Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and he Palestinians. I like both of them. But i can explain. I just took a half pound of Vicodin so I’m going to be feeling pretty good until March. i normally don’t take that stuff but yesterday was not normal. see, a guy came up to me and said “You are a strange and interesting woman.” i was pretty freaked out, for obvious reasons. but i ignored him and walked on. he followed. he said, “I’ve been thinking too much. i had that thought, actually. I’ve been having feelings for you for a long time, plainly put. i want to ask you…will you–will you…eat Gorgonzola cheese with me?” Harmless enough, i’d thought. i said yes.

later, we were eating cheese, and he said, This monmetn…Is climbing the charts.” then i realized how much i hated Gorgonzola cheese. i felt so mad that i’d eaten it, i wanted to OD on something. i saw a homeless dude on the corner hawking Vicodin. and, needless to say, i made him very, very rich.

You said, “I just took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I’m going to be feeling pretty good until March.”

I am sorry that you did that it can kill you rather then making you feel good. You are a strange and interesting woman. So why would you want to die? Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians. So that means you must believe in diversity.

“I’ve been thinking too much. I had that thought actually.” and what thought would that be? This moment…..Is climbing the charts.

If you have ever wondered why it is not a good idea to fall in love (or lust) with a rock star, you can just ask me…. because boy do I ever know.

That’s right. It was fall of ’03, and I was fresh out of high school. I was this hot young teenager looking for trouble, and I found my share of it at the Got No Moral Values Tour.

Every year scores of bands would compete for the chance to play live with Ozzie. They came by the droves, followed by staggering numbers of young teen fans and groupies. I decided that that year was the year of freedom, and I was living it up! I went on a road trip with a bunch of my girlfriends across country to see the Tour. We were all determined to “hook up” with someone from a band, we all dreamed of being young starlets.

When we arrived to the open field that the festival was going to be at, my best friend Tiffany looked at me and said, “Are you ready for this?” I kinda smiled a little, with butterflies in my stomach and said, “I just took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I’m going to be feeling pretty good until March.”

So on we strolled, the lovely ladies arm and arm onto the path toward stardom. I looked back on my “childhood”, a.k.a., the last year of my life. I’ve been thinking too much lately. I had that thought actually. So I focused more on shaking my hind end as I walked through the throngs of people around us. Sweating a little, I eyed the stage area, looking for someone half-famous that I might recognize, and then I saw him…..

Brett Jackson, lead singer of Screamin’ Deamins. Oh yes, there he was in all of his side-burned glory; blue eyes sparkling, and jet black hair shining. I leaned in to a couple of my friends and told them that this was the one. I knew in my heart that he was the one, I have been in love with him since I was 13, like forever, you know? I let go of my friends hands and strolled his way, shaking my hips, and poking out my chest. I flipped my long brown hair over my shoulder, and leaned into him, touching his arm…

I began to size up the other girls standing around him, mousy and pimply and young. Oh, this would be easy as pie. I looked into his eyes and said, “Tell me what is the defining moment of your career?” He looked at me and said back, “This moment is climbing the charts.” I giggled a bit, and slid my arm around his waist, pulling him with me as I walked toward the back stage area. The girls all gave me looks of hatred and evil intent as they all slowly became unattached from his body.

My hope was for me to get him to take me backstage, so that I could convince everyone there that we were dating…which would of course become true because I would follow him to every show. I started asking him all sorts of questions, trying to sound intellectual. I wanted to prove to him that I was not only looks, but brains as well, and what man can resist that?

I asked him what his favorite movies were, and had he read any good books lately? I was on a roll…I could tell that he was into me by the way he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye, thinking that I didn’t notice.”So what are your musical influences?” I asked him, trying to be deep and serious. He began to list a series of bands like Rolling Stones, Nirvana, Marvin Gaye, and Simon and Garfunkel. I laughed at him, and he looked hurt. “Seriously? I thought you were kidding”, I said laughing again at the look on his face. “Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.” I said, straightening my spine a bit to look superior, men love women who are strong and opinionated…

He stopped walking, and grabbed me by both of my arms and said, “You are a strange and interesting woman, but you are just not my type, honey.” I stood there looking at his gorgeous face, relishing the feel of his rough hands on my arms, and I felt something break inside of me. “What did I do worng, ” I asked, a tear beginning to form in my lower lid. ” I like women who are older, and like to talk about politics instead of music. I like women who are submissive, and sweet and gentle. I just don’t think that you and I would work out. Plus, I just met you….”

As he walked away, I stood there realizing that I had gone about it all wrong from the start. I was too busy trying to be what I thought that he wanted instead of just being me. I had also made the mistake of trying to go after someone because of their status, instead of falling in love naturally. I learned a lot that day, how to be a woman, and not a child. And how to just be myself. It’s funny, I think that I became a woman that day. I learned something from my mistakes, and that is the first step to maturity.