Dodge City, Kansas

Circa 1876

“I Could Just Spit”

Kitty Russell spun the empty bottle of Randy Scouse Git Rotgut on the card table, as though she was playing “Spin-The -Bottle.” The bottle pointed to the swinging doors of the Long Branch just as U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon walked in. Kitty looked longingly at her former boyfriend ……..(5) “I solemnly swear to love you as long as I live,” she whispered.

Matt walked over to her…..” Lo, Kitty. How are you, today?”

Kitty:” Other than the fact that (1) I’m living on borrowed time, just fine, thank you, Matt.” She looked at him through bloodshot eyes.

Matt:’ Kitty…….. You have GOT to stop drinking! I’m worried about you.”

Kitty:” You’re too busy chasing Sunshine Mac Libido around the bedroom to have time to think about ME, Matt!!!”

(She was referring to Sunshine MacGillicutty, Matt’s new girlfriend.)

Matt chuckled, much to Kitty’s dismay…….”Listen, I do care, Kitty. I really do.” ……..But, I have to go now.”

Kitty:”Will I see you later?”

Matt:”Sure….. I’ll be back later tonight. (2) What goes around comes around.” And with that, he took his leave.

Kitty sat there, staring at him ……..”(3) I don’t think Heaven’s ready for me and besides…. I need to get a manicure and pedicure before he comes back!!”

Around 11 PM, Matt returned . The Long Branch was in full swing. Matt stood at the bar, surveying the crowd. Next him was a cowboy and one of the dancehall girls.

Dancehall Girl: ” Why do you continue making romantic ovetures to me, sir? I look a fright!!”

Cowboy:” You look JEST fine……. Heck…….I don’t care about that goiter , Miss Georgia. It don’t bother me one little bit!!” She giggled. “(4) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder….. And I think you AND your rather large thyroid gland are spectacular!” Matt just shook his head.

Kitty spotted Matt and pushed everyone out of her way as she ran over to him……..Unfortunately she tripped over an outstretched leg of one of the poker players. In her effort to regain her balance, she fell sideways ……. into the spittoon !!

Dripping in undefinable crud, she picked herself up. In a regal manner matched only by an award winning performance by Miss Charlotte Cushman, ( a famous actress of that time) she raised her chin and walked past Matt.

To herself….”I spent ALL day getting ready for this evening and look at me NOW!!”

She felt the rancid mucous ooze off her face as she disappeared upstairs.

Sunshine MacGillicutty had just come into the saloon, prior to Kitty’s accident…….She walked over to Matt and whispered in his ear, in between outbursts of her “Hee Haw” laughter…….”(6) This MUST be what they call justice!”

Matt laughed so hard he wanted to spit !!

I went to the bank to get a loan. I was not confident that I could get a loan, because my wife says that I am living on borrowed time. I was even less confident when I saw a plaque on the loan officer’s desk that said, “I don’t think heaven is ready for me and the other place just sent an engraved invitation.”

Based on that, I expected a loan officer who was an old, grumpy hag. The best anyone might say about someone like that is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, the person who sat down at that desk was drop-dead gorgeous. She greeted me sweetly and began to ask me about the loan request. Her smile was intoxicating, so I said, “I solemnly swear to pay back the whole loan and pay the interest to you personally.” I had met my wife in the same way years ago and figured that what goes around comes around. She fielded my advances without losing her pretty smile, went over my application and said, “I’m sorry; we will not be able to loan you any money.”

Once she walked away and I regained my senses, I figured that this must be what they call justice.

My name is Sam Dade, I’m a private dick like my distant cousin, Sam Spade. Stupid guy went and made a name for himself just cause he found some bird statue. Me, I’m living on borrowed time, and even more borrowed money. Can’t find a missing pet, let alone solve the big cases.

Well, they say what goes around comes around right? And anyway, I don’t think Heaven’s ready for me and all my troubles. I remember how I started.

“I solemnly swear to uphold the reputation of the family and be the best private eye I can.” Little did I know I was a klutz.

Then came my first, and maybe last, big time case. Turned out to be a real ‘who dunnit’ of a murder. Big Broadway play, missing cash box, producer turns up stuffed into some gals dresser.

