“Stella! STTEEeellllaaaaaAA!”

“Calm down,” snapped the winsome young maiden , “You’ve been drinking Cokes all day. And besides, my name is Beatrice.”

“I’ll take another Coke please,” grinned Sheldon. The maiden threw one down to him, from her upstairs bedroom window. He caught it and popped it open with relish.

“Thanks, Alice.”

“That’s Beatrice, fool.”

But no sooner than Sheldon sipped from the metallic red can, when his face contorted into a twitching, repulsed mass. He spat out the soda in a wide arc of sticky brown mist.

“Blaaah!” he screamed, “Oh God, this is horribly old! This tastes like an orange foot, Mary Jo!”

“Well,” drawled Beatrice, “That’s New Coke, introduced nearly 20 years ago. Horrid, isn’t it?”

It took Sheldon another ten minutes to regain his composure.

He dabbed his chin with a napkin, then realized he had

written a list of errands to do on the other side. He surveyed it carefully, while Beatrice impatiently teased her hair.

“La-dee-da, la-dee-da….”

“Quiet, Simone! I’m trying to figure out this list!”

“For the last time, my name is BEATRICE. And you’re supposed to rescue me.”

“Rescue you? From WHAT?”

Beatrice sighed, and rolled her crystalline green-gray eyes. “Well, from the evil ogre. But it may as well be from boredom, now.”

Sheldon nodded, then disappeared. Moments later, a Yugo with a giant wooden rams head came speeding up the driveway. Sheldon laid on the horn, waving one free hand out the sun roof.

“Oh dear God,” muttered Beatrice, “You have a freak flag, you just don’t fly it.”

“Huzzah!” yelled Sheldon, revving up the Yugo’s ailing engine, “It’s not a car, it’s a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: “Hey you, soldier! Follow us!”

Beatrice watched with a mixture of curiosity and morbid embarrassment, as the rusting orange automobile skittered up the front porch, through the front living room window, and tipped over in front of the ogre’s widescreen TV.

“Who dares?!” bellowed the ogre, gravely upset that

Sheldon’s Yugo was now parked in his seven-layer dip.

“I am Sheldon, young courageous knight from the Order of the Crimson Cobra! And I am here to test you, foul ogre!”

“ A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti,” quipped the ogre, grasping Sheldon and drizzling Dijon mustard over the youth’s head and arms.

“No, wait!”

The ogre stopped and turned to the stairwell. Beatrice was frantically waving her arms.

“Please, no! You mustn’t!”

“Very well,” said the ogre, putting Sheldon down on the rug, “I can tell that you love him. And in this mystical, enchanted suburbia, true love is the only thing that can — “

“No, no, you’ve got it all wrong,” grumbled Beatrice. She handed the ogre a tall bottle of wasabi-garlic sauce. “Dijon’s fine, but for true human eating pleasure, you gotta have this.”

“Why thank you, Beatrice,” smiled the ogre. “How true that is.”

Sheldon’s eyes bulged frantically. “WHY are you helping HIM, Olivia?”

“Because he actually keeps a good home,” shrugged Beatrice. “And besides, he gets my name right!”

“Beatrice, Beatrice, Beatrice”, mused Sheldon, as he was eagerly being swallowed whole by the ogre. “By gosh, when I get that down and memorized, we’ll see who the Big Man is around here…..”

END

She lay motionless on the ground. Blood spurted from the gash in her neck. She was dead.

Edgar, the homeless drag queen had been skipping down the alley, glancing now and then at the garbage piles in the French Quarter, ” My, Oh my, will ya looky this,’ nother dead body, huh? Haaaay! Stella! STELLLLLLLLLLLA! Will ya come looka this, Another one. See I told you he was back.”

Stella Duval also a down-on-his-luck drag queen a.k.a. Kenny Duval rushed over to see Edgar bending over the body. “What on Earth are you doing? Don’t touch that! Who do you think you are? Miss La-dee-da, la-dee-da. You better not touch, you don’t know where it’s been. It could have something.”

“Is this your handiwork?”

