Circa 1873

“Festus and The Duck”

Festus: “Doc…I’m a’ tellin’ ya. I **Can’t stop trembling, I got problems!** If I’m lying I’m dying!! It looked **Like a blowed up duck** !!! Why, that varmit was the strangest thang I’ve ever saw!”

Doc:” Uh huh……. You say it was three feet tall and weighed about 50 pounds?”

Festus:”Pretty nears.What do ya think it was?!”

Doc:” The imaginings of an idiot!! That’s what it was!” He rubbed his face,shook his head, and stared.”

Festus:”There you go!! You’re so nasty. **Ain’t nothing new about that.** Just as nasty as a prostitute standin’ on the corner on a rainy night.

Doc: ” **I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole.** Goodnight you numbskull.”

Festus walked away, mumbling and grumbling…… **They say it’s healthy to sweat** but I think I’m getting plum sick over this thang.” He turned and yelled at Doc…… ” And **His eyes balls was stickin’ out of their sockets!** SO THERE, ya old scutter!!”

If you are a fan of “Gunsmoke,” you’ll enjoy this, I think.

This is the way Doc anf Festus spoke to each other. Their’s was a unique relationship. hahaha

Me an’ Donnie, we was a fixin to go fishin when the rain hit and set our plans off kilter. I tole Donny jes to leave the gear in the truck and we’ have Lyla, she’s ma wife, we’d have Lyla fix us a turkey sammich. Ain’t nothing new about that. Lyla’s turkey sammiches have been gracin’ me and Donnie’s guts fer years now. They’re great goin down, but they’re the gift that keeps on givin’ if you know what I mean.

So me an’ Donnie went out to the porch after lunch, fixin’ to taint the air and shoot the sh**, when out of the blue this old suburban pulls into the driveway and out steps Jerry Seinfeld!

Sure as I’m a sittin here, it was ole Jerry hisself!

I was fixin’ to git up and introduce maself when all of a sudden this sound like a blowed up duck cuts through the air.

I looked at Donnie and he’s a grinnin at me like the chesire cat and I say “Good lord, Donnie! We jest about have royalty stoppin in these parts, and you greet the man by fillin your pants fulla turkey wind! Ain’t you got a lick of cooth?”

“Well I can’t stop tremblin’,” Donnie said. “I got problems down below iffin you know what I’m sayin.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jerry says grinnin’ ear to ear. “I just had some airline food before getting here and I think I almost pooped the suburban.” Somerewhere behind the car a laugh track started blaring. “Speaking of which,” Jerry said, “What is the deal with airline food anyway? Who is the culminary guru who invented that stuff, I’d like to know. I mean seriously.” The laugh track started playing louder and afore it could give me a headache, I had to cut him off.

“What can I do fer ya Mr. Seinfeld? Ain’t to often we get us a bonafide celebrity in these parts.”

“Well sometimes I get thes backaches and I break out all over. Now they say it’s healthy to sweat, but I can tell you it doesn’t feel all that good when you’re sweating from back pain. So I guess I could probably use a good massage-”

“I meant, what are ya doin’ here Jerry?” I was beginnin’ to think ole Jerry was thick in the melon.

“Ohhh. Well, since the TV show is over, I’ve found myself with a lot of time on my hands so I’ve just decided to make random appearances in YA stories. There’s not much money in it, but I’m definately getting some face time here if you know what I mean. And hey. What is with chicken mcnuggets anyway? I mean what advertising genius pulled this one out of their stuffed shorts-”

“Well Jerry. It sure has been fantastic meetin’ ya, but Donnie and me have to milk some bulls. It’s fixin to be matin’ season and-”

“Richie you don’t own no bulls, and if you did I wouldn’t milk one to save my life,” the previously silent Donnie said. “You know to milk a bull you gotta grab it’s wang, and I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole.”

I nudged him to shut up. Donnie’s a nice feller, but he don’t know when to keep his gob stopped up.

I looked back at Jerry, and his eyeballs was a stickin’ out of their sockets! All of a sudden another blowed up duck thundered through the air and I saw Jerry’s Khaki pants ripplin’ off his legs. And I caught the whiff of airline mashed taters.

His fragrant gift thus given, Jerry hopped in his suburban and drove off with his laugh track a burblin’ behind him. And so ended me and Donnie’s second weirdest encounter to date. (The first, acourse, was meetin’ Donnie’s mother in law who is still known by some scientists as the missin’ link, but that’s a tale fer another day)