’ll……”

Sunshine:”HEE HAW, MattBaby !! I’m ready NOW!!!!” And with that, she spit out her gum, jumped in his arms, kissed him passionately and rode off in a cloud of dust!

Matt tugged on his jeans and whistled “Dixie” as he continued his evening rounds .

Kitty:” Sunshine! (3.) You’re the ring around my bathtub,you’re the hangnail of my life !!”

Kitty descended the stairs that led to the Long Branch Saloon and noticed old Doc Adams talking with Festus Haggen. She smiled and sat down with them.

Doc:”What a sight for sore eyes! Festus here was just telling me that he’s going to buy us a round of beers.”

Festus:”DOC!! I said no such thing! Whyyyyyyy, (6.) If the devil danced in empty pockets, he’d have a ball in mine !!”

Kitty laughed. Doc just rubbed his face , as was his usual custom.

It wasn’t long before Matt walked in, surveyed the room and then came over to their table. He had just sat down when the swinging doors to the bar flew open. In walked (2.) Black Jack Fletcher and Mississippi Sam !! Everyone in the saloon stopped talking. Matt got to his feet……”(1.) Go back to Texas and Cheesy French Fry Lake, you two good for nothing cattle rustlers!!”

Black Jack:”Now Marshal, you know we done served our time for that. We’re jest law biding citizens now. I’ve had a steel plate put in my head after that time you wounded me. We ain’t gonna cause you no trouble. Right, Mississippi Sam?”

Sam was too busy feeling up one of the dancehall girls to respond.

Matt:”Uh huh…….. I’ll just BET you’re law biding! I don’t want your kind in town. ”

Black Jack:”What are you trying to say , Dillon? ”

Matt cleared his throat …..”Get the hell outta Dodge!!!”

(He loved using that phrase whenever possible!)

Mississippi Sam turned to face him……He had a pock-marked face that would scare the devil himself…… “Get lost, big man!!”

Matt:”Mister……(4.) Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. Now GET OUT!!!”

The two desperados went for their guns. Matt fanned his pistol, killing both with just one bullet. The bullet had hit Black Jack on his steel plate, ricocheted and then lodged in Mississippi Sam’s heart.

Festus:”Hell of a job, Matthew!!!”

Matt tipped his hat and strolled out of the bar.

Kitty , who had been hiding under the table, got up and brushed herself off. She watched Matt leave, knowing he was going home to Sunshine.

Kitty:” I’ve got (7.) That ‘It’s all over’ feeling (all over again).”

Matt made record time to the farm. He ran up to the screen door but it was locked.

Sunshine smiled at him from her side……(Bonus)”This good girl’s gonna go bad if you don’t get yourself in here! Give us a kiss ducks!”

Matt:” (5.) I would kiss you through the screendoor but it’d strain our love, baby. Unlock this damn door!!”

Sunshine giggled and unfastened the latch. Matt scooped her up ,threw her over his shoulder and ran to the bedroom!!

And they tell me that for miles around, Sunshine MacGillicutty could be heard shouting, “HEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW !!”

“Hon, I’m home,” she called out. There was a rukus going on in the bedroom. She rushed down the long hallway into the master bedroom and found her beloved husband Jack in bed with her supposed best friend, Elaine. ” Oh, my stars!! You low life Black Jack Fletcher, who is this Mississippi Sam? Get yore *** out of my house, both of you, GO!!!”

Jack realizing that he was in deep “do-do” whined, ” But Babee, you’re the love of my life, this was an accident.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this before you know. But Jack, this time, I can truthfully say, ‘You’re the ring in my bathtub, the hangnail of my life.’ I suggest that you take your silly *** & go back to Texas & Cheesy French Fry Lake.”

“Aw…Babee, don’t talk that way about my hometown, I loved it there. Come gimme a little smooch.”

“No way, Jose’–I’d kiss you through the screen door, but it’d strain our love.” She answered back sarcastically.

Elaine still sitting on the bed with the sheet pulled up covering her naked body. “Jack, say something. Don’t cozy up to her, you said I was beautiful and you were through with Wanda. You even told me that, “Its all over” feeling, (all over again), was what she had done to you. you said you never loved her anyway…Jack…Jack?…SAY SOMETHING…ANYTHING!!”

“Beauty? Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone & you’d have to multiply that by two million. Get out of my house, COW!!!”

Elaine wrapped the sheet around her body & stomped pass Wanda.

“You can keep the sheet, I don’t want it anymore. And Jack, I don’t want you. GET OUT!!!”

“But Wanda, Babeee, I don’t got any money. Hell, if the devil danced in empty pockets, he’d have a ball in mine,” he pleaded with his wife. ” You’re my angel darling.”

“GET OUT YOU SLIMEY SO & SO!!!”

Jack grabbed his jeans & stormed out.

Wanda was furious & a sneaky, mean idea came into her head. ” I’ll fix old stupid Elaine—Two can play this game.” She began dialing the phone, ” Let’s see, 729-4583…Hello, Bob? Remember when you & Elaine came over, last week? and you said you thought how sexy I looked? Were you serious? Really? Well, Hon, this good girl’s gonna go bad. did you ever hear the phrase, “Good girls go to heaven & bad girls go everywhere?” Well I just caught my old man in bed with your old lady, doing the ” Wild Monkey Dance.” Sure, meet you there in ten minutes…

many moons ago,long time pass,i was broke,so i had to go back to texas and cheesey french fry lake,maybe get my job back back,with ole blackjack fletcher and mississippi sam as a fry cook2 of the worst cooks in texas..cookie said if the devii danced un emty pockets,he’d have ball in mine and danged if he was’;nt right het look its my ole girl,,she only had 1 eye,3 three fingers on 1 hand, and a bad case of ulgy,,we called her lucky, i wispered to sam”beauty is only skin deep ,but ugly goes to the bone.”.with them foot ball size lips she said” i would kiss you through the screen door, but it’d stain our loveNOTJUST OUR LOVE but proble concrete… she said BABY you’re the ring around my bathtub,you’r the hang nail of my life……half way to ohio now,wonder how far i can get,,may be canada<>IS<>

If you think those are tough, you must not get around much.

If you think those are phrases, look again. Five of the seven are complete sentences.