There were indeed many other varieties of dwarf living and breeding in and around of the Enchanted Forest State Wildlife and Dwarf Preserve area in the late 1700’s, the hayday of dwarf usage. Many were common food dwarves and breeder dwarves not worthy of mention in the popular trade journal: “S. Whiteman’s Dwarfing Monthly”

One of the few accurate sighters guides for indiginous dwarvery. Among the most sought breeds were Musky: A rare but pungent dwarf coveted for its glands which were used in perfumes and snake oil recipes to add substance or “legs” to the potions. Other “aromatic” dwarves were Patchouly, Minty, Piquanté and Zesty but most popular of the “stinkmidgets” were the aphrodisiacal: Tangy, Crotchy, Panty, Coozy, Sweaty, Putto and Balls. Harvested by the dozens and boiled down in large vats, the concentrated extracts of these dwarfs were said to have an Irresistable flavor that was sure to beckon hither even the most foppish of courters, Sold as “fruits of the moss” they were a staple of many a wicked stepmothers boudoir.

Feeder dwarves included Fishy, Beefy, Porky, Turkey and Soy. These hearty, high protein dwarves were feasted on by nearly every carnivorous beast and plant in the little game region and during dwarf season their carcasses littered the ground in abundance providing a veritable smorgasborg for wildlife as well as a rich soil enhancement teeming with dwarfen nutrients.

Most coveted of all the Dwarfstuffs were the slave dwarves. Larger and more robust than the food dwarves, many were kept by rich widows and bachelors as bedwenches and manservants. Others were put to work in the fields harvesting tubors and low growth crops while the less intelligent genetically compromised retard dwarves were used as door matts, speed bumps, door stops, ottomans and even bath towels.

The largest, comliest of the dwarves; Studly, Busty, Badunkadunk, Big Schlong, Hanglow and Hips measured up to two feet in length, were put to stud or used as breeding stock and are the ancestors of the modern garden variety dwarves or “little people” who live and work among us in society today.

Myth debunked: Fidgets, Elves, Leprichauns and Mini Me are not actual dwarves and do not exist outside of folklore, Keebler products, breakfast cereals and hollywood.

Years before Snow White showed up, there used to be Twelve Dwarfs. Who were the other five we don’t know about and what happened to them?

Well, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful, and Doc.

but, the others? They were appropriately named:

Gabby, Slutty, Crazy, Hyper and Wits.

Gabby — made use of the gift of loquacity, and went on to pursue a career as a talk show host.

Slutty — couldn’t control herself and left to live in a brothel.

Crazy — was delusional and thought he was the president and was 302’d.

Hyper — went on to train for the Olympics…. winning the Gold in the mens 100 metre dash.

and Wits — Wits went on to law school and now acts as the Dwarf’s attorney.

1. Pancho – He got gunned-down in the barrio , mistaken for a rival gang member .

2. Special ‘K’ – He left to join the corporate cereal world .

3. Flakey – Federal drug conspiracy charges landed him a hefty 20 year sentence .

4. ‘Pat’ – Was suspected of really being a girl , and when asked , always gave a vague answer that just left further question marks over the heads of the others . Pat was quietly written out of the script .

5. Dennis ‘K’ – Not to be confused with ‘Special K’ and not even related , after being teased and pushed around by the others because of his weak appearance , it is said that he went on to a life in politics in Ohio , and some say they heard he’s gonna run for president someday. . .. . . . . Hmmmm , Dennis K = Dennis Kucinich ?

Litigious sued Doc for sexual harassment, and got kicked out of the group by Grumpy. Pugnacious had been getting on rather well with Litigious, and challenged Grumpy to a duel, the winner of which would get to remain with the rest of the dwarfs. Grumpy won. Gossipy started a rumor that Grumpy and Pugnacious had been carrying on a secret affair but had broken up, leading to the fight that determined who got to remain, as of course they couldn’t be around each other anymore. Grumpy, in an odd display of overcompensation, challenged Gossipy to a duel. Gossipy, bruised, bloody, and beaten, left with his knapsack shortly thereafter. Wasteful then had it out with Frugal, who claimed that Wasteful had kept a candle lit all night. Wasteful was so annoyed with the argument that he left the group in search of Litigious, who was much more experienced with such arguments. Frugal, knowing he stood no chance against the two, took off in the other direction, unaware of the fact that Litigious and Wasteful would be accidentally stomped upon and killed by a gentle giant.

They were

Inky,

Pinky,

Blinky,

Clyde,

and Packy.

However, one day on the way home from the mine, Packy found some mushrooms in the forest and decided to eat them. A few minutes later he became insistent on the fact that he was “the man”, going so far as to insist that the other dwarves called him “the Pac-Man”. Nobody’s really sure what happened later that night, all anyone remembers is that he kept screaming “They’re ghosts! I’ll save you, brothers!” as he slaughtered and cannibalized the other four dwarves. After that night, the other seven dwarves weren’t sure of much, but they knew one thing: Packy had to go.

Nobody really talks about that time anymore, the time of Packy.

It’s hard to top Anton Chigurh or The Terminator. How about Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart? 🙂

Suicidie

Kissie

Flirty

Killy

and Emo

what happened? well Suicidie and Emo got into doc’s med bag and that was the end of them. Kissie and Flirty got married and moved away, the others are pretty conservative and don’t let anyone talk about those two. Killy joined the army and went off to war.

Foppy—Currently a top male model…(still in the closet tho!!)

Droopy–Serving time for one too many episodes of indecent exposure (his pants kept falling down!)

Druggy— Still spaced out after all these years…currently watering his marijuana plants and eating a stale slice of pizza

Dorky—(AKA “Dweeby”) Former computer whiz kid currently trying to come up with a new version of Yahoo Answers!

Booty Call—a gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do! (She was and still is the most popular of all the dwarves!)

8. Stigma …. Quit the forest and went into Opthalmology.

9. Horndog …….. He took an overdose of Viagra and is presently hooked up with Desperate Housewives.

10. Curiousity ……. Is doing time for killing the cat.

11. Ding Dong…….. He is the top salesman for Avon.

12. Dirtbag ……… Went to law school and was one of the members of O.J.’s defense team.

Five small wooden beds were discovered in the deep dark woods, bearing the names:

Humpy

Stumpy

Gropey

Stinky

and Jim

Humpy was continuously getting caught humping Dopey in the middle of the night, making Grumpy grumpier and Happy gloomy. In order to maintain the staid character of the more well-behaved members of the clan, Humpy was banished, his bed tossed into the dead bedyard.

Stumpy was continuously getting caught yanking his stump in the wee hours of the dawn, causing Grumpy to growl and Dopey to wonder. In order to maintain the sweet innocence of Dopey, Stumpy was banished, his bed tossed into the dead bedyard.

Gropey was continuously getting caught groping Happy and Bashful between the hours of 1 and 2 a.m., causing Happy to become much too Happy, and Bashful to become crippled in shyness, in turn causing Grumpy to snarl all the live-long day. In order to maintain an even keel betwixt Happy and Grumpy, and to bring Bashful out of his shell, Gropey was banished, his bed tossed into the dead bedyard.

Stinky was continuously waking Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Doc, Bashful, Grumpy…even Sleepy, with his incessant dead-clam, road-kill smelling flatulence, which at least enabled the capture of Humpy, Stumpy and Gropey in their misdeeds, but eventually led to his banishment, his bed tossed into the dead bedyard.

Jim left for L.A. to form a band.

The rest is his story.