I breathe in the sweet earthy smell of the leaves in my hand. I suddenly wish I were back in the forest again, crunching my way through the undergrowth; picking and choosing the best and the brightest. The leaves…I smile to myself. How many times had she so obligingly taken those leaves from my young hands, placing them in a vase as if they were roses? I kiss her cold cheek.

She smells much now as she did then, of moth balls and dust. I wondered for a moment how long she had been dead, waiting only for time to confirm it. Nothing could change the wretchedness that I feel.

The low hum of a bumble bee interrupts my thoughts, and I swat him away. People mumble and laugh, buzzing in my mind; “No Aunt Sarah, I haven’t started my new job yet.”

I slip away, feet sliding out of uncomfortable shoes, and glide out over the wet grass. *God how I hate September. I watch as the tall, bronzed man begins lowering her into the ground. *“Hey you? *Yea you. You mind giving me a hand over here?” My feet will me forward though my thoughts do not. I feel the canvas cable sliding between my fingers; it burns like sliding on carpet. I feel sick again.

The cable catches, the weight shifting beneath it. I imagine the ripple in her plump aged flesh, how I would love to curl up there now. She would wipe my tears; tell me its okay to be sad. Tell me I don’t have to be strong. Oh, why do I have to be so strong?

Sweet salty tears slide between my lips…angry tears. She deserved better than this. I want nothing more than to sink to the grass and sob endlessly, to let those salty tears wash away my pain. But expectations prevail, and I finish my grim task.

When at last the box settles, the rich sweet scent of the earth rushes up to greet me. I reach for a bit of dirt to toss down upon her, adding a bit of ceremony to the moment. It feels cold and wet between my fingers; I try not to think of her spending eternity there.

I gingerly sprinkle it in upon her, as I hear them calling me back to that room, filled with so many faces. And as I walk away, I hear myself say those words at last…

Goodbye.