“God must be smiling at me,” mused Mother Fantana, pointing towards the skylight.

Richmond turned and saw the smiling, bearded figure waving from a tall stack of thunderheads, and waved back.

“Actually Mother, I think he’s smiling at ME.”

Mother Fantana pursed her lips, and turned a scowl at the custodian.

“Baby,” she began, “I’ve waited a long time to be this happy, so don’t ruin it now!”

“I’m just saying, you overreacted…”

“I did not!” snapped Mother Fantana, her face partially eclipsed by the shadow of her habit, “and OMG! SSSHHH!!”

The two fell silent as suddenly the clouds parted, and in a blinding flash of light, The Almighty Himself appeared between the startled nun and janitor.

“Weren’t expecting that, were you?” chortled God, resting a hand on their shoulders, and walking down amidst the pews towards the altar.

“Good heavens,” muttered Mother Fantana, exchanging astonished glances with Richmond, “He has come and joined us in our own church! And it’s not even Sunday!”

Moments later, God reclined against the front pew and snapped his fingers. In another blinding flash of light, a foot-stool, wide-screen TV, and a small TV tray burdened with snacks appeared.

“ I think you need to know this,” said God, fumbling for the remote control, “ I ADORE Matt Dillon, from “Gunsmoke.”

For the first time all morning, Mother Fantana was speechless. She dutifully sat next to God, as TVLand’s “Gunsmoke” marathon began. The robust strains of a guitar erupted from the TV speakers, as the wild west map slowly curled up in flames.

“I love the mild yet tense romantic undercurrent between Matt and Miss Kitty, don’t you?” asked God, offering the pair some fig newtons. Only Richmond accepted. The Mother was too overwhelmed by her special visitor.

“ I know I’m different,” she said during the first commercial break, “Okay. Okay; But it’s not like I have two heads or anything,”.

“Heh, had I wanted that you would’ve had it from the start, Mother Fantana. Can I call you Mama Fanny for short?”

Richmond snorted. He liked God.

“Uhm, whatever,” stumbled the nun. Richmond ate another fig newton, and offered God one of his little boxes of Juicy Juice.

The Almighty accepted, then turned his into a saucy, yet understated merlot.

Richmond nodded to God, who understood. He waved his large, powerful hand and turned Richmond’s juice box into something that sparkled and sang, like a miniature choir of saints.

“Secret elixir, huh?” chuckled Richmond, impressed by the miracle. “Well, I’m usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don’t know what the hell’s in that either.” The custodian then drank the potion down all in one gulp, as Mother Fantana stared on, incredulously.

A second later, Richmond gave a bloodcurdling scream, and gripped his face as if it were on the verge of exploding.

“Sssh, shh,” chided God. “The marathon’s resuming.”

“Richmond!” screamed Mother Fantana, “what’s happening to you?”

But Richmond could only thrash and scream, and roll across the floor. His body jerked and buckled like he was riding an invisible bronco. Smoke and green sparks began to erupt from his eyes and ears.

And then, suddenly, the church fell quiet. Mother Fantana ran to the slumped form of her janitor.

But when she raised him to his feet, she gasped. His appearance had changed. No longer did he resemble Richmond Spatz, the down-and-out-janitor of St. Estefan’s First Catholic Church and Credit Union, but….

“…..Mr. Wiesenthal, my ninth grade gym teacher!”

“Indeed,” smiled the pudgy gray man with the partially deflated basketball. “Though to be fair, Fanny, I’ve only taken on the guise of Mr. Wiesenthal. Deep down to my core, I’m still Richmond.”

“Oh..kay…”

“That potion was a holy potion, intended to help me take on a form that would grant us both happiness. I now appear as someone whom you’ve loved and admired for years, and in return, your admiration makes me feel loved and fulfilled.”

The two embraced, and ran out the front doors, hand in hand.

Moments later, Mr. Wiesenthal – or actually, Richmond – could be clearly heard to bellow, “Okay! Now drop and give me 20!” Mother Fantana’s giggled, then there was a blissful silence.

God smiled, shrugged, and popped open a box of Goobers.

“I thought those two would never quiet down. Now to see how Matt handles those crooked prospectors….”

