A few days ago
Missy!~

Help me ASAP please! This is a poem for my english class! can you help me fix it and make it somewhat better?

Carefully picking up the pieces of glass

she was again reminded of her broken past

her framed memories from so long ago

If only she knew that time would go so fast

The edges of the glass cut into her skin

His family she had made into her own kin

Her glass cleaned up, her frame no more

Heart sick she throw it in the bin

Slowly bandaging the wound her glass had made

Knowing that time cannot heal what has become jade

Trying to hold on to all she knew

Re-framing their picture so her memories would not fade.

Thank you! I wrote this for my Lit. class…But I wrote only one of the three I needed to write… So please fix anything you can…

The last word must rhyme…Like AABA, BBCD, CCDC….

So my biggest question was is my “Jade” in the right spot? You know like jaded? Broken down? Is that right?

HELP ME PLEASE!

Top 3 Answers
A few days ago
Mr. Vincent Van Jessup

Favorite Answer

I will give you my opinion.

This is your most awkward, problematic stanza:

” Slowly bandaging the wound her glass had made

Knowing that time cannot heal what has become jade

Trying to hold on to all she knew

Re-framing their picture so her memories would not fade.”

Let’s work on that. “Jade” seems forced here. To say something has become jade is not the same, or close, as saying experience has jaded someone. It’s shaky usage, which you cannot afford in the pared, pinpoint language of a poem. “Bandaging” is too long a word and makes the line awkward for being a few syllables too long. I changed it to the simpler “wrap”. “Fade” is a good, evocative word, but I moved it up to another spot in your poem, and ended with another “ade”-rhyming word instead. There are still traces of awkwardness in the last stanza, but I think it’s better overall, reads more smoothly, and tortures the language marginally less, and makes more sense.

“She wraps the wound the glass has made

And sees that time cannot heal, nor can it fade

The frame where she held the things she knew,

The shattered image where her memories are laid.”

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A few days ago
freedom
I don’t know Lit. class, but I’ve written a lot of poems in my life and I think yours if perfectly wonderful, and Jade is in the right spot in my eyes.
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A few days ago
thedudeabides!!!
this is actually very good.except for the bin part which for me takes away the aura of what is shown in the first and last stanza.you could change it to”stricken with grief,her heart is in sorrow.”im no professional but hope this helps.
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