Circa 1873

“Make Her Go Away”

(4) “Please state your full name for the record.”

“Kitty…..uhhh…..Miss Kitty.”

” No nicknames please .”

Kitty lowered her head and looked out the window……….

“Kathleen Raquel Russell.”

“(6) PLEASE remember you are under oath!”

“OKAY. OKAY. Kathleen Mmmrtmmm (mumbles) Russell.”

“SPEAK UP, for heaven’s sake. Kathleen WHAT ?!”

“MYRTLE ! MRYTLE! Are you happy?!”

The courtroom was all a’buzz.

“ORDER!! There WILL be order in my courtroom!!”

Sunshine’s attorney, a Mr. Si Goldstein from Des Moise, started his questioning.

Si:”Alright then….. Maam?………. (((((WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE ACT WAS PERPETRATED ON MISS SUNSHINE MACGILLICUTTY??!!”)))))) he shouted .

Kitty jumped so high, her French Twist started unravelling !

Sunshine whispered….LOUDLY…..” PSST. Hey, Myrtle…….

You’re red hair from a bottle is falling down!!”

The courtroom erupted in laughter.

(2) “The jury is instructed to disregard that unwarranted outburst!” He glared at her. Si turned to face his client and indicated by his expression that she was to be quiet!!

http://www.oddgames.com/daniel/graphics/angry_man.jpg

Sunshine took a quick bow and sat down.

Judge:”Counselor. Please instruct your client to keep any and ALL comments to herself!”

Si:” She doesn’t listen to me most of the time, Judge. She’s pretty much a loose cannon.”

Matt Dillon: “AMEN !” Sunshine stuck her tongue out at Matt and indicated with hand signals they had once devised that she would be having a headache that night!!

Judge:”May we PLEASE get on with this?!”

Si:” Miss Mrytle. I …I … I mean, Miss Russell. Please tell the court where you were the night of the theft.”

Kitty explained she could not have POSSIBLY stolen Sunshine’s guitar. She had no interest in the darn thing, and anyway…… She had been in her office that night, going over her liquor inventory.

Si: “Going OVER your inventory or DRINKING IT ?!!”

Judge:” MR. Goldstein……. You’re walking on thin ice and your CLIENT has already fallen through!!!”

Si: ” That’s all for now, Judge.”

Judge Booker turned to Kitty’s lawyer, Elmer Fuddinski.

“(1) Please call your next witness.”

Elmer:”Thank you vewy much, Judge. I would like to stay with Miss Wahsell.”

Judge Booker:”I’d like to stay with her too, but let’s get on with this blasted case.”

Elmer shot the Judge an angry glare….” What I mean to say is, I will question the witness…… Miss Wahsell….. You don’t like Miss Sunshine vewy much , do you?”

Kitty: “I hate her guts !! She is a blemish on the face of this town. EVERYTHING to her is a ….a….a CARNIVAL !!!”

Sunshine: “Hee Haw, Miss Kitty!!!”

Judge Booker: “Marshal Dilwon…I mean DILLON,(he was beginning to talk like Elmer) PLEASE SHUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND UP!”

Elmer:”So you hate this moronic imbecile…. I mean this lady……I see. Did you steal her guitar?”

Kitty:”Of COURSE not!!”

Elmer: “I WEST my case. She said she didn’t do it. And I, for one, think she is a vewy, vewy honest dancehall girl.”

Sunshine was called to the stand. As she and Kitty passed each other, they both shoved. Kitty fell into the lap of the astonished court stenographer. Sunshine fell in Matt’s lap. He tried to grab a quick kiss but Sunshine was still angry over what he had said earlier…..She whispered in his ear…”And remember. No nookie tonight, sweet britches!!”

Elmer:”Why do you inSIST that my client, a lady of the highest moral standards, would steal your guitar. She doesn’t know how to play it or anything!!”

Sunshine stood up……”That’s what YOU think!!” She ran over to Kitty and exposed her……………………………………………… CALLOUSED FINGER TIPS !!!!

All hell broke loose. The jury was instructed to leave the room, take their time and come back with a decision.

They came back in 5 minutes.

Judge Booker: (3) “Will the defendant please rise?” Kitty stood up.

The head juror took out a slip of paper. He cleared his voice and read their decision……”(5) We find the defendant………..

GUILTY…….. Due to drunkeness!! We highly recommend that she seek help!!”

Kitty jumped up and started screaming.

