Is this very close to what you turned in to her? Because, as people said already, you’ve got some glaring spelling, grammatical and structural errors. It’s not a horrible concept, per se, it’s just that you don’t seem to have much focus.

I’m also not sure why you felt the need to point out that it’s “narrative voice”–most stories are, in fact.

Anyway, I think you need to sit down and figure out what your story is about, specifically. Is it about the main character’s unhappiness? Will she become increasingly unhappy? Will she feel better and seem to “wake up” eventually? Either way, what leads to that conclusion?

You need to know where you’re going with a story BEFORE you can tell the story. Otherwise, you end up with what you have so far: some good thoughts and images, but nothing that really connects to anything else.

My advice is to use spell-check on your computer. Use it religiously. I’m a senior in college, majoring in English and I STILL spell check everything, even e-mails. It’s very easy to misspell words when you’re typing quickly. For example you wrote “she wondered from class to class.” It should be “wandered.” Homonyms like that (words that sound the same, but are spelled differently) will get you every time.

You need to re-read your work–out loud–to make sure it sounds okay. Also, if possible, find a friend who’s willing to proofread your work and you can do the same for him/her.

Still, my biggest advice would be to make an outline of what you want to write about because it will really help you organize your thoughts and avoid rambling too much.

Good story. Too bad the punctuation and spelling and the use of the wrong words in the wrong places messed it up. That is probably why the teacher didn’t like it either. If you read books, of any kind, you can see the simple sentence structure of those sentences. Also, if you read books, you will see that it is very important to use the right words in the right places. If you are not sure, look it up in the dictionary. Every writer in the world uses a dictionary all the time to make sure the words he/she is using are the right ones for the sentences they are writing. In order to convey the right message you will need to know this. This is not ragging, but constructive criticism. Use it and you will go further than your peers. Don’t use it and remain behind everyone all the time. Your choice. In my opinion.

What exactly did your teacher say about it? It’s very rough, needs some work on mechanics, but it seems like a good start to me. Maybe you should polish it up a little, extend it a little more, and ask your teacher for some constructive criticism. Ask her what she doesn’t like about it, what should be changed. I’m not sure what Narrative Voice Attitude means. Maybe her criticism is just that it doesn’t fit in with what she assigned. That doesn’t mean it isn’t good writing, just doesn’t meet the assigned criteria. I would ask her to be very specific in her criticism. At least she will understand that you are serious and really want to improve your work.

The students will teach the teachers. When a teacher tells something that is wrong it is up to the student to correct the teacher and what student will sit there and allow a teacher to preach falsehoods anyway? NONE! I know when I was in school it was up to the teacher to have an answer for EVERYTHING and if he failed he had BEST not come back to class for he would be hung in effigy. Peace y’all

Well, it COULD end up decent if you work on it. Your grammar, spelling, and vocabulary definitely need word. If you are going to keep writing on this, you are going to need to add a twist or something, because a lot of people write along this same path. You are going to need to have a reason why someone would want to read this. Stray away from cliches. Try to make it a little less choppy. Good luck, keep writing.

Well I can definitely get an image in my head of this young girl. Your grammar is terrible, although I know you said its rough rough. You may want to structure some of your sentences differently. Like “It didn’t seem to faze her even a little. Not even…”

Take out extra words, and use better punctuation.

oh well.. yeah.. first you have to check you’re grammar and stuff.. that something you write [for me] is a bit common. uhm. it’s like some of those things I’ve read somewhere. but what matters is i got the thought. it’s not that bad though. cheer up. Ü

I like how you tell your story, but you should also pay attention to such basic things as spelling and punctuation – anything else just comes across sloppy.

It’s a bit disjointed, the thoughts don’t flow and you need to check your grammer and word choice. It’s a start though.

narrative voice attitude? It definatly has your attitude towards school in the letter. If your teacher rejects it then tell her that you feel rejected because it is how you are feeling then if she does reject it that makes her look really bad.