Well, just scanning it quickly, I found a few errors.

You shouldn’t use first person in an essay (“you” “we” “I” “our”, etc.)

Don’t use contractions, spell the word out.

Don’t use the work “like” (you said “…causes problems to a lot of people, like obesity.”) Instead, say “for instance, obesity” or something similar.

Do not use “they” unless you used a noun for “they” to replace. For example, you said “In Japan,” then in the next sentence, “they.” You should say “the Japanese.” Don’t use they if the noun is singular, either. For example, if a gender is unknown, you might want to say “they” because it can either be male or female. But, it is wrong. “They” is plural. You should say “he” or “she” even if a gender is unspecified.

You have some great ideas, you just need to do some serious editing. =)

Anyway, the link below has definitions of what you said you need to have in your essay (rhetorical question, etc.).

http://www.kisd.org/khs/english/help%20page/DIDLS%20Breakdown.htm

This link is about parallelism. I know sometimes parallelism can be confusing.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_parallel.html

Anymore questions you may have, or if you edit your paper and want me to look it over again, just e-mail me and I’d be happy to help.

Many church homes (prepared faith) are coffee clatches the place cliques run and decide what is going on interior any given church. it in many situations falls to approximately 5% of a congregation to do the paintings of the excellent church ie; grounds maintenance, sunday college instructors, choir, cleansing the church, etc… I relatively have additionally everyday a pair of pastors who have been superb businessmen yet should not be in the back of a pulpit. some pastors anticipate/call for which you defer to a religions doctrine as a replace of the be attentive to God. *** i’m a company believer in “in case your going to speak the controversy you had greater advantageous be walking the walk” besides. that would desire to be (for my section) actual of each and every believer.