Sunshine blushed, hating to leave that hand, and bustled off to her quarters to throw some things in a bag.

“HEY, you know what?” Matt called out after her. “Instead of taking the bus, let’s grab the horses. They could use the exercise.”

“Sure thing Matt, sounds like fun.” Sunshine replied cheerfully, she was always so cheerful around Matt.

Minutes later, Festus brought two strapping steeds from the barn, fully tacked. “Good thang yer takin the horses” he said, a piece of straw bouncing from the corner of his mouth. “Billy Bob and Big Bertha here were fixin’ ta jump their stalls…haven’t been out fer a ride in some time.”

Settling into their respective saddles, Sunshine and Matt trotted down the ranch road. Suddenly Sunshine’s mount, Big Bertha, jumped and started bucking and twisting like a rodeo Bronc.

“HOLY BANANA BOUNCING BOMBS OF DEATH!” Screamed Sunshine, grabbing the saddle horn and laughing just the same. Matt gave Billy Bob a kick and ran after her, wrapping one big, strong arm around her slight waste, and pulled her from the agitated beast.

“Must’ve been stung” he surmised, and swung Sunshine up behind him in the saddle. Sunshine was in heaven, holding onto Matt.

“Here, here,” he grabbed Bertha’s reins, and checked her rump, spotting and angry sting. “Just dab some of this on’er, it’ll be ok.” He removed a small tin of butter from his saddle bag. “Butter’s better for you than oleo, but it sure makes a mess on a bee sting like this, hey Sunshine?”

After three hours’ riding, the sun settled behind the string of purple mountains adorning the horizon. Settling by the campfire, Matt fished in the bag for dinner packed by the hands.

“Beans, beans, beans, that’s all we ever have is beans.” He grumbled.

“Oh, Matt, I sure don’t mind.”

Matt looked at Sunshine, the campfire danced in her eyes.

“You sure are pretty. Who cares about the dang beans anyway…” he approached her, flinging the can over his shoulder into the scrub.

hmmmhmmm.

They’d invited their friends, Sunshine and Matt, to the cook-out.

“Beans, beans, beans, that’s all we ever have is beans,” complained Sunshine, surveying the mess.

“Baby Sunshine Girl, I love you soooo much,” murmurred Matt, gun slingin’, tall, cool drink of well water from the old west.

The two couple enjoyed their barbecued banana-bean mash, and had small talk for hours.

Billy consulted his digital watch. “Honey, you better get packing, don’t want to be late for the bus.” Bertha went into the house, to begin packing for her trip to Washington D.C., where she was going to replace Karl Rove in the White House.

“Say, what’s that newfangled thing on your wrist?” Matt asked Billy.

“Anachronism,” said Billy.

Bertha was making a special dinner for the two of them, and Billy was reading aloud from erotic literature to put her in the mood while she cooked. “’Baby Sunshine Girl, I love you soooo much,’ murmured Matt, gun slingin’, tall, cool drink of well water from the old west,” read Billy haltingly.

Bertha slapped a pan down on the stove and got a can of baked beans down from the cupboard. “Beans, beans, beans, that’s all we ever have is beans,” complained Billy, looking up from his steamy novel.

“I work my fingers to the bone, cooking and cleaning around here,” yelled Bertha, cranking the can opener furiously, “and WHAT appreciation do I get? I even made your favorite dessert, banana bouncing bombs of death!”

The sight of Bertha in her pulchritudinous splendor opening a can of Van Camp’s, along with the sultry suggestion of Annie MacGregor’s latest potboiler, overloaded poor Billy’s libido. With one sweep of his arm, he cleared the cooking utensils from the surface of the kitchen island. Ravenously kissing her neck, he deftly pulled off the new outfit she had just bought at the tent and awning shop for this evening.