“Calm down. You’ve been drinking Cokes all day. You are so hyper. And you know I only eat white meat. But then there was that time in 1980, a census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. He had sort of a wild flavor, must’ve been the chitterlings he’d eaten earlier that day. Ahhh, yes, I remember. ”

From across the alley near Conti Street, a domestic disturbance was in full scream. “Listen here you lowlife piece of trash, don’t come at me with my not being patriotic, I was in Viet Nam, fighting the commies & you were over here protesting the war. It’s my flag. I know you have a freak flag. You just don’t fly it. NO! You can’t have mine. GO “WAY!!!!”

“Don’t yell at me. I ain’t one of your soldiers. There you go again. Don’t call my car a tank just because it used to be a Hearse.”

“So, have it your way. It’s not a car, its a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: “Hey you, soldier! Follow us!”

“Shut the devil up, your Lithium has worn off and you’re talking crazy again. Here take your pills and be sure you eat that soup. Well, just taste it anyway.”

“There’s a maggot in this, blaaah! Oh God, this is horribly old! This tastes like an orange foot. Did you step in it?”

“Well…”

Sirens were heard in the distance…The Crescent City will be loud tonight…So many people and so little time…

And the dark clothed man walked into the night…

(one million) The sport plan didn’t name for me to run (6) into the wild. It used to be intended to be a best quiet Christmas Eve as a substitute it’s changing into (10) “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” (two) Why did I get married to this airhead besides? I must have recognized that any individual crying on the (nine) Bee Movie used to be more commonly a couple of slices wanting a loaf. If she had most effective advised me prior that her mom desired to be with us for Christmas, I would have run over there the day past. Instead, right here I am at eleven:00 PM on Christmas Eve using part manner (eight) around the universe to opt for up a girl who jogs my memory of a type of creatures you spot in a sci-fi film pronouncing (five)“We possess the night time.” Well I desire she’s blissful while I eventually get her again to her (three) Martian baby. That house cadet remains to be considering why I wasn’t brimming with pleasure to go out this overdue on Christmas Eve. OK, I am performed with my little rant. I can be OK via the next day. Coming up the stairs to the residence, I can pay attention the (7) tune inside (Here Comes Santa Clause) and it warms my middle understanding how a lot my house cadet loves Christmas. And I understand she may have a “targeted gift” for me on Christmas night time, peculiarly while she sees I purchased presents to exchange all of the (four) matters we misplaced within the hearth she began while she inspiration including a bit of gas to the logs within the hearth could support hot the residence extra.

♥oh wow. oh my this looks like fun………………….

*thinks* hmmmmm, maybe i’ll give it a shot…………

It was a dreadful day at the Office. The Executive staff had been called in for yet another one of Doug’s “Meetings”. He was rather unhappy with the low rate of profitability and the decline in sales lately at the Company. This was going to be yet another very long, tedious, monotonous, very mentally taxing day.

As the staff sat around the table… Doug went on with his speech…. that was more or less like a borderline scolding rant from a parent to a child than it was a profesional discourse from a VP to his Executives.

Doug went on for two hours. Then, due to the complaints of a few of his staff, he finally agreed it was okay for them to take a fast potty break. There had been a “continental breakfast” of sorts provided for the meeting, though it more or less resembled a Pot Luck, but even so it was Food, and the staff was starved. They grabbed a few items of choice off of the “snack table” and promply took their seats again so that Doug could continue on with his rant.

Within the few minutes of that designated “break time” there suddenly errupted chaos. A disgusted voice rose above the quiet chit-chat, (line) “BLAAAH! OH GOD, THIS IS HORRIBLY OLD! THIS TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE FOOT!” exclaimed Mona, spitting out the food into her napkin. She had taken a bite of what was supposed to be peach cobbler. “What is this crap supposed to be?” she said, “It’s disgusting!”

“Calm down,” exclaimed Harvey, (line) “CALM DOWN. YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING COKES ALL DAY.” he said.