Kitty :”I only did it to please YOU, Matt !!! LOOK !! ” She pulled out the guitar from beneath the bench…..

“I can play, ‘C, F and G7.’ ”

She jumped up on Judge Booker’s table and strummed along with her own version of “Love Me Tender:”

♫ ” Love me tender, love me dear. Please come back to my bed.

I know you think Sunshine’s so cool. But she’s really out of her head!!!!

Love me tender. Love me now!!! I can’t wait one more day.

Leave that horrible hillbilly gal. And make her GOOOOOOO

away !! ♫”

I was a private eye and being called to the witness stand was not unusual. But this case was unusual because the defendant who was accused of murder was my best friend and partner. And I was a witness for the prosecution.

“Please call your next witness!” said the trial judge who reminded me of a lizard with his dry skin that looked like scales.

“We call on Dave Barton, your Lordship. Dave Barton please take the witness stand.” said the District Attorney. I took the stand. “Please state your full name for the record, also your address and occupation.”

“My name is David Barton. I am a registered private detective in Wisconsin and I operate at a small office at boulevard avenue. I am also a qualified aviation pilot.” The trail judge looked at me strangely.

“The jury is instructed to disregard that last information on aviation as it has no bearing on the matter at hand.”

“Mr. Barton, could you please tell us what transpired on the 4th of September. PLEASE remember you are under oath!” said the DA.

“We had been called to a crime scene – ” I began

“Who does ‘we’ refer to?” asked the DA

“Myself and the defendant Mike Bradley who is, well was my partner at the detective agency.”

“Go ahead then, what then happened?”

“Mrs. Hammer, a regular client of ours had called in to report that her house had been burgled and her poodle killed while she was away. So, we went over. The Police had already been there and dusted for fingerprints. We interviewed her neighbours but no one seemed to have heard or seen anything. We had no clear suspect. But then Mrs. Hammer called me aside and whispered that she had seen some red dog hair hanging on Bradley’s jacket and it matched those she saw on her kitchen sink that morning. I waved aside her insinuations but became suspicious myself when I saw the hair on her kitchen sink which matched that of Bradley’s Great Dane. Bradley was largely uncomfortable as I whispered with Mrs. Hammer but I did not tell him our suspicions.”

“How long have you known Mr. Bradley?” asked the DA

“Since childhood” I responded

“So, what then happened?”

“Mr. Bradley was quite restless on our drive back to the office and opted to stop by a confectionary shop. He said he needed to make a purchase and will see me in a while. But as I drove away I was uncomfortble with him suddenly alighting from the car. Intuitively I drove back to Mrs. Hammer’s apartment. Just as I got to her door, I heard a muffled scream. I pushed the door open and saw Mike Bradley standing over her fallen body with a knife in his hand. He turned to me and said, ‘I’m sorry Dave. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.’ And he broke down crying.”

“Your witness.” said DA turning to the Defense Attorney as he took his seat.

“I have no questions for the witness.” said the defense attorney.

“No cross examination?” asked the trial judge looking surprised. The defense attorney shook his head.

‘None, your lordship. My client pleads temporary insanity.”

The jury was back in less than an hour with their verdict.

“Has the jury reached a verdict?” asked the trial Judge

“We have your honour.” said the foreman rising to his feet.

“Will the defendant please rise.” said the trial judge. Mike Bradley rose to his full impressive height. He already had a guilty and crestfallen look on his face.

“We, the jury find the defendant on the charges of first degree murder and burglary, guilty as charged!”

As everyone sat in the stuffy, sweltering, congested courtroom, for the fifth hour that day, it was evident that tension was beginning to rise to an even greater degree between the prosecution and the defense.

Curtis “killa” Wilson was on trial. This wasn’t the first time he’d ever been inside the courtroom. He had a rap-sheet as long as Niagara Falls, and had done serious time at San Quentin for gang related violence, having only been paroled less than a year. He really should never have been paroled, but was after serving only 7 of his most recent 10-25 year sentence. His gorgeous professional ‘resume’ since Juvie consisted of: one count, aggravated indecent assault; one count, sexual assault, one count endangering the welfare of children, two counts of aggrivated assault, two counts disorderly conduct, two counts reckless endangerment, one count risking/causing catastrpophe, one count assault with a deadly weapon, one count of theft by deception; two counts of theft by extortion; three counts of identity theft, three counts forgery, nine counts of writing bad checks, two counts of intimidation of witness/victims, two counts of retaliation against witness/victims, one count retaliation against prosecutor, (for his last time in court in which there was a conviction), three counts possession of firearms (the last offense which was a violation of parole) five counts receiving stolen property, five counts possesion of drugs, two DUI’s and a minor traffic violation.

