I’m sixteen years old, and folks, if you don’t remember what it’s like, let me refresh your memory. You’re at the school dance, desperately applying blush to hide your latest acne bumps, dancing like you have two left feet, looking like an unspeakable idiot, laughing with your friends as if this is your intention, and meanwhile hoping that anyone of the opposite sex simply acknowledges the fact that you exist. Of all the creatures under the milky way, the sixteen year old is the most awkward.

After another disappointing day at school, another failed attempt to get Sarah Baines to for crying out loud simply speak to me, another day of collecting nothing but unanswered prayers, I get to stumble home to my disfunctional family.

Mom is a “business woman.” This means she wears pant suits and scrutinizes the Wall Street Journal and does everything that Ward Cleaver used to do in that “Leave it to Beaver” show. Dad is a day trader. That means he sits around in his bathrobe playing Playstation when he should be reading the Wall Street Journal and doing all the things that Ward Cleaver used to do. Also living with us is my Uncle Albert who can’t work because he’s off his gourd and thinks he’s Admiral Halsey. My older sister is 25 and still lives with us because she can’t find a “sugar daddy.” Whatever the hell that means. In an environment like this is it any wonder that I’m doomed?

One time, the entire family dragged me with them on a vacation to the Florida Keys. There we were, this mismatched lot, sitting under the boardwalk and eyeballing each other suspiciously, no one even sure what to say. Fortunately the tense moment was broken up when 300 lb Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey came walking up in a striped bathing suit with an inflatable duck around his middle mumbling, “ugga ugga boo ugga boo boo ugga.” I tell you, if I’m ever in a boring business meeting later in life, I’m asking Uncle Albert to come along. But do you see what I mean? How in the hell can a sixteen year old boy blaze the path to his own future in a place like this? United we stand in mutual insanity.

Help! Until I gain control again, I need to get away! Can you take me? Will you be my calgon?! At the very least, can you get Sarah Baines to CALL me?

Help!

(line) UNDER THE BOARDWALK to have a chat wit God about all his (line) UNANSWERED PRAYERS.

His discourse went something like this:

Our Father, who art (line) UNDER THE MILKYWAY, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, (line) UNTIL I GAIN CONTROL AGAIN, or on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; Forgive us our debts as we forvige our debtors. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from (line) UNSPEAKABLE things. For thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, Forever snd ever (line) UNITED WE STAND. Amen.

Then he prayed in the Holy Spirit: “UGGA UGGA BOO UGGA BOO BOO UGGA.”

*sighs* Uncle Albert was a bit of a Kook…….

The UNSPEAKABLE had happened. We were lost! A simple little three hour tour to a nearby village had turned into a nighmare. Our esteamed leaders, UNCLE ALBERT and ADMIRAL HALSEY forged on bravely blazing a trail through the dense jungle. “Remember, men! Divided we stand! United we fall!” Uncle Albert shouted back to the rest of us as he raised his machete high, the silver flask he had been nipping from in his other hand. “Or is that UNITED WE STAND? Oh, well, Whichever,” he added taking another little nip. “Forward ho!”

Visions of lazy days spent lounging UNDER THE BOARDWALK came to mind. Lazy days and balmy nights spent UNDER THE MILKY WAY. But Mom had won this “wonderful” family African Safari vacation and enstead of the beach, here they were lost in a hot, mosquito infested jungle. “Lord? Just pick me up and send me back to the beach,” I prayed. But, like all UNANSWERED PRAYERS, it went unanswered. I was still here.

“Shhhh!” , Admiral Halsey warned. “I think I hear voices! We all froze instantly as we listened. “UGGA UGGA BOO UGGA BOO BOO UGGA!” “It sounds like head hunters!” Admiral Halsey whispered as he dropped to all fours and started crawling forward. We all followed suit. My heart was beating like a jackhammer. I could see my shrunken head hanging from some native’s trophy belt. “Lord, send me to Myrtle Beach!” Still no answer.

Halsey motioned for us to come closer. We crawled forward and peeped over the bush. My heart leapt to my throat and threatened to choke me. There was a dozen or more half naked natives banishing spears and dancing around a frightened girl tied to a post in their midst as they chanted the same thing over and over again.

Suddenly, from out of the jungle, came…..a shout? a yell? a rour? What could have made that sound? Then, swinging into the clearing, came a man with long flowing hair wearing nothing but a leopard loin cloth! Tarzen?! Wait a minute! Tarzen was a myth created by Edgar Rice Burroughs! What was he doing here?!

“Cut!” A man wearing a beret appeared. “John, afraid we’re gonna have to shoot that again. The camera angle wasn’t right.”, he said to Tarzen as the natives gathered around. The girl shook her hands free and joined the group.

It was a movie set!! I grabbed Uncle Alberts little silver flask and dranined it, JUST UNTIL I GAIN CONTROL AGAIN. You understand.

One summer, my husband and I had a very unique experience while we were at the beach staying in our Uncle Albert’s beach house. Most nights, we’d just go out on the deck to watch the stars. We held hands under the Milky Way while we talked of our dreams for the future. But one night, we decided to take a walk on the beach. When we walked under the boardwalk, we saw one of the most ugliest things that is almost unspeakable. Right at our feet, there lay an elephant seal that had been caught in a fisherman’s net and left to die on the beach. We were pretty upset, let me tell you. My husband started ranting and raving about people with no shame who would leave an animal to die on a lonely beach. I told him we should call the police, and he said, “I don’t want to talk to anyone until I gain control again. I don’t want to be this upset on the phone to the police.”

My husband and I walked back to the beach house and he called the police. He described what happened and the dispatcher said she’d send someone over to take our statement. While we waited for the officer to show up, we decided to watch a movie on TV to try to calm down. We were watching a biography of Patrick Henry. Patrick Henry was just saying, “United we stand, divided we fall” when the knock finally came at the door. I reached over and grabbed the remote to turn off the TV.

But it turns out is wasn’t the police at all, it was a young woman with a baby asking to use the phone. Her car had just broken down and she wanted to call her friend to come get her. Seeing her in such a plight, I offered her a drink while she waited. My husband walked over to the baby still nestled in her car seat carrier and made a funny face while saying “Ugga Ugga Boo Ugga Boo Boo Ugga”. The baby started to cry, so I told my husband he’d helped out enough and would he please go get something the baby could play with.

The young girl started telling me her story. She was so thankful to us for taking her in while she waited for her friend. You see, a year before, she’d broken down on the road and a guy stopped to help her, but instead he ended up assaulting her, and the result was her baby. She said night after night she’d prayed for God to take the baby away, that she didn’t want it. “But,” she said, “Thank God for unanswered prayers.” And explained how happy she was with her little girl and how much her life had changed just because of the wonderful love she shared with her little girl. The story brought tears to my eyes. She gave me a hug when her friend showed up, and I wished her luck.

Finally, as the young woman and her baby were being driven away, the police officer drove up. He took down the report and said he’d be talking to the Coast Guard about the elephant seal and they’d be able to solve the situation. He thanked us for letting them know of the poor animal and called in to dispatch to tell them to let his uncle, Admiral Halsey, know another seal had been found dead on the beach. He gave the coordinates of where the seal was and then asked us if we had any questions. We were tired and more than ready for bed after such an eventful night, so we said no, showed the officer to the door and went promptly to bed.

What an amazing vacation we had; but, thankfully, the rest of the week was uneventful.

The End