Ok, “Worst Walk Ever.”

I was walking Guinness…again… seems like he always has to go out, and I don’t enjoy walking him in the rain AT ALL. But, a dog’s gotta do what a dog’s gotta do. I turned the corner at Berkeley and Franklin, following one of Guinness’ favorite routes. Suddenly I heard a door slam behind me.

“Hey, HEY YOU!” a deep male voice boomed. I turned and saw a beer-gutted dude in green work pants and a wife beater undershirt barreling towards me across a big patch of weeds. “If that dog poops on my lawn one more time, I’m gonna staple it’s rear shut!” He jabbed a sausage-like finger in my face.

“Run, Guinness, run like the wind!” I shouted, and we both fled, Guinness occasionally cutting me off, causing me to stop short. “God, I hate it when you do that!” I said panting as hard as he.

We reached the apartment building, and caught the elevator. Just as the door was sliding closed, a gloved hand interrupted its movement, forcing it back open. A very tall man in a ski mask entered the elevator. My mind raced. “Uh, say hello to my little friend? His name’s Guinness?”

He stared mutely at the opposite wall. The elevator reached our floor, and, with every ounce of casualness I could muster, I exited quietly, dragging Guinness along; he’d been jumping all over the man’s pants, wagging is oscar meyer weiner tail furiously.

“I’ll be back….NOT” I said sideways to Guinness as we trotted down the hall to my apartment.

There was only one floor above us, so I knew where the suspicious looking fellow was headed. Once I reached my apartment, I heard poundings and screams from the floor above..

“That’s Mitzy’s place! Holy crap, I bet it’s that guy! Come on Guinness, we have to do something!”

I reached for the phone, and dialed Mitzy’s number.

“Mitzy? Are you OK, I heard….”

“Oh, my god, help me…” she cried. During the seconds that followed, the phone sounded like it was being used to scrub the floor..then..

“Who is thisss?” a male voice.

I pulled my chin down and did my best John Wayne imitation…”My name is Little John. But don’t be fooled. In life, I’m very big, pppilgrim. What’s thuh drill? I’ll have ya know I called thuh cops.”

The line went dead. Immediately, I heard footsteps racing down the indoor fire escape. I waited a minute, then hastened up to Mitzy’s apartment.

“Mitzy…what? What the heck’s going on! You’re BLEEDING, oh my god!”

“It’s only a flesh wound. He stabbed my cat. She’s ok…oh, not me silly, my cat. It’s my Charlie’s blood. Custody dispute over our Charlie, couldn’t be resolved…..honey, are you OK?”

“Ugh, I am going downstairs to have a DRINK. You in?”

Man, I sure need one after reading this sorry attempt, hahaha. those were hard to mix up.

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