Bending her over the island, Billy started rubbing her all over with the stick of butter that had been softening to make the banana bombs, simultaneously licking and fondling what he assumed were erogenous zones through the prodigious folds of her skin. “Butter is better for you than oleo, but it sure makes a mess!” panted Billy, coming up for air, his chin and mouth all covered with grease.

Diving back into the slippery flesh, Billy at last located something that made Bertha moan. He worked it furiously as the moans intensified to a loud grunting, which finally ceased as her body twitched uncontrollably.

“Better get packing, don’t want to be late for the bus in the morning,” said Bertha matter-of-factly, jumping up from the island. Billy decided to forgo his dinner of beans and banana bombs and instead go to Ben’s Bar for a beer with his buds. “’Bye, Bertha,” he said, slamming the door behind him.

They loved role playing and for today’s afternoon delight, it was Big Bertha’s turn to lay back and have him “do unto her”. The preacher had just spoke on this at last Sunday’s service!! …,something about doing unto others!!

Billy Bob was riding high on the hog, while Big Bertha squealed with delight! She offered up her banana bouncing bombs of death like twin torpedoes, ready for launching!! Billy Bob reveled in the sheer enormity of his puffy, portly princess in all her glory!!!

At the moment of truth, when Heaven and Earth intertwined, Billy Bob yelled “LET HER RIP!!!!!, a moment later a loud sound erupted!!! Billy Bob collapsed in glee and Big Bertha was laughing so hard that Billy feared they’d have to cash in on the bed’s warranty!! “Its all your fault, Bertha,darlin” he said, as he jumped up to check the box spring. “Beans, beans,beans, that’ all we ever have is beans!”

Still laughing, Big Bertha hopped off the bed and went to clean up. “Butter is better for you than oleo but it sure does make a mess”

After a refreshing shower the two lovebirds prepared to go into town for the Big Pie Baking Contest. Big Bertha had prepared her famous Apple Grits pie and was hoping to walk away with the Blue Ribbon!!

Billy Bob put on his best britches and Big Bertha stuffed herself onto the Pocohontas outfit she reserved for special occasions.

“Come on babe, better get packing, don’t want to be late for the bus” Bertha packed up her two pies and they were off!!

The barn where the contest was being held was packed!!!

The aromas were so enticing they were making Big Bertha’s mouth water! She couldn’t help but notice Marshall Matt Dillon and his gal Sunshine Macgillacutty. Sunshine was unpacking her cherrie pies while Matt was nuzlzing her neck.

Big Bertha turned up the power on her hearing aide and edged a bit closer.

“Baby Sunshine Girl, I love you soooo much” murmurred Matt.

Big Bertha broke out in a sweat! Her eyes were glued on Matt who was now trailing his fingers down Sunshine’s back.

Sunshine turned and smiled up into his eyes “UMMMM, you gun slingin’, tall, cool drink of well water from the old west, lets go out to get some….. fresh air” The two disappeared out the side door.

Big Bertha fanned herself furiously already thinking up the fantasy she had planned for her and Billy Bob tomorrow afternoon!!!

Once upon a time in the land of the Bazookas, there lived the King and Queen and they had a beautiful daughter, Princess Sunshine, who had strawberry blonde hair. She was now nearing 60 and they were more than ready to marry her off.

“Wait!”, you say? “How can she be 60 and have strawberry blonde hair?” Well, that is quite simple. You see, the day that her hair started turning white, Princess Sunshine started complaining… and, BOY, did she complain! ** rolls eyes**

Matt Dillon, her long-time crush, was her hair stylist. “Did you do what I told you? Did you try using oleo instead of the butter to sleek your hair and keep it strawberry blonde?”, he asked her.

“Yeah, Matt_Baby, I TRIED it. I KNOW you said for me to use oleo, but I like the feel of the squooshy melting butter between my fingers as I run it through my hair. It makes me feel real sexy, babe…”, she said in a dreamy romantic way.