END

Deep within the Swamps,in a small neighborhood off the byou, used to be a bit of shack doubled as a bar and Store. In a demure Fashion, a lovely younger girl entered the shack.Lurking within the history used to be an overly excited younger guy, peering from the darkish nook., the shop proprietor’s son. the younger guy approached the younger girl, Whispering softly into her ear…It is my Lady,Oh, It is my Love .. As the lovely woman grew to become to the younger guy, she slowly unbuttoned her shirt, revealing all her charms to Him, His Heart began Thumping, in sync with every of her Heaving breaths.. His pleasure stuck him up, because it rose above him…The crowd gasped ” In the Name of all thats Holy… Grabbing her up, they began out into the deep swamp….Passionately they have been embraced within the quilt of the deep wooden, When All of the surprising, a valid used to be heard……. Screaming out of the wooden like a banshee, With Lightening placing, Thunder clapping all above the 2 fanatics,Rain started to fall, there within the darkness towards the flashing gentle Stood the Witch of the Deep Black Water!! Cursed you, son of the Keep.. A Plague on each your residences. Forever your generations shall… Standing his flooring, shakeing with worry, his want rose uo once more in defiance..looking to compose himself… the younger guy Yells to her, Yea, BLah Blah Blah, Thats what all moms -in Law Say!!!!!!!!!

I think you need to know this…… I ADORE Matt Damon, from “Bourne Ultimatum.”

Hey, howdy!, Miss Kitty!, How things?, ok Bat, how ar’ you?,

I heard you pulled one out you sleeve!, in that poker game!!,

I did not, Oh my God, shhoot!, miss Kitty!. Hi chester!, what all thet yellin miss Kitty?, you alrigh Bat?, Oh we just playin Cheste, don’t you fret non, Chester, go on now!, I know you got some work to do, get all that hors shoot from the front, we

cain’t have it lookin like that !, ok chest?, OHK, miss Kitty!.

You kno Miss Kitty!, God must be smilin at Me!!, yeahp!.

Why Bat, whas goin on?,

Well!, Well baby, I’ve waited a loong tiiime to be this happy!!, yes sir re mam!,

Don call me baby, Bat!, I kno you such a long time!,

Sorry miss Kitty!, but you know what?, I gotta tell you this!,

I thnk you need to kno this Miss Kitty!,I’m in love,, I’m in love,

I adore Matt Dillon miss kitty!.

What,We all like Matt, Bat!..

I,ve bin tryin to get him on the Beeee,are you goin crazy Bat?

Miss Kitty, ha ha ha!!, You too ah!, gosh miss kitty!.

Miss Kitty I, know it dont sound right!, but I don know what

it is!. You know I ain’t bin wit your girls up there, and I don’t want to… But when I sees Matt, ooouuuiie!, my God, mis..

Now you shut, right this here second Baat!, what if they heah

You?. I don’t much care miss kitty, Now you shush Bat!, Its not

like I have two heads or anything miss kitty!, okay, okay, I know I’ma little difrrent,is all!. Here comes doc,quite Bat!

Hi, Dock!, well!, howdy miss kitty! Bat, hmm, when didja get in

town Bat?, Oh couple days noow doc!…

Hey doc, can Italk to you private like?,, sure miss Kitty,

Scuse us bat,..

Hey doc, you know that stuff you gave mr Jenkins?, fo his hors

That hoorse, that was tryin to.. that.. other horse!!,

Oh shhuucks mis kitty,whatsou wanthat for?.

Oh comon doc!,, I’ll tell ya!, you know that secret stuff, that stuff from mougolia!,or somwheres!, Miss Kitty, if I didn’tknow you better, I’d!, (slaps hat on knee),, psstppspsspspsps…

ok misskittyy, I ll try it, You better be right tho!…

Hey Bat, stop by moffice, ok?, now doc?, yeah come on!.

Hi yall!, hi chestr, …Well Ibe miss kitty!, Icome in,, and all left!!,hmmmm. have a beer chester!…

Well, whats up doc?, Iknow you a man of fine tastes Bat!,..

Whaat!, you too doc?…. I want you to try this secret elixir!, Bat, It’s from Arabi..

Doc, well you know Im usually more of a bourbon guy doc, but when push comes to shove, I dont kno whatsin that stuff either doc!!!..You drink that down Bat, and sit down thar, Bat.

Well, do you feel anything yet Bat!,, been 2 hours,

Nooo I see you doc!,

Hi miss kitty!,… well how are you Bat!, I just wonderin miss Kitty, You maybe wanna go upstairs for awhile?,, now Bat!!..

Hi! Matt, Hi Bat!, hi! Matt!, See yall later, see that pretty thing smilin at me miss Kitty!..Bye Matt, bye missKitty!..

Well Kitty, anything happen since I left?, no Matt, NO!!.

NOTE: misspellings are intentional, no offense meant to anyone, I also am straight, and no unusual love letters please!!

This story is made up, if any of the names reminded you of anyone, it was intentional, and you can give me all the thumbs down that you want!!.