Very visual, keep going.

Hm. Ok, I have some suggestions 🙂 Firstly, if you’re looking for feedback on thought formation and ‘storytelling’ (by storytelling I think you mean plot development and pacing?) I think you should choose a different way to ask for feedback. An excerpt like the one you’ve presented demonstrates neither of those things because it spans only a very short time within the story. It pretty much only demonstrates the things you specifically ask us to ignore – character development, grammar, prose, context. Maybe you could post a plot outline next time. By nature, romance is extremely character-driven, and this story seems no exception. By telling us that your characters have yet to be developed, we’re kind of left thinking, “Ok … then what are we looking at here?” It seems that none of the questions the woman asks are answered. That’s fine, literature is big on unanswered questions. But there must be a reason, and you must use hints to make readers aware of this reason, of your line of thought. I sense that the reason here either appears in part of the story you didn’t post, or that you’re trying to paint your male lead as mysterious. If the latter, we need to see some of the reasoning process (your thought formation) within him that leads to those unanswered questions, or he just seems like a flat, uninteresting character. Your female lead is also in danger of reading ‘flat’ because all her dialogue is generic. You could pretty much copy and paste every sentence she utters into the mouths of various distraught lovers I’ve seen in other movies or books. Maybe she could reference past scenes in the story that brought her to this point, and make us remember a time in her existence within the story when we felt differently about her. (In my opinion, that’s the key to a beautifully developed character – the ability to control and add nuance to the way the reader feels about them in a way that feels natural) For example,”What do I have to do to make you look at me again, the way you used to …” With the addition of just few words, this sentence could be a great opportunity to carry the plot forward. … to make you look at me again, the way you used to, the way you looked at me that night on the Ferris Wheel … the way you looked at me when I woke up from my coma and your face was the only thing in the world that was left in my memory …” etc. I hope you don’t feel too criticized, I just wish you’d give us more to work with 🙂 ps- you might find more helpful feedback on Booksie than yahoo answers.

Fabulous! I want to know more!

Hey not bad!