To: “Around me in this picture are the things THAT were most important in my life at the time”

Change: “to becoming an excellent Student”

To: “to becoming an excellent student”

Change: “I believe that I am obligated to use my talents in a constructive manner, in a manner that benefits society.”

To: “I believe that I am obligated to use my talents in a constructive manner that benefits society.”

Change: “I believe that my ability to improved and expanded my communication skills since I was constantly meeting new communicate makes me well suited to pursue a medical career.”

To: “I believe that I am well suited to pursue a medical career due to my achievement of improved and expanded communication skills.” I don’t quite understand the part of the sentence: “since I was constantly meeting new communicate” You might try rewording to make it clearer and then putting it back into your sentence — or add a new sentence to emphasize that point.

Change: ” I also consider myself a “people” person.”

To: “I am a friendly, ammicable person with great care and assistance towards others as a top priority.” The people person phrase has really been over-killed on so many applications. I wouldn’t use such a cliche expression.

Change: “As a sales consultant, I see a lot of people and discussing different topics.”

To: “As a sales consultant, I interact and communicate with a variety of people, thereby expanding my ability to discuss a wide range of topics.”

Hon, I have to get off the computer. If you like my editing so far, email me and I’d be happy to have a crack at it this evening. Take care!

“Around me in this picture are the things which were most important in my life at the time: becoming somebody.”-becoming somebody is not one of the “things” around you that is most imporant to you

-the first paragraph is not focused and i don’t see a thesis

“by devoting all my time and life to becoming an excellent Student.” – you can’t devote your whole life to becoming an excellent student b/c you won’t be a student all your life, cut out the life

” believe that my ability to improved and expanded my communication skills since I was constantly meeting new communicate ” should be to “improve and expand” and what is a “communicate?”

“see a lot of people ” – not as sophistacated as “numerous people or many”

“Because people constantly disclosed their personal issues to me, I learned to become not only a good conversationalist, but also an excellent listener. In medical school, I also plan to pursue side work like Volunteering. ” you need a transition between these two sentences

“confusion and immaturity at North Shore Community College, which was brought on by family.. ” – should not be two periods and i don’t think this sentence is appropriate – you are blaming your bad grades on your family – will not be looked happily upon

” Once I realized what goal I wanted to pursue in life, I worked hard to succeed in life” you said succeed already and you are not done with succeeding so it should not be past tense

“have been diligent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers me the opportunity to live a fulfilling, rewarding life dedicated to helping others. ” good sentence

it needs a LOT of work. Try to get others to edit it for you and read it aloud and you will catch many mistakes overlooked when reading to yourself. Good Luck!