I would really suggest talking briefly with the teacher, when children aren’t around, and explaining to her that your son is misunderstanding the discipline system. It’s not about singling him out (though it can feel that way), it’s about making him responsible for his own actions. It’s sort of the classroom version of cutting your own switch.

Then, have the teacher explain to your son, with you there, that she does not see him as a problem kid; she likes having him in class, and knows that he can learn to curb the talking during class time. Have her explain to him the reason behind the talking rules – even though it might not bother him at all, it can be extremely distracting to some of the other kids in the class, to the point that it can cause them not to learn. A classroom is like a little community, and we all need to respect each other’s needs, that sort of thing.

Once he realizes that she isn’t upset with him, and that she doesn’t see him as a “bad kid”, he should feel better about the situation. Once she knows that he is very sensitive about the discipline, she (hopefully) will make it a point to also encourage him on his strengths.

Since it’s the beginning of the year, his teacher probably doesn’t know him that well yet, and honestly doesn’t see the depth of the problem. This is something that she should easily be able to remedy with him, but she needs to know about it early on.

(Be sure to go into this as “he misunderstood your intentions, and I was wondering if you could explain it more fully to him” rather than openly challenging her on the subject. If you challenge her or tell her that she’s wrong, she’ll most likely get very defensive and it will spiral downward from there.)

Hope that helps!

1) Talk to your son. Ask him to explain to you the rules of the class. Ask him why he’s not able to follow the rules. (He’ll probably answer, “I just forget.”) Ask him what he can do so that he remembers the rules, so that he won’t EVER have to pull another card. Have him come up with as many different ideas as he can before picking which one he thinks would work best. Do NOT suggest something for him. He is far less likely to make an effort and to remember to follow through if you make the suggestions and the decision.

2) Do tell him that the teacher’s rules aren’t about *him*, but about the rules of the classroom. When you play Monopoly, you have to play by the rules or others are going to be unhappy with you; when you play soccer and don’t follow the rules, you get penalties; in school, you have to play by the rules of the classroom or the teacher is going to be unhappy with you.

3) Have a little talk with the teacher, out of hearing of your son, to explain to her how your son is feeling and that he’s going to work on following the rules better, but that he’s really feeling like he’s a bad kid in her eyes. Sometimes teachers aren’t aware of the effect they are having on the kids as they are focused on establishing a certain amount of discipline, especially early in the year.

As for giving the child a warning, if you do that in a classroom situation, you end up spending your time in a classroom trying to remember how many of the 20-30 kids you’ve already warned that day and end up messing up on consequences or giving kids too many warnings. It’s ineffective. The consequences were already laid out and he knows about them. THAT is the warning. It’s done. The kids know what the rules are and as strict as they may be and as unfair as they may seem or be, the kids have to decide if they are going to play by them or not.

Grade 4 is not too young to be able to do this. Your son KNOWS what will happen. For some reason, part of him is not seeing it as important–maybe he thinks it’s a stupid rule or maybe he’s used to warnings or maybe he’s half-convinced he won’t get caught or the teacher won’t do anything. Whatever it is, it doesn’t change what the rules are and that he’s making a decision (consciously or not) to not follow them. He’s got to decide what’s more important–talking or avoiding pulling that card.

One thing to keep in mind is at the beginning of the year it is very important for a teacher to establish authority. This basically translates into strict expectations. If the teacher were to ignore a unwanted behavior at the start of the school year, the students will understand that they can get away with talking, ect. You might think it is harmless for your child to talk during class, but for others that chatter can really make it difficult for them to focus.

Perhaps you should talk to the teacher. If it is an escalating behavior, maybe you and your son can make a contract that is in line with the teachers expectation. I think the teacher would respond more to a parent who is interested in addressing the issue instead of saying it is not fair.

I’m sorry to say, the problem is your son.

There are always rules that we don’t want to follow. He needs to get used to it. Tell him to keep his yap closed while at school. He is there to get a free education, not to talk to friends. Save that for recess or outside of school.

Especially talking during a test! Ha! Get used to that. It doesn’t matter if he was cheating or not (which you cannot possible PROVE). It was a test for goodness’ sake! It should be obvious not to talk during a frickin’ test!

In high school, if you talk during a test, they take it up and you get a zero, whether you were cheating or asking to borrow a pencil. It doesn’t make a difference.

Teach your son to follow the rules. Then, if the teacher begins calling him out for not even doing anything, you’ll know you’ve got a situation on your hands.

If you were to go to the principal right now and complain, the principal would say “Well, was your son talking?” “Yes.” “Is there a no-talking rule?” “Yes.” “Well, then he shouldn’t have been talking and the teacher was correct in disciplining him.”

The cards were something my elementary school did too.

If this teacher is basically unfair, it’ll show up.