A few days ago

Nole’t

Does this sentence make sense?

I can’t decide. This is what I want to write:

“Her face turned slightly, our eyes met. I drowned in their depths for a moment, lost in the dark turbulent sea, and then swam to shore.”

My problem is with the second sentence. I say I drowned in ‘their’ depths, referring to her eyes, but I never mentioned specifically HER eyes, I said OUR eyes met. Am I being too nitpicky or does this make sense? Before, I had:

“Her face turned slightly, our eyes met. I drowned in her eyes for a moment,” (…)

but, I didn’t like saying the word ‘eyes’ so many times.

Top 10 Answers

A few days ago

mrr86

Favorite Answer

No, it does sound weird.

I was consumed by their depth.

Her face turned slightly. Her eyes met mine. I drowned in their depth for a moment.

I don’t know if depth should be with an (s) or not.

Hope I helped!

A few days ago

Anonymous

Change the first sentence so that the girl’s eyes are more emphasized. Then the reader, having the visual of her eyes in mind, will know what ‘their’ means in the second sentence.

Something like this: ‘She turned her face slightly, the intensity of her eyes overwhelming me. I drowned in their depths for a moment, lost in the dark turbulent sea, and then swam to shore.’

Hope this helps.

A few days ago

ihrobin

“Her face turned slightly; our eyes met. I drowned in the depth of hers for a moment, lost in the dark turbulent sea; and then swam to shore.”

A few days ago

~~*Paradise Dreams*~~

Well, it makes sense that you would be talking about HER eyes, you can’t get lost in the depths of your own eyes unless you are looking in the mirror. But it does sound a little akward, you could try adding “I drowned in the depths of her eyes” I wouldn’t add “for a moment” only becuase if you drown, you die, you don’t come back up so that doesn’t make sense. But that sounds awesome, good luck on your piece!

A few days ago

Anonymous

She turned her head slightly, so that our gazes locked. For a moment I felt helpless, lost in the dark turbulent depths of her eyes, but then I blinked and the spell was broken. I turned and headed back to the safety of the shore.

A few days ago

Anonymous

I don’t think you’re being too nitpicky, and I do think it would be more powerful to say “I drowned in the depths of her eyes, lost..” So perhaps look at rewording the first sentence? “Her face turned toward mine. I drowned in the depths of her eyes, lost…” No need to mention eyes in both.

A few days ago

callAspadeAspade

How about:

Her face turned slightly, my eyes met hers and for a moment I drowned in their depths.

A few days ago

jess(:

Could you say “Her face turned slightly, our eyes met. I drowned in the depths of hers [or a word to convey that you’re looking at the set of eyes opposite of your own] for a moment and became lost in the turbulent sea, until finally swimming ashore.”? Or….Something like that?

Gah, I’m very sympathetic to you right now. I run into these types of problems ALL THE TIME.

A few days ago

UPESKYMO

When you say “I drowned in their depths for a moment”, you are then referring to the eyes. The word their depths meaning the depths of her eyes. Leave it as is.

A few days ago

neophyte

the sentence is nice except for the part – dark turbulent sea, it seems a little like you are looking into the eyes of someone filled with hatred or darkness inside of her,unless that was really what you really are trying to say.but if you are trying to tell a love story…just a suggestion, how bout…lost in the brilliant sea.;o)

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