Grammatically, it’s fantastic. I don’t believe you have any errors in your opening! Cool.

I have one suggestion:

Try a different, less cliche-sounding opening sentence. It doesn’t “hook” the reader, and it’s a bit misleading… Not everyone will get the opportunity to go to college in their “lives.” Does that mean they are missing “puzzle pieces?”

Try this: Puzzles are mysterious games. Just when you think you may have the perfect piece, it doesn’t quite fit. Every piece of a puzzle is important and necessary. When piecing* them together, everything seems unclear and confusing at first. Then it starts to come together. For me, college is like that missing puzzle piece that demystifies the final image…

*Notice how I said “piecing” and not: taking one “step” at a time. Puzzles are about pieces, not steps. Try to re-work your analogy a bit and you’ll be fine.

Anyway, you get the idea. Just my humble suggestion. 🙂

Best wishes!

I agree with one of the other comments, you lose the analogy when you use the word step. Use the word piece instead. Also, tie in experieces as being pieces of the puzzle somehow to continue that theme. Instead of saying the happy times as the sides, maybe say it as the frame of the puzzle, since that is how kids learn to put a puzzle together, putting the frame or border together first. Finally, what is the essay going to be about? By the time the last sentence comes, I’m ready to read the thesis statement, not another sentence.

decide the main area of your essay (in case you may no longer parent that out, narrow your essay subject count) and write an beginning off sentence that has to do with that. If I have been you… i does on no account say which you’re uncertain of your self, until you bypass directly to coach which you overcame that lack of self assurance by some skill and don’t start up your finished essay in certainty putting your self down. you may desire to sell your self and your accomplishments to this faculty. the folk reading your essay know no longer something approximately you, do you particularly need the 1st factor they discover out approximately you to be which you’re uncertain of your self? you may desire to wow them, cause them to think of they could have you ever at their college. p.c.. your best accomplishment or widespread extracurricular experience and write approximately it proudly. the medicine factor sounds interesting, perchance you may desire to write approximately that. despite the fact which you opt for to jot down approximately, merely be helpful you have a novel, reliable, cohesive subject count which you concentration on utilising sparkling, significant language. surprising now i think of you are trying to talk approximately too many stuff. you may no longer write relating to the way you prefer to benefit, the way you will fit in on the college, and how you like drugs. Use a particular experience you have had and use it to coach, no longer tell, the way you’re appropriate for the college. on account which you needless to say DO know your self. You volunteered in drugs and it inspired you in determining to your substantial. it is marvelous. that’s what the faculty needs to pay attention. Write your essay very almost that, and that i promise it is going to likely be spectacular!! good success.

Talking about puzzle pieces and then saying “one step at a time” doesn’t make sense since you don’t “step” with puzzles. You lose your analogy. Sorry, it’s really a jumbled mess and doesn’t GRIP your reader like an opening needs to. I was furrowing my brow and saying “what???”

Yeah, it’s pretty good, but the beginning sounds a little cliche.

Teachers HATE cliche

Way too many cliches to be taken seriously.

yes….but make it your own.