Frustrated at Sunshine’s stubbornness, he said with more “umph” this time, “I TOLD you that to keep your beautiful strawberry blonde hair from turning white that you should be using oleo instead. You THINK that for your silky smooth hands butter is better for you than oleo, but it sure makes a mess! You mean to tell me that you prefer to slave away with all the extra cleaning from using that ice-chilled butter?” Well, Sunshine HATED being questioned… “Does he think I have no smarts about me???”, she thought. “Hmph!”, she uttered under her breath. Sensing her unhappiness, Matt_Baby thought that he had to redeem himself. Perhaps he was being a little two harsh on his sweetie. After all, they are always so passionately in love with each other…. Why should an issue over hair and oleo or butter send things flaring and frying? “No, sirree…. I’M not going to let this land us in hot boiling water…. We’ve been together and through sooo much together…. The only thing I’m going to set on fire is her heart”, he thought to himself. And things were just starting to sizzle.

“Baby Sunshine Girl, I love you soooo much…”, murmurred Matt, gun slingin’, tall, cool drink of well water from the old west in one hand… and scissors in the other. So he thought that he would take her out to lunch at Chili’s after he finished cutting and styling her hair; they hadn’t gone to Chili’s for a long time.

“Hey, Babe, how does lunch at Chili’s sound? I’m getting hungry…. Care to join me for lunch?”, he inquired hoping that she will say “yes”. To his dismay, Sunshine started ranting and raving…. And just COMPLETELY went ballistic. “Beans, beans, beans,…. that’s ALL we ever have is beans… grrr…”, it was like her PMSing days were back again.

“Geez…”, he thought, “WHAT’s gotten into her now??? All’s I asked her was if she wanted to eat lunch… it’s not a question that she’s never heard before… it’s not a place where she’s never been…”

Next thing Matt knew, he was being bombarded, almost as if they were banana bouncing bombs of death being dropped his way from the blue skies. Sunshine held Matt’s arms firmly and started shaking him like a madman. “WHEN are you going to ask me to marry you??? WHEN? We have been dating since we were 15… when are you going to propose???”, she demanded. “Are you waiting until our funeral to ask?”

“Hmm…. So THAT’s what this is all about! Well, it’s only been what…. 45 years of this luvy-dovey love affair…?”, he thought to himself. “What’s the big rush? What’s her great hurry? One day at a time… we live one day at a time…”

“I HEARD THAT!!!!! WHAT’S THE BIG RUSH?????…. well, for ONE, my biological clock is not waiting for noone. Number TWO, I don’t know when my ticker is going to stop ticking…. When do you plan on asking me? When I’m NINETY?????…. when I’m lying on my deathbed???”… yeah…. Sunshine was NOT a happy camper!

“All right, all right… we’ll discuss this some other time”, he said soothingly. “Since you don’t want to go to Chili’s, I suppose I can give you a lift home, okay?”

“Oh, all right. I’m sorry…. that I’m being so testy. Forgive me?”, she said meekly.

“Baby Sunshine Girl, I love you soooo much that I would never let something as petty as THAT ruin our relationship. We are like a fork and knife; we complement each other… we were made for each other”, Matt assured her. “Well, we had better get packing… don’t want to be late for the bust lift that your dad’s going to have.

Baby Sunshine Girl and Matt Dillon got onto Matt’s brand new motorcycle, Sunshine’s arms wrapped lovingly around her man, and then sped away into the sunset.

When they got to Sunshine’s home, they found that her parents, Billy Bob and Big Bertha, were fixin’ to get lunch on the table. Around town Billy Bob was known as “Billy Boobs” because of his sagging breasts, and Big Bertha was known as “Big Burp” because of her constant belching.

As Billy Bob set the warm cornbread on the table, Big Bertha set the covered cast-iron pot on the table. “I made your favorite again, Sunshine…you came JUST in time!”, she grinned delightfully.

