Now that I am older i see my true passion on being a doctor. *UGH Try this: “Now that I am older I am truly interested in taking up that challenge. *

I love to help others and make them feel truly comfortable. *ok

I want to be a doctor with all my heart. * already been said*

I want to be a doctor so i can serve others. *okay*

I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. *good*

I have laughed and I have cried with them. *good*

This is what i want to do with my life. *hmmm….*

My Version:

Becoming a Doctor has been one of my dreams for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl. Now that I am older I am truly passionate about becoming a Doctor, and believe I am ready to rise up and meet this challenge. I love helping others and making them feel more comfortable. I am passionate about becoming a Doctor so that I can help others. I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. I have laughed and I have cried with them. I think I am ready to take the next step and actually help my patients as a certified Doctor.

(I obviously like mine better, but feel free to do your own work, mix/match maybe?)

Remove “I want to be a doctor with all my heart”. It’s redundant and adds nothing new.

Reword the Personal Care sentence. The way it starts is misleading as you are not yet a doctor. Better: “I have shared the lives of patients I’ve cared for as a Personal Care Attendant.”

Next sentence needs shortening: “I have laughed and cried with them.”

Conciseness is not your strength. I recognize this because I have had the same problem.

Move “I want to be a doctor so I can serve others.” down in front of “This is what I want to do with my life.” – It works better in that position.

“I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. I have laughed and I have cried with them. This is what i want to do with my life.”

as the only short sentences and make the rest of the paragraph flow a bit more. it seems a bit stiff. but other than that, i like it.

Too many short sentences, try using some commas instead of full stops everywhere.