“The name is Harold. Harold Duff. And I’m a private eye.

I remember it was Tuesday when she walked into my office, a long legged dame with trouble written all over her. She-”

“HAROLD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?”

“I’m filming a video for youtube ma! And now I gotta start all over again!”

“WELL SHUT OFF THAT CRAPPY MUSIC! I CAN’T HEAR GENERAL HOSPITAL!!!

“The music’s for the video ma! Deal with it!”

Harold hit the back button on his cd player remote and refocused his camera. He clapped the fedora back on his head and hit record just as the intro music began again.

“My name is Harold. Harold Duff. And I am a priv-”

The door to his room flew open.

“Dammit, Harold! You’re lucky it’s on commercial right now. Shut that crap off already. I want to find out who Samantha is sleeping with and I can’t focus with that violin junk floating through the vents!”

“Get out ma! I’m filming a serious drama here! It could get 500,000 views!”

“Harold I don’t give a whistling fart! I pay the bills and you’re screwing up General Hospital! Go call some friends, if you have any!”

“General Hospital, General Hospital,” Harold mimicked rolling his eyes. “All General Hospital is, is an anatomy lesson set to bad acting and even worse music. You oughta thank me for saving you from that mess. If you want a real show, try St. Elswhere. According to my geography teacher it’s right next to St. Overthere.”

“You’re a card Harold. Now shut up while I watch my soaps.”

She slammed the door. Harold sat listening to her thudding footsteps retreat down the hall. Then, having given it a moment to make sure the commercials were over, he hit the back button on the cd player. Then he cranked the volume to max and refocused his camera. Once again, he hit record in just in time to catch a sonic musical intro.

“I remember it was tuesday when she walked into my office!” He shouted. “A long legged dame with trouble written all over-”

The door FLEW open. From this point on, everything was captured by Harold’s webcam that was rolling the whole time.

“Do you not understand English?!! You sonofa-”

She ripped the plug out of the wall and hefted the almost seventy pound bulk of his cd player. With a mighty heave, she tossed it towards the open bedroom window. However, having grossly miscalculated the physics of gravity, the entire ensemble went crashing to the floor at the base of the window, sending a scattering of plastic and metal parts everywhere.

The camera captures the amazed “O” of Harold’s face. Then a set of hands comes in the frame and seizes him by the hair. Here the viewer’s imagination must take hold as a series of thuds and grunts emit from somewhere stage right. The pinnacle comes, of course, when Harold himself goes literally flying across the camera’s viewpoint and lands at the base of the window. Still stage right, a series of crashes is heard, as well as something that sounds suspiciously like someone taking a ballpeen hammer to an Xbox.

And there at the base of the window, Harold begins to cry.

This video did not recieve 500,000 views.

It received over 3,000,000.

“Em… Nothing,” she said staring innocently back at us with an angelic smile. “I thought I had forgotten my lunch at home, but it is here!” Clarissa was a drama queen. But she was hot and I liked her. Those piercing mesmerising blue eyes and perfectly pointed nose. She had those nice curves too and her smile seemed to light up the class. She however carried on like the earth revolved around her and always wanted attention. Not many people shared my likeness for her.

“The human anatomy is the same for all races of people, despite your Geography or topographical location …What is it now Darcy?” asked Mrs. Hogan as Clarissa’s hand flew up.

“But I read of these pygmies somewhere in the Congo region in Africa, they look different, donn’t they!” she asked. Mrs Hogan sighed.

“They look shorter but still share the same basic natural features as anyone else.”

“Natural features as everyone else, you mean?” asked Clarissa. She could be quite cheeky.

“There is nothing wrong with my English, Clarinet! Stop correcting me and just listen!” Mrs. Hogan looked like she was going to have a fit.

“Okay, but my name is Clarissa not Clarinet. A Clarinet is a musical instrument. In Physics we were taught that it works by the propulsion of air that is forcefully blown through the reed or the mouthpiece. You could see Miss Kitty, the Music teacher, for more clarifications and distinctions between me and a clarinet!” But Mrs. Hogan had had enough. She ran out of the class, pulling at her long hair, down to the administrative block. Clarissa was subsequently suspended for improper conduct. But I still liked her!