We live in this small town in No where’s Ville. If you bat your eyes while driving by you’d miss the place. We still had a one room school house because there aren’t enough of us to have anything bigger although they did allow two teachers instead of one. We may be small but the town folk still knew how to have fun on our numerous special occasions and the next one coming up was a food contest which was this week-end so everyone was busy preparing their favorite recipes. Besides the food judging there was going to be the usual all you can eat contest, and various games such as the pie throwing and dunking ol’ Miss bridges in the tank. Saturday came and the grounds filled up quickly. The tables were filled with food waiting to be sampled. Poor old HOPPIN’ JOHN, the main judge had his work cut out for him this year.

Miss Bridges was dressed in a bathing suit most would never be seen in but she was good natured enough to be 65 years old sit on a bench and wait for it to drop her in the tank. She wasn’t expecting the first throw to land her in that tank of icy water.

My buddies and I joined in the games but we were waiting for the all you can eat contest to see who could out do one another but first was the recipe judging. The surprise this year was a few of the older kids like me got to be part of the judging and I was one of them.

“Well bring on the food! Let’s get started!” I yelled out.

Mrs. Quillacutty’s SOUTHER SNOW BALL CAKE was first. It was huge! I took my first mouthful and tasted yeast and it felt like I was eating air. She proudly watched us and said, “I tripled the yeast as well as my baking powder to make it fluffy and big.” Boy did she ever, Yuck!!

Next came CLETUS AND THELMA’S STUFFED PEPPERS. Yum. I love those things and last year they won the prize but as I started chewing my mouth went on fire. I looked around for water. None and the rules stated we had to eat three mouthfuls of everything we were judging. Both of them announced proudly their ingredients which were chilly peppers, jalapeño peppers with a sprinkle of cayenne pepper on top. I couldn’t even taste the rice that was the main ingredient.

I didn’t know how much more I could take.

Next came AUNT EVIE’S PICKLED PEACHES. Needless to say I was leery but they were pretty good. Thank goodness!

Following that came Mrs. Grassergull’s LATE NIGHT DUMP CAKE. The name of it alone should have made me cautious but after AUNT EVIE’S PICKLED PEACHES my guard was down. There are no words that could have prepared me for this monstrosity. It looked like a plate of mush only it was solid and the taste? Well the taste I can’t describe at all. I took off as fast as possible before Mrs. Grassergull could reveal her ingredients which I really didn’t want to hear.

How HOPPIN’ JOHN did this every year I don’t know but it won’t be me.

Needless to say I won’t be part of next year and I didn’t join in the fastest eating contest.

The next morning, still feeling horrible, Mom told me she had just read the amusement column in our town paper. All the recipes were harmless but some were put up as a joke to the judges this year. None of the judges were amused accept HOPPIN’JOHN who was in it from the beginning.

I don’t know about this little town of ours!!!!

Now Cletus’ and Thelma’s stuffed peppers were not all what they had cracked up to be. This was not even the low point of the dinner party as when Thelma was carrying the southern snowball cake into the dinig room she had passed the toilet on the way. Aunt Evie had forgotten to shut the door so the sight of her pivckled peaches was enough to send Thelma into a state of shock in which she tripped and landed face first into the cake. Afetr her late night dump, cake was the last thing on Evies old and fragile mind. So instead she shouted,

“Hoppin John” as she darted from the toilet to her room, and john soon followed as he fiddled with the tricky knot in his tie.

hi

Good joke but we are not all like that, I’m almost everything you listed in reverse, but I suppose, theres always one in every bunch lol! 🙂