This time, however the charges were different, much more serious, not that the others hadn’t been. Two counts of murder of the 1st degree (which the defense was trying to plead out for manslaughter); two counts of aggravated assault, attempt to cause bodily injury; (two counts of disorderly conduct and terroristic threats, to go along with the assault charges); two counts of reckless endangerment; one count of criminal mischief; one count of resisting arrest.

The defense was arguing that the defendant had an air-tight alibi for the night of the murders, and he was just being targeted by police because of his previous record. They were really pushing the ‘reasonable doubt’ thing beyond the limits of what was remotely feasable, or tolerable, pissing off the prosecution with every attempt to establish the notion as a sufficent defense, by stating also that both the arresting officers and the D.A’s office failed to follow the rules of criminal procedure when issuing the warrant for his arrest, among other things. That was BS. There had so been more than enough probable cause.

Even so, the prosecution was holding thier own. Every so-called witness brought forth by the defense was of questionable character, and had criminal records of their own, which made it easy enough for the prosecution to rip them a new as*hole as they sat on the stand, purjuring themselves in court no doubt. Even so, the jury seemed to be buying the Defense’s less than reasonable arguments.

In the courtroom down the hall, there was another trial in progress, one of less ‘severtity’ than the first.

Mrytle Finkelmiester, a grandmother of two, had been arrested for publically urinating in the local playground. Being 72 and having a bladder problem, she basically decided that the ‘business couldn’t wait’ and went to talk to a man about a horse behind a tree in the park. A police officer had noticed her ‘doing her business’ and came over to ‘deal with the situation’. He must’ve been on a mission to make his quota as he not only gave her a citation, he arrested her, right there, as she was with her grandchilden. And the charges? Indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, assualting a police officer (because she hit him with her purse) and endagering the welfare of children, (because her grandkids were present during this whole fiasco). What a stretch the last one was.

In the first case, of a previous offender now on his thrid strike, it seemed like an open and shut case. Why this guy was ever let out of prison in the first place is a mystery. In the second case, it seemed the same. Nobody in their right mind would sentence a 72 year-old woman to hard time. The fact that these two cases were being tried in the same building, is also a mystery, as is also how the particular case of going to the loo outside became a jury trial other than for the sake of literary purposes lol 🙂 anyways….

In Courtroom 412 the battle was becoming obxoxious, and very heated. With both the prosecution and defense

“objecting” every argument made by the other.

The judge, becoming increasingly frustrated slammed his gavel and warned the two sides, respectively, of the possiblity of contempt if they didn’t cease the bickering, with eachother, or him when he said ‘enough’. He was also not interested in another sidebar. He then instructed the defense, with a slight nod of his head. (1) “Please call your next witness.”

“The defense calls, Mr. Roberto Cornholio to the stand.”

The prosecution snickered. This guy was a major drug-trafficer, and had been in and out of lock-up for the last five years for assault charges as well as other things. Destroying his credibility with the jury and the validity of his testimony wouldn’t take long at all.

In Courtroom 416 the elderly Mrs. Finkelmiester was already on the stand. (4) “Please state your full name for the record” her defense lawyer asked politely.

“Well…. it’s Mrs. Myrtle May Finkelmiester.” she replied.

“Well that’s a beautiful name,” stated the lawyer affirmatively.

“Thank You.” said Myrtle, politely.

“Mrs. Finkelmeister, how old are you?” he said.

“Well, I’m 72 young man.” she replied.

“Oh wow, 72, my that’s a lovely age.” he said.

” Yes, why thank you. I’ve had a good life” she said.

The Judge smiled.

“Do you know why you’re here today?” asked the attorney, trying to establish the competency of his client, “Why you were arrested, and are facing these charges, Mrs. Finkelmeister?” he asked.

“Why yes,” she replied ever so sweetly to his prodding,

“I took a whiz in public so i didn’t wet my pants.”

The courtroom erupted with laughter.

Back in 412 the two sides were arguing worse than a married couple headed for divorce. And Mr. Cornholio was nearly in tears, as tough as he was. (*thinks* maybe it brought back sad, sad memories of his childhood, i don’t know.)

