I would work on getting rid of most of your “be” verbs. In an essay of this kind (non-fiction, report, etc), it’s a little difficult, but there’s alot of verbs you can try. It’s easy to do – print out a copy and highlight or circle every “be” verb (all forms of to be: be, being, been, is, am, are, was, were, etc.) For example:

“After a year, the chances that a PVS patient will regain consciousness are slim” could be “the chances of regaining consciousness severly decrease.” or something of that nature.

After you’ve got that down, work on making the paragraph flow. Some specific points are:

1. After saying “persistent vegitative state” you should say “, or PVS,” OR “(PVS)” to clarify.

2. You use “however” too much, there’s plenty of introductory words to use, and if you can’t find one that’s not however that doesn’t fit, pick a different way to write that sentence.

3. The sentences “However, in most instances this is not the case. This has rarely been the case after a patient has been in a PVS state for more than a year. After a year, the chances that a PVS patient will regain consciousness are slim and most patients who do recover consciousness experience significant disability” have a few things wrong with them. One, they kind of don’t flow. You could try rewriting them so you don’t repeat information too much; it’s awkward. Also, there should be a comma after “slim” because the two parts before and after the “and” are complete sentences.

4. The phrase “the point of being able to take care of themselves” is a little awkward. Maybe you could say “a point of self-sufficiency” instead.

5. After that you go from factual to sounding like you arguing with your parents. Remember that you are only going to convince people based on factual information. When you say that they have no cognitive functions, you are getting back to facts, but you continue to state your opinions in a hurried manner. Take your time.

6. Okay, a little bit of grammar at this point. You have “want” several times, and it should be “won’t”. Also, “usually” should come after “are”. You should never start a sentence with “And” – only when you are combinig it with a comma and another sentence. There should be a comma before “so” in the last sentence, and instead of “hospitable”, it’s “hospital”. Also, the last few sentences (like I said) sound very jumbled and not at all concise.

Okay, after you work on that, here’s a few tips:

Include lots of different vocabulary: I know you kind of have to say the same thing over and over again (like the word patients or recovery, etc.), so try to mix it up and use something that’s not so similar.

Try and remember who you are talking to and what you are trying to say at all times. You know exactly where you want to move from the first sentence to the last sentence, so try to make one idea flow to the next.

Be concise – give reasons (fact-based reasons) why you feel the way you do.

Always make sure to use the proper grammar! =]