As Big Bertha uncovered the cast-iron pot, Sunshine peered over the pot to sneak a peek. Sunshine rolled her eyes…. “Beans, beans, beans, that’s all we ever have is beans!!!”, she muttered and then let out a big sigh.

Well, as it turned out, it was REALLY good chili that Mom and Pop had made, a mean one. Sooo good that all four of them finished the WHOOOLE pot. Having their appetites completely satisfied, Mom and Pop plopped onto the living room couch, while Matt and Sunshine snuggled in the loveswing outside on the porch, their arms wrapped around each other. Sunshine rested her head on Matt’s shoulder… thinking to herself, “I sure am lucky that I have Matt_Babe all to myself. He’s AAALLLL mine!”

And no sooner had she thought that, Matt let out big long banana bouncing bombs of death… and the two of them, arms wrapped tightly around each other, went straight to the moon! Too many beans! LOL haha haha ha… and they got married and lived happily ever after!

Billy Bob got everything in order. He made hotel reservations, dinner reservations and even went so far as to purchase show tickets. He was so excited that he could hardly contain himself. He had planned on packing up the pick up and not telling her where they were headed. The day before they were to leave, Billy Bob went out to run some last minute errands and the truck would not start. He tried everything but to no avail. He called his closest neighbor, who was a mechanic and asked for help. His friend came over and after looking the truck over, decided that the truck needed to go in to the shop. The truck was over 20 years old had seen better days. The mechanic said that it would take several days to get the parts and do the repairs.

Billy Bob was crushed. All he could see was all his hard worked out plans going up in smoke. He stared in disbelief at the mechanic. Then the mechanic, feeling sorry for poor old Billy Bob, said,”hey, have you thought of taking the bus?”

Billy Bob looked up and said,”No, I never thought of taking the bus. That’s a great idea!” and he headed out of the shop on his way to the bus station.

He was standing in line to purchase two round trip tickets to Louisville and as he stood there he got to thinking to himself. Big Bertha had such bad eye sight that he thought he could get her there and her never know in advance what he had planned or where they were going if he just hid her eye glasses.

He went home and told her he had a surprise for her for their anniversery but all he would tell her was that they were going away for the week and that they were going by bus and leaving in the morning. Being as the truck was in the shop, he had to arrange for a ride in to Summerset to the bus station and the next morning, Big Bertha, brimming with excitement was up before the sun. Their ride arrived a short time later and Big Bertha yelled out to Billy Bob, “the van is here (2)Better get packing, don’t want to be late for the bus.”

(4) Billy Bob and Big Bertha were fixin to get in the van when Big Bertha announced that she had misplaced her eye glasses. Billy Bod told her not to be concerned because he was sure that he had packed them away some where in all their bags. She was relieved and they left Science Hill headed for points unknown as far as Big Bertha was concerned. It was all Billy Bob could do to keep his mouth shut. He wanted to tell her more than anything and he couldn’t wait to see the expression on her face when they got to Louisville.

The bus stopped for lunch in a little town called Danville and Billy Bob and Big Bertha got out. They went in to the station and sat in a corner booth. Billy Bob’s eyes were filled with the same love he held for Big Bertha on their wedding day. He could never imagine a day without her in his life. He still had her glasses hidden when the bread and butter arrived. Billy Bob watched the love of his life as she struggled to buuter her warm bread. He reached across the table and took the bread and butter from her. Chuckeling he told her (1)”Butter is better for you than oleo but it sure makes a mess.” Her cheeks turned red from embarasement. She said,”I guess there is warm butter running everywhere isn’t there?”

He told her not to concern herself with it, he would clean it up.

They got to Louisville after dark and he got them to the hotel. It was the biggest fanciest place either of them had ever seen. The hotel manager, upon finding out that they were celebrating their 50th anniversery, gave them the honeymoon suite. Big Bertha was amazed at the size of the room and all of the wonderful things that were in it. There was a bathtub that was bigger than their pond out behind their house. There was a big bowl of fruit and a bottle of champagne chilling for the love birds. Big Bertha and Billy Bob both, were in awe. After the bellhop left, Big Bertha danced around the room and giggled like a school girl. Billy Bob had tears in eyes, he was just so happy that she was pleased.

