A few days ago

Funny quotes?

What is the funniest, silliest, most sarcastic or most ironic quote you have ever stumbled across? I’m looking for quotes that make you laugh. Please include the person who said it, if possible.

Top 10 Answers
A few days ago

Favorite Answer

hmm well


“if u cant defeat ur opponents with ur intelligence then baffel them with bullshit”




and others are like

>> road to the success is always under construction

>>Born free; Taxed to death.

>>If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?

>>”Sometimes you eat the bear.

Sometimes the bear eats you”

>>”It is better to live than exist”

>>”Life is 2 short, so live it 2 the fullest”

>>”We work to Live, not live to work”

>>”smile. it confuses ppl. & dance like no one’s looking, sing like no one’s listening, and live like its the last moment”

>>”If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything”

>>”I AM being nice, You should see me when I’m not!”

>>”Love is tender and knows no gender”

>>”You dont know what you have until you lose it”

>>”Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe”

>>”What Comes Around Goes Around”


A few days ago
I absolutely adore Gracie Allen (1906 – 1964), wife of George Burns (1896-1996). Gracie was actually very intelligent woman. This was all a part of her act.

“They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.”

“The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.”

“My husband will never chase another woman. He’s too fine, too decent, too old.” [said when George Burns was only 64. He lived to be 100]

“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half.”

“I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.”

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

“Gracie comes home from the hospital after visiting a sick friend.

(George) ‘Where did you get the flowers?’

(Gracie) ‘I went to visit Mable.’

(George) ‘Yeah, so?’

(Gracie) ‘WELL, you told me to take her flowers!’”

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

“There’s so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren’t even worth talking about.”

“Come on, George. It’s lots of fun having fun even if you DON’T enjoy it.”

And then one from George, who outlived her by 32 years,

“One day, the audience realized I had a terrific talent. They were right. I did have a terrific talent. And I was married to her for 38 years.”


A few days ago
I’m a big fan of Yogi Berra who was a baseball player and manager who was known for his skill on the ballfield and for his offbeat statements. Some of my favorites are:

“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded”

“If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll probably wind up someplace else”

After being fired from his management job for the third time he stated “It’s like deja vu all over again”

My favorite Mark Twain quote which I cite frequently when given a question of fact I can’t answer is:

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn’t know.” (from “Life on the Mississippi”

Others from Twain:

“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

“In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.”

Oscar Wilde is one of the most prolific aphorists. Among my favorites are:

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

Will Rogers came up with: “The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!”

Albert Einstein, the author of the principle of relativity once said: “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.”

George Burns is credited with: “You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

Woody Allen: “I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Winston Churchill, when Lady Astor accused him

“‘Sir, you’re drunk!”, quipped in response: “Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

See the following for a good selection of humorous quotations:


A few days ago
After coition every animal is sad.


Bed is the poor mans opera.


The daughter-in-law of Pythagoras said that a woman who goes to bed with a man ought to lay aside her modesty with her skirt, and put it again with her petticoat.


Sex is never an emergency.

-Dr. E.Pierson

Education in the nation of irrigation is a great botheration.


A banker is one who gives u a raincoat when sunshines and takes back when it rains. -Anonymous.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away but, if the nurse is cute forget the fruit. -Anonymous


A few days ago

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

–does he know what an OB-GYN does?

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

–enough said!

“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.” —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

–where is that air port?


A few days ago
Frank S
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey

A few days ago
Joseph M
I hope this site helps. It has famous funny movie quotes.

A few days ago
“Its better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you to be a fool than to open it and leave no doubt about it”.

A few days ago
Punk Rock Princess
you ate my schnitzel

jack black pic of destiny


A few days ago
Wherever you go there you are….buckaroo banzai…