Emu

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In between times o’ running after Peggy Sue and running away from Bad Man Jose, I take an odd job. This time, I was a deputy for… well, you don’t need to know which county. I’d done odd jobs here before. Usually when I’m in this area, I am a lineman for the county.

So I was patrolling, riding in my car, I turned on the radio. Dispatcher said, “Ruckus on Route 118, Deputy Tamer, please respond.”

“That’s a 10-4, Tamer responding to Route 118.” I checked my belt. Yup, there, hanging from my belt were six o’ the most polished pokeballs this side o’ … um, whatever river was nearest.

Oh boy, ruckus was right. There was a man with a gun over there, and some terrified tourists. He looked like Elmer Fudd and sounded like Porky Pig. I got out of my car.

“You got to beware,” he was sayin’.

“Stop!” I shouted.

“Hey, what’s that sound?” he c-cked his head over and listened.

“Let’s have your gun, son,” I said. “Nice and slowly.”

“Now you wait a minute Deputy Dawg, I seen a ghost!” he exclaimed. “Ghost in a wishing well!”

“And you need a gun to shoot him with?” I asked.

“I saw a b’ar too.”

I could smell his breath from 20 feet away. I knew which kind of “bar” he’d been seeing. “Was that before or after the ghost appeared?”

He was swaying on his feet, and his gun was pointin’ every which way.

“Hey, I need some help with my patrol car, I think the bear is in it!” I shouted. Didn’t have to ask him twice. He trotted over and looked into the window. “Hey, can you see my rulebook in there?” I asked.

“Huh, r-r-r-rules?” he stuttered. He bent closer to the window.

“The rules are quite clear… READ THE RULES!” I’d crept up behind him. I smashed his gun hand against the car, then bent it down behind his back and cuffed ‘im. The tourists cheered as I folded him into the back seat. “Blow into this field breathalyzer, please. Let’s just check that blood alcohol level, shall we?”

Oh my. His reading was somewhere north of “thoroughly soused.” I took him in to the sheriff’s station. The sheriff was half asleep when we came in… and the prisoner was getting agitated.

“I-I-I’m going to g-g-get you, lawman!” he was sayin’.

“I’ll take the prisoner from here, deputy,” said the sheriff. The sheriff uncuffed him. Big mistake. Never offer an angry man a break! Elmer grabbed the sheriff’s gun from its holster, and fired!

“I shot the sheriff” he crowed!

I yanked a pokeball off its harness and beaned Elmer with it. “But you did not shoot the deputy.”

I tied off the sheriff’s wound, and called for an ambulance. As quickly as I could, I threw Elmer into the holding cell. Then I sat down to the routine of holding the sheriff’s wound, then easing off, then holding… Oh man, did I pick a rough job. Some days, I feel like I need to rethink my priorities. Next time I come through this area, I’ll do the lineman thing again.

Well, after a while, after the EMTs had come and gone, I heard Elmer start to come around. “Th-th-th… THAT’S ALL, FOLKS.”

“Shut up!” I yelled.

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Okay, Sunshine, well, there it is. The sheriff pulled through just fine and took early retirement. Elmer will be spending the next seven years behind bars (and not drinking at them). Me? I’m a travelin’ man, made a lot o’ stops.

“Let’s just check that blood/alcohol level, shall we?”

“uh, lets not!” I didn’t think that it was any of her ghostly business to know how drunk I was.

“Never offer an angry man a…” I just had to stop her, it was obvious that I was not the drunk one here. She tried to continue several times, but I was just not in the mood for drunken ghostly insight. Who would’ve thought that a ghost could be such a pain in the @ss!

“I need to rethink my priorities.” I said. I started to walk away because it was clear that whatever sexual perversions I had in mind for this ghost were not going to happen. I yelled, “THIS IS THE LAST BLIND GHOST DATE I WILL EVER GO ON!!!” I thought ghosts were hella cool and this was going to be the night of my life, but in the end I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Ghosts are SO annoying.

She then got up on the table flinging things around, pulled her top off and yelled, “Th Th Th….THAT’S ALL,FOLKS!!”

I was so embarrassed. I just got up and left her there bare ghost breasted and all.

I turn around , and those cop lights won’t go off, he wants me to pull over.

-May i see your id and registration please?

In that moment I knew it was all over, i need to rethink my priorities.

-Sir, you, take off that green wig, red nose, and show me your card and registration ,NOW!

I hand over my id, only to see his face cheer up and smirk

-Wow, you’re the guy from TV, my kids love you! don’t you happen to have a balloon somewhere,e in your trunk maybe?

-No officer

-Really? wotcha got?

-bubu the bear, I kidnapped him.

-ha ha! you’re a funny man.

-Officer, let’s just check that blood/alcohol level,shall we?

Don’t you ever have any decent questions, other than this “amusing paragraph” stuff?