Circa 1876

The scene opens in Matt’s office….U.S.Marshal.

Festus was admiring and talking to the two fish that he had caught…….(4) So your name is “Rosie” and YOUR name is “Buck.” Festus turned to Matt.

“You know Matthew……I got to thinking while I was out fishing this morning….”

Doc interrupted.

Doc:”Stop right there. You did WHAT ?! Did you say you were THINKING? (3) I knew someday the time would come to have my ears checked!!”

Festus:”What in tarnation are you a’jabbering about? I’m a tryin’ to tell you something important if you’d give me a chance.”

Matt smiled…..They were at it, again. He had grown accustomed to the daily, good natured bantering that ensued between Doc and Festus.

Festus:”The thing is…..(5) Life is like a day at the fishing hole.

Don’t ya see? You jest never know what’s a gonna come your way. I mean, who knew I would finally catch old “Buck” and “Rosie”? You see what I mean, Matthew?”

Matt:”Can’t say as I do, Festus.”

Doc:”Just hold on a minute, Matt. The wizard of the ridiculous is going to explain. Go ahead, Festus . Tell us why life is like a day at the fishing hole.” He chuckled and wiped his face, as he always does.

Festus:”Ya old scutter. As I was a sayin’…..You see…..you never know what ….” They were interrupted by the sounds of gunfire. Then a voice called out:”DILLON!!! Get your *** out here!!”

Matt jumped up from his desk. In his efforts to get his gunbelt fastened and his hat on, he and Festus collided. Doc tried to get out of the way, but he slipped on “Rosie.” Matt tripped over Doc as he headed for the door.

“DILLON!!! You HEAR ME??!!”

Matt, Struggling to get disentangled from Doc and the catfish…….” I’ll be there in a second!!”

When he finally got outside, he was confronted by Gary Buzzy: http://images.allmoviephoto.com/2005_Into_the_West/2005_into_the_west_015.jpg

Gary:”What took you so long?!”

Matt:”It was God awful in there….First Festus, then Doc and the catfish….I tell you, I feel a migraine coming on!”

Gary:” Did you say FESTUS ?! He’s the reason I’m here, Marshal. I found him fishin’ on my property again. I’m getting mighty sick of telling him to vamoose!” Festus, holding Buck The Catfish, tried to stand behind Doc,hoping not to be noticed.

Gary:”I see you, you little weasel. I’m sure you’ve been tellin’ your friends a bunch of fishin’ tales. Well let me tell YOU one !! I’m gonna kill you the next time you set foot on my property! And (2) Dead men don’t tell no tales.(that’s a double negative!!).”

Matt started to reach for his gun. He drew…..It turns out he was holding “Rosie,” instead of his pistol!! “What the hell?”

Gary was just about to shoot Matt when Festus threw “Buck” at him, knocking the pistol from his hand!!

Festus pointed his gun at Gary…….”Hands up, you mean old yayoo…..(1) It’s the end of the road, the buck stops here.”

The barmaid looked a bit of alright, I ordered a whisky and chatted to her. “So, your name is Rosie?’ Could this be THE Rosie I had come to find?? I knew that some day the time would come to track her down and tell her the truth.

It looks like it’s the end of the road, the buck stops here. But did I have the courage to tell her?? How would she take it? She was a grown girl now, and a mighty pretty one at that. Why, when she was born, I could have swore she was gonna end up looking like the gorilla at the local zoo! It just goes to show that life is like a box of lucky dips, you pays your money and you takes your chances! I had a few more whiskies, trying to build up the courage to tell her. I’d travelled 3,000 miles for this moment.

I thought better of it, and decided she’d be better off not knowing. I took out my 6 shooter put it under my chin. Bang!! After all, dead men tell no tales!

The beach was beautiful as I approached the sign that read it’s “The end of the road”. “The buck stops here” I thought. It was time to ask her about her comments.

She saw me and immediately approached. “So, your name is Rosie? I never imagined that you would have the courage to face me.” “Dead men tell no tales, and I am not about to lay down for your need to gossip.”

“So what do you mean?” she said. “Life is like a long night” I said. “The light eventually comes.”

I scowled at Jeanette’s newest prospect for me. I knew someday the time would come to give her a piece of my mind; her meddling was getting annoying.

“Yes, I’m Rosie. As in ring-around-the. As in Bye Bye Birdie. As in I’m not interested in you.”

He smiled, unconcerned. “You know, life is like a highway that’s been built in the middle of a forest preserve. It’s the end of the road; the buck stops here.”

I turned to leave. “I wish you were a buck on a highway that’s been built in the middle of a forest preserve. Dead men don’t tell no tales. (that’s a double negative!!)”

“I know what a double negative is,” he snapped. “I’m an English teacher: intelligent as well as brawny.”

“You’re an English teacher?” I asked, curious.

He smirked. “I specialize in subordinate clauses.”

I turned around, ready to give him a second chance. He had hit my weak spot. Maybe this one wouldn’t break my heart like the others. The problem with being named Rosie is the colored glasses that come with it.