A few days ago

Anonymous

My friend wants your opinion on a short story she’s writing…?

My friend isn’t allowed to have a yahoo so she emailed this to me to post on here to ask for advice and what you think of it soo far. I told her it was good but she wants other opinions. Please help her. Oh yeah and this story is in different points of views of people and the points of view are on the top of each section. And please constructive critism if you want to be rude. okay here it is…

……………………………………………

May

Sometimes I feel alone, even if I am surrounded by people. It feels like no one cares. And it all started when we (my family and I) found out that my 17 year old sister, Kara, was pregnant.

……………………………………………

Kara

Well, I do not admit that the baby was a mistake. You see it was sort of planned. I had actually been wanting a baby for 2 years, but that is just a secret that the family shouldn’t know.  And then I was in for a total shock…

……………………………………………

Mark

Okay, after I got Kara pregnant I felt like it was my responsibility to help her, and I actually sat down thinking. Tonight, was the time to make my move. ***

“Okay, Mark what do you want?” Kara asked me.

“Kara, since I got you pregnant I would like to, I mean it would be a good idea if we, uh um,” I stuttered.

“Mark, hurry up, this baby isn’t getting younger.”

“Kara, I think that we should get married.” I saw her eyes swell up with tears and I didn’t know what to think.

……………………………………………

Kara

I could not believe my ears. Mark asked me to marry him! He didn’t know my pregnancy was planned! I didn’t know what to do, so I just broke down.

“Are you okay, Kara?” Mark looked like he regretted asking me.

“I am okay. Just wonderful.”

“So is that a yes?”

“Yes Mark I will marry you.” Too bad I didn’t know what trouble that would cause.

……………………………………………

May

I can not believe that Kara and Mark are getting married. Kara told me yesterday after her date with Mark last night and I totally flipped. She made me promise not to tell mom and dad yet, but I don’t think I could keep this in very longer. It is so surprising.

I grinned as I sat down on my computer chair, I grabbed my notebook and a pen and I started working on a list of what to do to Kara’s room after she moved out.

It looked a little like this:

Kara’s room:

Party room? Items needed: Disco Ball, long table, flashy stuff, huge fish tank, Piñata

Sleepover room? Items needed: Microwave, a at least 21” TV, candy stand, (table filled with candy)extra sleeping bags.

Oh man was I excited!

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Top 3 Answers

A few days ago

Mimí..ツ

Favorite Answer

Personally, I think its o-k. It was too calm and mellow you know, it should be more dramatic and have the ‘ride this roller coaster’ theme to it, drops high, and drops down. Just tell your friend to add those 🙂

And, you shouldn’t care about our critism. Can you accept it if I told you I was her biggest fan and absolutely loved her writing? Of course you would! Then you should be able to tolerate rude comments, otherwize my friend, you are just another hippocrite like me, and the rest of this world. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad, but if you can accept one, not the other, then you need to learn how to be less greedy and in the open.

Keep it up 🙂

4 years ago

ok, before everything, I doubt she replaced into peeing so loudly that she could not hear the window injury. 2d, why does she think of to not call the cops in all this? third, once you’re working and you slip, you fall backwards, not forwards, so for her to fall on her knees merely would not make experience. Fourth, if there’s a killer on your place, you’re gonna wanna get OUT of the abode. not into the closet, the place the killer will locate you. 5th, as quickly as she lands up in the well being facility, you could particularly anticipate it fairly is a dream for 2 motives: a million.She merely fell asleep, and a couple of.She isn’t in choose for of medical interest. 6th, that’s lacking originality. anybody gets their throat slit (different than the brother), i could merely say, be extra resourceful. It additionally steals subjects from A Nightmare on Elm highway, 1408, and The Stranger (particularly). merely attempt to return up with some extra twists and originality. seventh, the ending wasn’t pleasing. It replaced into not easy to appreciate what’s fairly occurring in the tip, and it replaced into merely not adequate. such as you probably did not sense like writing anymore or some thing. 8th, there is a great sort of misspellings and grammar errors which you’re able to desire to repair. 9th, you’re able to desire to artwork on arising with some extra onomatopoeia’s, they only appeared repetitive and unoriginal. 10th, save engaged on it, it has skill.

A few days ago

Anonymous

good story. keep it up. nice ending

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My friend wants your opinion on a short story she’s writing…?

My friend wants your opinion on a short story she’s writing…?

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