“You calm down dorkward,” Mona replied, “This tastes like rotted garbage!” “Oh i’m sure it can’t be that bad,” replied Harvey. “Oooohhh noo?” said an indignant Mona, “Fine, then you try eating it!” she said dropping the food onto Harvey’s plate. “Oh gross,” Linus chuckled, getting involved in the discussion. “Now that was uncalled for!” exclaimed Harvey. “You pick that up and get me another plate of jello mold,” he said adamantly. “No way,” she replied. “You’d better!” he exclaimed. “Or what….?” said Mona, suddenly challenging Harvey’s demand. “Or I’ll…….. i’ll…” stammerd an angry Harvey. ” You know…” said Mona leaning back in her chair, staring directly at Harvey, (line) “A CENSUS TAKER ONCE TRIED TO TEST ME. I ATE HIS LIVER WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI.”

“Girl… that’s hillarious!” said Linus bursting out with laughter. “What are you laughing at?” said an embarassed Harvey. “Um…… erm,” said a startled Linus, (line) “LA-DEE-DA, LA-DEE-DA,” he replied looking down at his plate, pushing the food to the corner, pretending to have not heard Harvey.

In those few seconds of brief silence a loud interjection came from across the room. (line) “IT’S NOT A CAR, IT’S A BATTERING RAM. THIS IS WHAT PATTON DROVE: “HEY YOU, SOLDIER! FOLLOW US!” exclaimed Jack. “Oh that’s complete nonsense!” said Minnie. “If (line) YOU HAVE A FREAK FLAG. YOU JUST DON’T FLY IT!” Jack and Minnie were in the middle of another one of their heated political debates. “Oh Gawd,” huffed an annoyed Linus, “If the two of ya’ll don’t stop them, this could get ugly.”

“I’m not stopping anything until Mona gets me another plate of Jello mold,” whined Harvey. Mona turned her head quickly giving Harvey a sharp look. “Oh grow up,” she said.

Arriving back from his potty break, Jorge walked into the room, suddenly taken aback by the commotion.

“Oh thank God, Jorge!” exclaimed Mona pointing to Jack and Minnie. “Stop them!” “What?” replied a confused Jeorge. “Stop them!” she said again, still pointing. “Politial debate at 3 o’clock!” “Oh no!” excalimed Jeorge. He knew all too well where Jack and Minnie’s political debates often led. Not knowing whether to run over to them or throw something to grab their attention, suddenly, sporadically Jeorge yelled at the top of his lungs, (line) “STELLA! STELLLLLLLLLLLA!” Jack and Minnie quieted immediately, turning around to stare at Jeorge rather quizzically. “Erm… are you okay there Jeorge?” said Minnie.

“Yeah, if you’re not okay there buddy maybe you should go home,” added Jack. “Oh I’m okay,” exclaimed Jeorge. “It’s just that uh……..” he said frantically looking around the room. “It’s uh… that this Jello mold is fantastic!” he said rushing to the snack table, and scooping a huge spoonful onto his plate. “Oh okay…..” started Minnie.

Mona sighed a sigh of relief. “Good Job Jeorge,” she whispered. “Yeah thanks,” added Harvey. Then quickly turning to Mona he said, “And speaking of Jello Mold….” “Don’t start!” warned Mona, “Remember, Fava Beans and Chianti my friend, Fava Beans and Chianti.” she added.

Just then Doug walked into the room. “Okay, everyone. Sorry to cut the break time short, but we have a lot of areas still to cover and we’re running out of time here,” he said. Everyone quieted. “Oh okay….. let’s get started then….. okay, sounds great,” mumbled the group in unison. “Everyone enjoy the break? How’re the deserts? Are they okay?” asked Doug. “Oh fine, fine…. it’s okay,” mumbled the group again. “Great Peach Cobbler!” interjected Harvey. “Oh boy!” Linus chuckeld. “What?” said Harvey. Mona shot him a look. “I ought to stick a fork right into you hand.” she whispered. “You said it tasted like garbage, I didn’t” he whispered back. “That’s okay,” said Mona, “It’s all good. Fava Beans and Chianti my friend, Fava Beans and Chianti.” “You want some?” said Harvey lifing up the napkin that Mona had previously expelled the Cobbler into.

Then they all started to chuckle. When it came down to it… they all really got along just fine.

—> ♥ **The End** ♥ <---