Circa 1876

“Strip Poker…… Or NOT!!”

(3)” I HATE Las Vegas,” shouted Festus Haggen!!

Doc:”Okay. Okay. Settle down! Then we won’t play that. Mmmmmmm. How about a game of “Old Maid?”

Kitty:”Why did you look at me when you said that , Doc?!” Still upset over the loss of U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon to Sunshine MacGIllicutty, she was overly sensitive……(5) “I’d rather play strip poker!”

Festus squinted his eye so hard it began to throb! Doc spit out his coffee and checked his pulse.

Matt walked into the Long Branch, over to the card table……

“Doc?! what’s wrong with YOU?!”

Doc:” (4) My heart jumped out of my chest!”

Matt:”What’s going on, here?”

Kitty:”I merely told them that a rousing game of Strip Poker would be more fun than……(almost in a whisper)…..Old Maid.”

Matt:”Well, Kitty. (2) You know what they say, ‘unlucky at cards, lucky in love….. ”

Kity:” HAH!!! Easy for YOU to say!!! You jumped from my bed to Sundown Mac Idiot’s !!!’

Matt frowned…… “Listen. Ever since you and I broke up, (1) You are definitely NOT playing with a full deck. Sure you want to take on these two card sharks??? Shoot! They’ll have you naked before you know what’s happened!!” All three men laughed raucously!!!

Kitty:” Matt. (6) Do you have ANY idea what it’s like to sit in this bar DAY AFTER DAY, listening to half *** jokes from drunken cowboys who’d just as soon mount their own sister as they would any stranger on the street?! I put up with assine behavior ALL DAY LONG…..And I will NOT sit here and have you debase me!!!” She got up and stormed out of the saloon.

Doc watched her leave….Then slowly his eyes rested on Matt……”Do you realize what you just BLEW FOR ME??!!

Have you ANY idea how long I have wanted to play that game with her??!!!! Of course not!!! You’re so busy banging Sunshine, you’ve lost track of the rest of us!!! I’m so upset I could cry!!” He stormed off……With Festus close behind!

4) My heart jumped out of my chest! I so desperately wanted to do my best at this job, make a good impression. I mean, this was GRISSOM, the best of the best.

“Well, 2) You know what they say, “unlucky at cards and you might just end up dead.”

Grissom glared. “You know,” he whispered through clenched teeth, “I’ve NEVER heard that. But I DO know that 1) You are definitely NOT playing with a full deck!”

“Sorry, but neither was the victim. Here, look closely. All the major arcana are missing. This isn’t a tarot layout; somebody was using these as a substitute for REAL cards, playing stud poker. And look — there’s aces and eights’s showing. Didn’t you mention that the victim’s name was Billie Hickok?”

“Yes, so. . .?”

“Well, my guess is you might want to put out an APB for . . . Jack McCall.”

Grissom cringed. “Man, sometimes 3) I HATE Las Vegas!! What kind of lunatic commits a murder by re-enacting a scene out of 1876?”

“Got me, boss. Me, 5) I’d rather play strip poker!” I waggled my eyebrows, suggestively — and was delighted to see I’d managed to make the poor man blush. Well, I GUESS it’s a blush. Maybe he’s just red from getting mad? Hmmmm — seems to be turning purple now. Maybe I’d better RUN!

The streets were lit up like fireworks and music coming from everywhere. I was like a kid let loose in a huge toy store. We had barely booked into our hotel room when I grabbed Nancy’s hand and said, “Let’s go! I want to shake those dice and have a few hands of Black Jack. I’m here to win, win, and win!”

“Hold on gambler boy,” my wife interrupted, “We aren’t here to lose our savings.”

“Hey who said I’m going to lose? Come on Nancy give me a chance.”

Two hours later I had lost four month’s wages. I just looked at Nancy and said, “Just wait Hun, I’ll get it back. You know what they say, “unlucky at cards”, better luck at the machines.”

“Good one Larry, where did you here that piece of crap?” she said sarcastically.

I pumped money into the machines like it was growing on trees. “Twenty dollars,I won, I’m in!” I said to Nancy who was looking totally fed up and uninterested. “This is the start.”

I threw the whole twenty back in and MY HEART JUMPED OUT OF MY CHEST. $10,000 was heading my way! Two gold bars, the third one was there, slowed down and went right on by. “I HATE LAS VEGAS!” I screamed pounding the machine at the same time. “I’ve been ripped off all night.”

Nancy could take no more and shouted back, “I’D RATHER PLAY STRIP POKER, at least then I’d only loose my clothes!”

“Yeah, you would wouldn’t you?” I yelled back.(Which Nancy wouldn’t dream of)

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO be married to you right now Larry? I don’t know you, and if you’ll pardon the pun YOU ARE DEFINITELY “NOT” PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK. This is one anniversary I won’t forget. Thank you Larry!” she finished and stormed off.

When I got back to the room Nancy had packed up and left. I knew I was in big trouble and would take a lot of groveling to get back into her good books. We had a wonderful marriage up until now.

A week later I was allowed back in the house and somehow Nancy was able to forgive me. I swore to her and myself I would never look at a gambling game again unless it was strip poker with her.

There was a tiny grin on her face when I said that. My best bet was sitting right in front of me. I was one lucky man!

Coming out of my momentary state of shock, I heard the dealer tell Joe he was out. But, by now Joe knew I had recognized him. He leaned in my direction saying, with a wink, “You know what they say, ‘unlucky at cards, lucky in love!’ How the heck are ya’? My gosh you look fabulous and haven’t aged a bit !” Before I could respond, Joe rambled on saying “Let’s go back to my room and have a drink for old times sake!” At this point, my husband was getting quite angry at Joe, and not knowing our connection, he told him to stop bothering me. Thinking Sam was just another prospect for a fun time with me, Joe conceitedly bragged, “Hey buddy, accept your losses. You are definitely NOT playing with a full deck if you can’t see this hot chick would rather be with me!” Sam started to take a swing at Joe, but I managed to plant myself in the middle and screamed in Joe’s ear “I’d rather play strip poker with Dracula!” With that, Joe shouted “I HATE Las Vegas!!” and turned on his heel, storming out of the casino. Sam looked at me and remarked “Who was that guy anyway? He seemed to know you?”

“Gee, honey, remember there are a lot of kooks in this world today.” I threw my arms around Sam and gave him a long, hard kiss. Then I whispered, “Let’s go up to our room and play strip poker, Dracula!”