Max stood on Louise’s grooming table, bored, barely tolerating her grooming.

“Take the ribbon from my hair.” he snapped petulantly. I’m tired of havin’ to wear that crap. Five nights and one afternoon a week, ribbons and glitzy collars… and six days a week, practicin’ for the act!”

Louise’s brush caught in Max’s fur. “Don’t push me ’cause I’m close to the edge, Louise” Max snapped again.

Louise began to cry.

Even if his breed was close to indeterminate, Max was a real ladies dog and a real gentledog. Louise was blonde and buxom, and he couldn’t stand to see her tears.

“Aw, geez, Louise, where did that come from!? I bust my butt day after day for the show, got no time for myself at all, and here it’s soon gonna be another Saturday night and I aint got nobody! So how comes you’re the one cryin’ !?”

Louise sniffled. “I keep thinkin’ about Harry, Max. Just can’t ever get ‘im outta my mind. You know, we was together for 15 years. He wasn’t no great shakes, but I still loved ‘im. An I keep on thinkin’ about ‘im, day after day.”

“Ya know, Louise, you and me’s two of a kind. Trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born. But I still got me some faith, ya know? A change is comin’ for old Max and Louise. You just put that nice leather collar on me, the one with the gold studs, and put me on that matchin’ leash. Then you go pretty yourself up and let’s go find you a man with a pretty little poodle. Whatta ya say?”

“Oh, Max, could we!? I’m so tired of mopin’ around.”

“You bet, Louisie. Now go on and fix yerself up. I’ll just sit here and read the magazines in the waitin’ room while you get ready… Hey!… Jeeves… bring the car up from the parking lot in 30 minutes. Me and Louise’s got ourselves an important date.”

That afternoon, Louise met a wonderful guy named Frank who had a saucy little miniature black-furred Pomeranian named Molly. That evening, Frank and Louise drank wine together in front of the fireplace while Max and Molly drank designer water together from Molly’s dish and played tug o’ war with the bearskin rug.

Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody. Guess I might as well get dressed and go out instead of just laying around feeling sorry for myself. Maybe take in a movie. First, I’ll take the ribbon from my hair, and just put it up in a clip. Then I’ll put on my new jeans, highest heels and a tank top. So, I leave my apartment, and the first thing I see is a guy carrying a sign, “A Change is Coming.” I take that as an omen, that my life will change, but in what way? Will someone new come into my life? I proceed to the subway, and as I am standing at the edge of the platform a mugger attempts to grab my purse. I cry out, “Don’t push me ‘cause I’m close to the edge.” As he wrestles my purse away from me, I trip on my heels and fall onto the track. My last thoughts before the train hit me were, “trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born.”

Trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born. I watch Survivorman on t.v. I know ALL about his abilities to exist for a week in difficult environments — a mountaintop, the desert, a tropic rain forest. Survivorman should have to live for one week in the rugged urban environment that I have to negotiate EVERY DAY of my life, not for just one week.

Another Saturday night, and I aint got nobody to deliver decent food. Equipped only with the owner’s manual to the stove, I trek my way into the wilds of my kitchen. Picking through rotting flesh and vegitation in my fridge, I manage to find something with green parts that’s not bendy. I debate about eating it, but as I look I can tell a change is coming. Exposure to atmosphere is rapidly turning it brown. I remember the last case of food poisoning I had when I dared to consume that wild tuna sushi that was only, after all, two weeks old.

Finally, I manage to uncover a pizza in the freezer. Must build a fire. Armed only with the knob to the stove and my innate desire to survive, I turn the knob clockwise, reading the correct heating temperature from the instructions on the package. By using my wits, I’ve managed to secure food and build a fire in which to cook it!

I had thought to drop pages from the latest Newsweek along my path, and following them I found my way back to my shelter in the living room. I would need liquids soon, or I would be in danger of dehydrating. I wondered if there was anything like that where I found the pizza.

Returning to my shelter, I notice it is becoming warm. I must find a way to secure my comfort before nightfall. Finding my way along the wall, I use a technique that is known only to the most savvy urban survivalists. I locate a device known as a “thermostat,” and set my air conditioner to a lower, more comfortable setting.

Soon, it will be dark. I must find a place to sleep where I am protected from predators. Don’t push me ’cause I’m close to the edge. This time, dropping pages from the New York Times, I make my way to a “bedroom.” There, I find a primitive structure made of foam and inner springs, on which I will suffer a restless sleep. I take the ribbon from my hair, saving it carefully for later use.

Tomorrow, I must venture along the trails to find some source of unspoiled food.

