The Unexpected World of Discovery and Freedom

Scintillating flames of color heralded the coming dawn. The bitumen roads greeted the warmth of the sun, as the songbirds whistled tunefully in delight. Brisbane slowly opened its eyes, stretched, and awoke to the call of a new day. While I stood to admire the sunrise of the morning, I felt a small smile break the stillness of my face. The dreamy hours flew by swiftly, that before long, I realized my little sisters were already squabbling over Barbie dolls, and the boys were fighting over their turn to play in the sandpit, but I guess it really was Mom and Dad who had the frantic work of putting the kids in order and settling silly fights.

It was a typical Saturday morning, I tried to focus myself on the kids, when my sister Jessica stormed unexpectedly and snapped, “I’m not helping with the chores today. Matt asked me out.”

Mom, startled and curious, asked her, “I thought you weren’t supposed to go out. Didn’t we make that rule that you’re not allowed to date until you’re 18?”

Chuckling in front of mom, she sneered, “I don’t care. I’m going anyway!”.

The argument continued, and I felt so sorry for Mom who was shocked by her reply. Jessica seemed to have grown rebellious ever since she turned 13 and never seemed to care about what anyone else taught her.

Dad, overhearing their noisy morning conversation from the other room, looked sternly into Jessica’s face and announced, “If you’re going to disobey your mother and I, and date this guy, don’t think of coming back here anymore. I can’t put up with this any longer.”

With a stammered face, she argued,“ Great father, you’re not even worthy to be called ‘Daddy’ anymore!”

It hit through dad’s heart, and I know. For he paused for awhile, was reflecting on what she said, but finally blurted out,

“That’s fine, Jessica, I won’t bother calling you my daughter too! But I must tell you that I do not approve of your behavior.”

“Fine, I’m leaving! I ain’t going back here, old man!”, Jessica uttered, showing how irritated she is.

Sadness captivated them. Few words could mean a lot. What the daughter uttered clashed through the father’s heart, and left it bleeding. Dad turned back, he left without a word to his room and retired from the early fight. Jessica, on the other hand, stomped her feet as she marched to her room. She slammed the door, locked it tightly.

Hours passed, and dinner is soon to be served. I heard a gush through Jessica’s door. There she is – with her things all packed up, went away without a word of “goodbye” to mom, dad, or even her siblings. I knew she felt bad on what happened lately, for I saw her eyes, glaring with anger, and shame. She wouldn’t admit, but I knew she felt sorry for dad, and that she really cares.

An ear piercing screech from the outside, an indication of Matt’s arrival, broke through the silence that wrapped us when Jessica left. That guy, rich, young, gorgeous, proud of his red hot Ferrari came along to fetch her. She jumped into his car, thrusting her luggage at the backseats, and within a blink of an eye, the car dashed faraway.

They sped, fast and furiously, and arrived on time for the party. Even from the outside, Jessica can hear naughty music played, but she didn’t mind. Matt escorted her to a room full of people. Jessica was petrified by what she saw – teenagers smoking and drinking, a couple of them kissing. She was stunned and stupefied, but not long, even before she could realize, Matt held her tightly, and kissed her passionately.

The disco, the wine, cigarettes, and the kiss, all bewildered Jessica. She managed to escape from his grip, and ran to the parking lot. She approached the car, took her luggage, and darted away when Matt chased and grabbed her arm tightly, and said, “Where are you going Jessica? Can’t you see we’re having fun?”. Jessica screamed with a hoarse voice, “ I’m going home! You can date other girls there! Everything I saw, I can’t take it anymore, dad was right!” Matt ignored what she said and held her more tightly, but he eventually lost her, when a hard slap from Jessica hit his face.

It was almost midnight. The children are asleep, but mom and dad are still awake. They are worried about Jessica and are planning to call the police, when a loud knock on the door eased their weary hearts. Mother hurried towards the door, and opened it hastily. “Jessica, my daughter! Are you okay?”, she said, as tears of joy dripped from her eyes. Jessica, so pale, and fair, took some time to answer. She was totally lost, and cold as ice. Mom’s mere presence gave her warmth that she didn’t feel for ages.

She hugged her, and helped her with the luggage, and took her to the main room. There’s dad, sank in his deepest thoughts of concern for his daughter. Jessica, with teary eyes, knelt before him and said, “Daddy, I knew that you tried to prevent the ‘freedom’ you gave me, see a devastating ‘discovery’. I am wrong on how I dealt with you lately. I am sorry father, I love you so much.”

Daddy never spoke a word. He pick his daughter up, dried her tears and hugged her so tightly. Jessica wept on her father’s shoulder. She learned a lesson, but the hard way.

The night, so dull and ever tragic, slipped, as the moon said goodbye, and paved a way for mother sun. She rose for a new day, a new beginning clearing bad memories away.

Well, to be honest and kind at the same time ; ) you did not start off well – opposed to the answerers before me, I think unfitting overly-long words do not really contribute to your short story – I think, keep it nice and simple – however, use more subtle descriptions. Don’t use difficult words but instead pan out the phrases; add delicate bits to your sentences. It will still be a short story as in having short length, but it will have greater depth if you do what I’ve advised.

I however like the ending – I think the very last sentences were poorly written but if you improve the sentences and create emotion and tension – after all, Jessica is afraid he Dad might get angry – in my opinion, don’t tell – show!

Don’t just say they were drinking and smoking… show it. Let her talking to someone who is doing just that. Visualise it for the reader. Describe the room they’re in.

It is obviously a story to raise emotions. For that you need to be in Jessica’s mind rather than her brother’s. That way the reader can directly relate to her. It doesn’t have to be in the 1st Person – I personally advise you to use the 3rd Person.

You can improve it and you need to describe and show more. I think the voice you’re using is like a narrator – that distances the reader from the story.

Anyway, good luck – hope I could help

I am very impressed. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’d say this is an A worthy essay and sounds (at least) at an eleventh grade level. You use many real life examples and explain both sides of your point very well. The only thing that struck me as blatantly unprofessional is your use of “Firstly” and “Secondly”. It’s a word that young children like to use when listing things and do not have enough time to come up with a proper introductory sentence for that paragraph or addition to their list. I would suggest changing “Firstly” and “Secondly”. Some of your sentences are also very long. They are not run-ons, but some are hard to follow. I would break some sentences up. Otherwise, it’s uber-good. Though my opinion is only that of one person, so have many others proof-read this for you. Parents are great for this kind of thing. Revision is really the key to a good paper. Nice work!

Hmm, is that all the story? It doesn’t really end that well but I think it’s pretty good. One critiscism though, the first 4 sentences seem like they were written by a completely different person then the rest of the story, they are much more descriptive and use a very different vocabulary. It would be an amazing short story if you could write the whole thing like you wrote the very begining of the story. Keep writing, you’re good at it!

i did some thing crappier but i still won…

and this is pretty good… but is the rest was more like the beginning that would be REALLY good

and like you can work on the plot but…

i enjoyed reading it, this is pretty good