The old geezer was seated at a slot machine, nasal cannula attached to his oxygen cannister, his wife at his side, listening to him wheeze and whine at the same time.

My friend Mary and I had arrived in Vegas 2 hours ago and were now on the floor of the casino. Gazing at the old fart,

Mary was disgusted already!

“You call THIS fun? Where are all the HOT guys you said would be here? The “high rollers” as you put it! It looks more like an AARP convention in this damned place!!

Just then the sirens and whistles went off BIG TIME, at the slot machine we had just gotten off of!!

An old, old lady in a turban wearing an ungodly amount of fake gold jewelry was dancing in the aisle while the machine went crazy!!

“Who’s your momma?”She shouted, while doing a little jig around the machine.

I’m your Momma!!! You have come home to Momma!! Hallelujah!!

The old guy next to me almost pulled my shoulder out of it’s socket trying to get a look at what was going on!!

Mary picked up on the excitement of the crowd. She congratulated the old biddy whose eyes were now glowing with exileration as she awaited the attendant.

“My late husband done told me to stay AWAY from the $1 machines and thank GOD I paid him heed!!!” She made the sign of the cross and looked up reverentially .The same “older” gentleman eyed the old lady appreciatively, his eyes now fastened speculatively on her turban. She may have been old but she didn’t miss a beat!

she glared at him coldly.

“That money goes STRAIGHT to the bank for your information” . She gave him an icy stare. He withered and faded into the woodwork.

By this time Mary had had enough! “This is all VERY touching, but as I remember we paid a bundle for this vacation, lets stop slackin’ and get crackin’!!!!

We moved from the slots to the Blackjack tables.

As it happened, Lady Luck was on our side, we were making a KILLING at the table!! At one point, after a huge win, I screamed so loud that they called security!! It was round about this time that Mary “suggested” we retire to the lounge area. Two tall Texan bankers had been eyeing us with that “we came to party’ gleam in their eye.

High Rollers here we come!!!!

I settled in front of one of the flashing machines, next to a big guy. He reminded me a bit of John Angel, Ph.D, professor of Paleoanthropology. Yup, he looked like a caveman.

“Stay AWAY from the $1 machines,” said the man. I was puzzled, since the machines weren’t made that way any more. This one had buttons that said “Change bet,” “Max bet,” “Spin,” and “Print Ticket.” I stuffed my credit card into the slot, and had it pull $200 for starters.

I pressed the “Max Bet” button. Bad move. I’d lost $20 in one spin! “Hey, did you know you can also pull the handle?” asked Mr. Caveman. I ignored him. I pressed “Max Bet” again.

Still nothing. I pressed the button again and again. “How are you doing?” asked a chick in a black bikini. Funny, she didn’t look a bit Indian to me.

“I just blew $100… Where’s my antacid?” I replied. By now I was a bit manic. I pressed the button again. Winner! I won $5… on a $20 bet!

“You’ve got it warmed up!” said Mr. Caveman. Then the guy next to me almost pulled my shoulder out of its socket! “I want a turn!” he shouted.

I screamed so loud they called security, they came promptly, and that was the last I saw of Mr. Caveman. Moments later, a brown-eyed girl who looked a bit familiar settled in front of that machine. “Don’t I know you?” I asked.

“Jennifer Jensen,” she replied. Her ponytail swayed with a wiggle, and she showed me a dimple when she talked.

“Jenny Jenny,” I said. She smiled more brightly. “I remember you.” I remembered I got her name and number off the wall. She had a reputation for being easy, easy like Sunday morning.

Jenny put a ticket into the machine, blew on her hands, and said, “Who’s your momma? I’M your momma!” She pressed “Max Bet.”

Oh my! Bells went off, lights flashed, and a voice came out of the machine: “Winner! Progressive Jackpot Win!” I looked over at the LED display. Jenny had won $56,240!!

“That money goes STRAIGHT to the bank,” Jenny told me.

Buoyed by her success, I pressed the “Max Bet” button on my machine, again and again! Well, by my reckoning, I ended the day losing $200 and winning $5. Fortunately, the salad bar was complimentary!

==

Hey, Sunshine, funny thing is that in my career as a computer boy, I programmed the personality modules for a couple of stand-alone games, and did some “client side” programming for a video bingo game. I have never been to a casino, but I do know what the machines look like, LOL.