The first night, as they cuddled in the bed, and turned on the big screen television. Bertha had never seen a screen that large except at the picture show. As they were flipping the channels they came across a channel they had never seen before. It was called T.V.Land and an old western was on. Gunsmoke. Bertha had not seen that show in a long time and was happy she had found it. She curled up next to Billy Bob and started dozing. The next morning she awoke to breakfast in bed and Billy Bob sitting there freshly showered and ready for the day. He asked her if she slept well. She said,” the last thing I remember was watching Gunsmoke and hearing ‘ (3)Baby Sunshine girl, I love you sooooo much murmurred Matt, gun slingin, tall, drink of well water from the old west.”

After her breakfast, they headed out for their first day in the big city. There was so much to see and do and the State Fair to attend too. Billy Bob told her that he had even purchased tickets to some of the head line shows that were playing at the fair. After walking around town for a few hours they decided to stop for a bite to eat and then head to the fair. Bertha’s eyes lit up at just the prospect of going to such a big event. She had heard about the State Fair all of her life. She knew that it was held on 400 acres of property and it had 1 million square feet of indoor space alone.

She sat down with her Billy Bob and was about to place her order with the waitress when Billy Bob ordered red beans and rice. Big Bertha looked at him stunned. She said,”(6) Beans, beans, beans, that’s all we ever have is beans and the first time that we have the chance to sit in a fancy sit down food place and get anything we want, you order beans!” He laughed and said,”I guess your right. I’ll change my order.”

After lunch they headed for the fair. Bertha was beside herself with excitment. She thought she was going to have a heart attack just thinking about it. They arrived at the fair and realized that one of the tickets for one of the shows was getting ready to start as they walked through the gates. When they got to the show, they walked in and they had never seen anything like it. There were teenagers everywhere and they were all dressed in black. Billy Bob and Bertha thought for sure that there had been a death and that they were in the wrong place. They askled an usher what was going on and the usher told them that one of the most popular bands in town was getting ready to take the stage. Billy Bob asked what the name of the band was and was told, “they’re called the (5) Banana Bouncing Bombs of Death.”

Billy Bob looked confused.He looked at the usher and said”I thought that George Strait was supposed to be playing tonight.” The usher said, “He was but couldn’t get here in time, he will be playing tomorrow night. You can use your tickets to see tonights show or you can hold on to them until tomorrow.” Billy Bob and Big Bertha decided to wait for George Strait.

After an evening of walking around the fair grounds, holding hands and laughing like a couple of teenagers on their first date they headed back to the hotel. They spent another wonderful evening in each other arms and the next morning they went down to the restaurant in the hotel lobby. The manager was fascinated with the older couple and struck up a conversation with them. After a few minutes he looked at Billy Bob and asked why he called his wife “Big Bertha” when she wasn’t a large woman and surely it wasn’t a compliment. Billy Bob lokked at the manager and said” My wife has the biggest heart of anyone in Science Hill Ky. She has taken in handicapped children, homless people and stray animals. No matter how full our home is, she can always find room for one more needy person or animal.” This tale touched the manager. He looked at them both and said,”I am proud that you have chosen my hotel to celebrate 50 years of being together. I am honored to be in the presence of such a wonderful woman and to see two people still in love after all those years together has warmed my heart.” And then he told them that he could see charging them for their week at his hotel.

They spent the rest of the week enjoying all of the sights and sounds of the city. They were celebrated every where they went and even George Strait brought them on stage the night they went to see him.

Although they had a great time, they were glad to get home. Big Bertha is still telling all of her friends over and over again about her week in the big city and Billy Bob just sits and smiles, glad that he could bring that much joy to his wife.