“Mr. Cornholio!” cried the prosecutor, (6) “PLEASE remember you are under oath!”

“… I…. I don’t know!” the witness stammered.

” You DON’T know? You DON’T KNOW?” said the prosecutor, “DID YOU or did you not just say, UNDER OATH, in accordance with the affadavit you signed with police upon your questioning, that the defendant paid you the sum of $32,000 to carry out the deed?”

“Objection!” cried the defense.

“On what grounds?” said the judge.

“Entrapment. Leading the Witness. Prosecution is prompting the witness answer affirmativelty irrespective of actual memory. It has already been decided by the court the witness’ confession of alleged conspiracy with the defendant to commit murder was taken under duress and has been ruled inadmissable. Prosecution is aware of this. If the witness answers affirimatively based on the content of the affadavit, it is self-incriminating, making him culpable, and Mr. Cornholio is not the one on trial.”

“Sustained. (2) The jury is instructed to disregard……..” the Judge said authoritatively.

“Damn!” said the Prosecutor under his breath, as the witness took the cue from the Defense to plead the 5th.

Back in 416 Mrs. Finkelmiester was enertaining the jury with both her humour and her heart-wrentching tales of her very difficult life.

As she and her defense lawyer had rehearsed, she went on about her weak bladder, and failing eyesight, being on medicare, the death of her husband Edgar due to a stray shopping cart in the Walmart parkinglot at Christmas; her very distressed single-mother daughter who abandoned her two kids and how now she at 72 was now soley responsible for their upbringing.

She also recounted, with a few tears, her embarassment of having to decide between breaking the law by pubically exposing herself to take a leak OR to urinate on herself in front of her grandkids and their schoolmates; her grandkids already got teased enough by them for having no parents at home and she figured, the first, was the lesser of the two evils. She also mentioned how rude a young man was the arresting officer, who was most obviously, a rookie.

Back in 412 the battle continued.

“Objection!” said the defense again to the prosecutor’s line of questioning. “Relavancy?”

” It establishs motive, your Honour.” said the prosecutor, shooting a sharp look towards the defense.

“Overruled. You may continue…” said the Judge.

In 416 the defense was finishing up closing arguments.

“And you must see, that what Mrs. Finkelmeister did, was what she thought, the ONLY possible thing to do. If it were you, and you were out at the park with your grandchildren, being elderly and having a bladder condition….. or maybe, not at all, and nature called….. and YOU,” he said facing the jury, “knowing the embarassment YOU would feel, if you did your business all over yourself… would you not spare both yourself AND your poor helpless grandchildren……” he paused a moment, then he continued with a crack in his voice almost indicating heartfelt emotion, “grandchildren that already suffered SO MUCH embarassment and taunting at the hands of other visicious, evil, mean-spirited children just because THEY HAD NO PARENTS…… *cue slight sob as a tear-jerker*……… WOULD YOU NOT find the nearest tree where with to releive yourself behind? Think, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, think long and hard…. about yourselves, and your own lives….. Have we NOT ALL PEED IN PUBLIC?”

After what seemed like hours but had in all actuality been the fastest jury deliberations in history, (for the sake of literary purposes) both courtrooms reconviend.

In 412 “Has the jury reached a verdict?” the Judge asked the 12 very angry men. “We have your Honour,” replied Juror # 7 who had been chosen to be the spokesperson for the group.(3) “Will the defendant please rise.” said the Judge. “Killa” rose slowly, but as cocky and confident as ever.

In 416 simultaneously the same scene was playing out.

Mrs. Finkelmeister rose slowly, holding onto the arm of her lawyer to steady herself.

In 412 the judge asked, “On the counts of murder of the 1st degree, how do you find?” “Not guilty Your Honour.” said the Juror, to the horror and shock of the team of prosecutors, who voiciforously made known their fury. “What the F*******!” the one attorney bellowed. “How is that possible!”

In 416 the Jury was also reading off their verdict.

The Judge asked, “On the count of indecent exposure how do you find?” The Juror responded (5) “We find the defendant…….Guilty Your Honour.” At which point Mrs. Finkelmeister began to beat her Defense Lawyer over the head with her purse shouting, “Did you even pass the Bar you incompetent boob! I want my money back!”

As both courtrooms let out, it was evident that day, that not only is life not fair, and justice not always served, it was clear you also don’t always get what you bargain for.

♥♥