Turns out, the butler really did do it. He did it all for that gal. Talk about cliches. This case is really all about ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Butler and Beauty..go figure, I was sure it was gonna turn out to be the Beast. Oh well, jokes on me now. I hope she’s a lousy shot.

This must be what they call justice. I shoulda called my cousin….

the day merely before this I had an altercation with a saleslady who appeared like a wicked and advise individual. I asked her for help with chosing a diamond ring and she or he informed me that I could seem in gown rings because of the fact i won’t be in a position to attend to to pay for what they sell. That became preposterous because of the fact whilst I appeared like i did no longer have the money……..I did. She lost a sale. I rambled around the mall and surpassed a candy keep . I entered and offered some gummi bears to ease my bruised ego. Then I heard the fire alarms burst off and the risk-free practices guards have been escorting everone out of the mall. all of us scrambled to risk-free practices as quickly as we could. whilst i became status exterior the mall, i spotted a pathway to get to different shops. i certainly mandatory to get something heat to drink to take the chilliness off my bones, because it became chilly and wet. I stumbled on a Starbucks coffee shop and it appeared so inviting. so I went in and the line became so very long yet properly well worth the wait. I ordered a double chocolate latte . It warmed my physique and allayed my fears of the thrill and danger to the fire interior the mall. I saved my eyes on what became occurring at th mall. i ought to establish it from the place i became seated. After evacuating the mall, I overheard somebody in Starbucks say that it became a bomb scare yet a faux alarm and not a fire. The police have been there too and caught the culprits, that have been 2 teen boys. They have been taken away interior the squad vehicle and that i could no longer help yet think of that this became justice and not one of the culprits have been going to getaway with what that they had accomplished. I felt blessed that all and sundry became risk-free and sound alongside with me!

One Step to Far.

I just pulled the biggest prank I could on my best friend Donald. Now I’M LIVING ON BORROWED TIME for I knew he’d get me back eventually because he always does but that’s the way we are.

That night Shelly, my wife, and I were watching the 10:30 news when the door flew open and in ran two people with guns demanding money and jewelry. My first instinct was Donald getting back at me already.

“Boy you’re quick this time buddy.” I laughed out loud.

“Shut up buster and get over to the couch and you,” he demanded to my wife, “sit down in that chair across from him. NOW!” he yelled.

I could see my wife shaking and I realized it wasn’t Donald. He was a rough looking character with a large scar on his face and the woman, if that’s what you could call her, looked worse.

The guy yelled at me again, “What you staring at?”

“Her,” I boldly answer which was the wrong thing to say but his response was unexpected.

He came two inches away from my face screaming, “BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, now shut up or you won’t be too pretty for your wife either.”

We told them we didn’t have much in the house but they could take whatever they wanted and leave.

They just sneered at us as they started looking around the living room. I tried to keep their attention on me so my wife could get out for help.

She barely reached the front door when the woman grabbed her by the arm, pulled her back, and angrily said, “One more stunt like that and it will be your last one.”

They unexpectantly sat down, stared at us pointing there guns but not saying anything for a couple of minutes. Needless to say my breathing was heavy and my wife looked more terrified than before.

Finally the man said in a slow, low tone, “THIS MUST BE WHAT THEY CALL JUSTICE. You should see the fear on your faces,” then picking up the tone finished with, “It’s fantastic!”

Donald? It couldn’t be! My head was everywhere.

“WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND.” Donald grinned and said.

I jumped up and ran over screaming, “I’ll kill you! This was not a joke!” I sounded hysterical but I couldn’t help it. He really did get me this time but dragged my wife in it too.

“Hold on Jamie, there’s no point killing me.

I DON’T THINK HEAVEN’S READY FOR ME AND WE ARE BOTH TO MUCH FOR HELL, EVEN HE DOESN’T WANT US.”

After everyone calmed down Donald admitted he had gone over the top and was sorry.

“Look,” he said, “I SOLOMNLY SWEAR TO never pull another prank if you swear the same thing.”

We shook hands on it as I whispered, “The best one yet, even if you did scare the crap out of me.”

all of them r good except #2. it has been used too many times already, not creative. #1 sounds very interesting. #5 sound like a teen thing to say. #6 is very political, but could be really interesting if used in a way other than politics. Good luck.