Dear Ms. Silva:

It has come to our attention you’ve been late twenty seven times in the last two months. We have also received reports that you have used our copier for such activities as making copies of your naked bottom and breasts and circulating them to the more senior male members of our staff. On last Thursday, it was reported the elevator was stopped between floors for some 38 minutes with you and Senator Wilhelm as sole occupants of said elevator. When the repair company was called in to sevice the elevator, no maintenence was found necessary. Add to this your chronic late lunches, inability to follow our filing systems (It appears you simply throw away your filing, rather than actually file it, chronologically, alphabetically or otherwise), the chronic lost and dropped telephone calls of our most wealthy and time-constrained clients, and your inability to approach even the slightest levels of modesty and circumspection in your dress and manner (Really, Miss Silva, a red bustier, and black fishnet hosiery on a legal secretary/receptionist?) leave us no choice other than to let you go, much to my own and the other senior partners’ chagrin. Please have your desk cleared of all personal materials and belongings and please be ready to be escorted from the building by 11am today.

Very truly yours,

Roger Morgan, Senior Partner

Morgan, Millhouse, Stanning and Windish

PS Are you free for dinner this evening?

Silva,

how are YOU today? i hope you are well and DON’T have any problems. do you HAVE enough money to pay all those recent medical bills for your premie baby? gee, isn’t it nice you had …have A JOB with good benefits? i hope you liked …I mean …like working HERE at rainbow, flowers and peace. believe me, i know how hard it is to find a good place to work ANYMORE. gosh, YOU’RE such a good example of hard work. we appreciate everything you did …er …do …everthing you do …to make this a nice place where everyone is so all- FIRED happy to be. um, …well, …i guess that’s about all.

oh, wait, …there was one more thing. now what was it? oh, yes …we ..that is …you …uh …need to see jennifer some time today. …no hurry. …take your time. just see jennifer sometime before you …um …LEAVE TODAY. you know …anytime would be fine. after lunch, …around 2ish, …maybe when you get up to use the restroom sometime, …you know anytime …well like NOW , maybe. …i don’t think jennifer is busy …now. we’ve asked jennifer to make copies of everyone’s keys, …not just yours, …no, no ..everyone, ted, angie, …steve… she’s even making copies of my keys. …so, whatever… just give jennifer your keys and she will give you an envelope, …an envelope just for you. …has your name right on it. …right on the front. give jennifer your keys and take the envelope. …but, don’t open the envelope until you get home. take off your shoes, …relax, …pour yourself a nice drink, …sit in a comfy chair. then, …open the envelope. o.k.?

bye, bye.

p.s. this is just a random form letter. so, i didn’t need to sign it.

Silva,

It has come to our attention, once again, that your work load is being carried by other members of staff.

We have spoken to you about this previously on 1st September, and written to you on 18th Septembe, but your constant disregard for the company has reached what can only be discribed as a tantamount breach of protocol.

As director in chief of arm storage, we, the board of directors, have come to the decision that your position in this company has been withdrawn.

We hereby give you notice that you must return all weapons entrusted to your person by no later than 30th September 2007. This includes your uniform, all security passes and get out of jail free cards.

We very much regret that we have had to come to this decision, but smoking pot on top of an ‘A’ bomb and singing ‘she’ll e comign ‘roung the mountian’ just about pushes our company credibility to its limit.

With regret

C. Elipcse

Head of operations

A51 – west wing

Roswell

Ooh, fun! This is from two devious, sticky-handed, snickering little goons to the owner of a certain broken window: Deer Curly-Head, To hoom it may consern, (“You have to say that,” Glora said seriously. “Else it won’t sound proper.”) This is Mister Charlston. I am vary sory about the windo. And I am vary sory about the footprints on your pritty roof. You see, I was walking by your manor, and then I went crazee and jump-ed thru your windo and then climb-ed back out and ran across your roof. I hope cordeeali (“Put a few big words in, so it sounds real.” Wesley whispered. Glora nodded, pressing the pen down rather harder than needed.) that you will look ovr this littl axidint and we may be frends for sum tim mor. Yours exelentlee, Mister Charlston. Sin-ed by my trustee advysers, Wora and Geslee. BQ: Would such an apology be remotely possible in your story? Yes, actually. BQ: Most supernatural experience you’ve ever had? Once I was way up in a sycamore tree that was about to be cut down, and I was hugging it tightly. My whole life was in its ha…branches. It swayed with the wind, and I held on, feet light upon a sturdy branch, and – I felt its presence. Seriously, it sounds weird, but I swear I felt the consciousness of the tree. I had promised it I wouldn’t let it get cut down. And clutching its dry, papery bark, I felt, in my chest, a sort of solid, cool presence from the tree. Alright, I sound raving mad, but that’s one of the most supernatural experiences I’ve had. Oh, and I always find exact amounts of money around this ONE vending machine.

Dear Miss Incompetent,

We are pleased to tell you that you are fired from this job after 22 years of service. Yes we are aware that you left your husband and kids behind just to further your career but don’t come whining to us about it because we where laughing like hell when it happened. We never really read all those papers you gave us so your job really means nothing to us. We are mainly firing you though because we want a raise in our paychecks and yours just seems to balance it out. We’ve never really done this to anyone before but like that slogan you came up with “Don’t worry we’re always willing to work things out and make an exception”…think we’ll discard that after you leave….instead we are hiring a new girl who looks a lot nicer than you …actually Tim with the hairy back who has warts and is always scratching himself looks nicer than you. Yes we also know Christmas is coming up and you are a little behind on your bills but once again we don’t care. I’m sure you’ll find another job soon (I heard they are hiring at Walmart). Good luc….oh what the hell….HAHA HATE TO BE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Management

Answer # 1:

Well babe, in this company you are the weakest link and we have voted you off the island

If it werent for those fabulous breasts we would have never hired you in the first place.

(this is part of our new “honesty” policy as you can see it is a new innovation in american business and we are still struggling with it. )

Answer # 2:

Dear Silva, due to unforseen circumstances we are forced to terminate your position.

This is a difficult decision, please please dont take it personally, we have nothing against your job performance, you have been exemplary in every respect.

In fact you have done a better job than I could in that position, after reconsidering I am forced to fire myself and give you my postion, you deserve it more than I do.

You might as well take my new company car and corner office, I wont be needing them, and of course I wont be making the payment on my house, please take that too.

Actually, my husband has not been very happy with my performance either, would you consider taking him too?

Dont worry about me, this is a far better thing I do, you are so much more deserving than me.

Respectfully yours,

Director of human resources.

Dear Silva,

Due to the recent demand of more paper clips by corporate we are going to have to make some “financial cutbacks” and am sorry (but not really) to inform you that you have been qualified as one of our “financial cutbacks”. I trust you knew this day would come someday. Because with out a necessary supply of paper clips, how does a company survive?

Silva,

Your entire family died in a horrible crash. Pieces of them are scattered for miles along the freeway….. just kidding. Doesn’t getting fired feel a little better, now?

Your BOSS

Silva, you’re service to this company has been honorable. We feel you have improved by exponential means. However, we regret to inform you that due to corporate budget-cuts, you are hereby laid off from the company. I’m sorry, Silva, but I’m going to have to let you go.

Dear Silva,

Your Fired.

Have a nice day,

Your boss (before)