I can remember when I was just a little boy. My mother sat me down one day and told me that a change is coming. When I asked what she told me I would find out soon. Then puberty set in, and her words came true to a T. With all those hormones coursing through my veins I was like a rabid bull with a clamp on its testicles. “Don’t push me ’cause I’m close to the edge!” I would often be heard to cry to disinterested listeners. My inability to control my anguish and a lack of social ability meant that one weekend it was another Saturday night and I aint got nobody. Then this girl walks past me and asks why I’m so down. I tell her that I’m growing up and I’m slightly confused about all the changes in my body. She looked at me in a pondering fashion, then smile and turned her back to me, pointing to her ponytail. “Take the ribbon from my hair” she requested, so I did so. Her hair fell out like a golden waterfall across her shoulders. “Now take the ribbon from dress” she requested, so I did so. Her dress fell to the ground and her supple figure was revealed. “Now take the string from my bra” she requests, so I did so. Her bra dropped to the floor, and she turned around to me completely naked. It was then that I understood what was going on with me. I looked at her, smiled and said “Thanks for making me realise I’m gay”. What can I say? Trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born.

This is based on a real experience. Only the facts have been grossly exaggerated for the humorous effect. Hubby and I happily departed on what we thought would be our ‘dream second honeymoon’. We had rented a picturesque log cabin in the mountains beside a beautiful lake. It even came with a boat and stables for our use. Total privacy was promised; We were looking forward to swimming, boating, and riding. We could hardly wait. Upon arriving, we stared in abject shock at our ‘picturesque’ cabin. In it’s place stood a RAMSHACKLE old shack that had definitely seen better days and was in danger of falling down now. Cautiously we stepped upon the CREAKY front porch. Maybe it was better on the inside. But, no, it looked just as bad on the inside, if not worse. A thick layer of dust cover everything with little animal tracks of God only knows what kind. I opened a sagging door and stared in SURPRISED shock at the ‘fully equiped indoor facilities’. There stood a large MASON JAR and an old wooden wash tub straight out of the 1800s! A PARASOL was leaning against the wall with a printed sign above it. “Use in case of rain”. I looked up and, sure enough, there was no roof over the ‘fully equiped facilities’! I stepped back into the single room that served as everything. The kitchen was a wood burning stove, a rickedy old table with 2 rope bottom chairs. The bedroom was a home-made wooden frame with rope stretched across it and topped with a stained and torn cotton mattress. I almost stumbled back outside in disapointment. Hubby pointed out a lean-to off to the left. “That must be the stables,” he commented as we headed that way. Inside, we found one stall occupied by one old sway-backed grey MULE. She brayed loudly on seeing us. The beautiful lake turned out to be a staggant pond of green scum and the one boat I wouldn’t have trusted to float in a bathtub! This whole place had an eerie TIME MACHINE quality. I just wanted to get back to civilization. Now I understood the unbelievable low price of $22.00 a day. We had shelled out $154.00 for a whole week. Our dream holiday had turned into a nightmare. But it was money well spent for the lesson we learned. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Would I do it again? NOOOOOOOO!!

(line) TROUBLE’S BEEN DOGGIN’ MY SOUL SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN. So (line) DON’T PUSH ME ‘CAUSE I’M CLOSE TO THE EDGE.

I’ve been stood up again. It’s (line) ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT AND I AIN’T GOT NOBODY, So, (line) TAKE THE RIBBON FROM MY HAIR…… and hold my ring, (line) A CHANGE IS COMING…………..

Back at the office, Monday morning. She’d been alone all weekend, her man had stood her up. Humming the melody from “another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody” she walked through reception without her usual greetings to Miss Grinteeth. She was in foul spirits.

Entering the small office (with a window) she threw her purse onto the client chair, sat behind the desk and leaned her head down onto its surface. The flashing message light caught her eye. She jabbed the retrieve button, hit speaker.

“Miss Tuffnut, I expected to see your brief on the differences between French and U.S. Federal law regarding the rule against perpetuities during the development of colonial, anti-royalism on my desk this morning. See me at once.”

“Trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born.” she muttered, shaken by Partner Windbag’s tone.

She tapped on his door.

“Tuffnut? That you? Come in!” Windbag barked.

She entered and faltered…three of the firm’s top partners were seated in Windbag’s office.

“A change is coming, Miss Tuffnut” Windbag announced. We’ve agreed that if you don’t get this brief on my desk before you leave here today, you’re FIRED!” Partner Hotair said.

“Well just TAKE the RIBBON from my HAIR!” She replied, “and see if I CARE!” She spun on her heel, exited, slamming the door behind her.

She collected her things from her space, and nearly collided with Associate Hangnail on her way out.

“Hey Tuffnut, where’re ya off to? Getting coffee? Hey, I sure could use a cup, and while you’re at it…”

“DON’T PUSH ME ’cause I’m close to the edge, Hangnail.” She hissed.

Out on the street, it was a glorious day. Crispy, cloudless, the scent of Fall tickled her breath. “I’m FREE!” she sighed.

Her step quickened on the sidewalk, click clack click clack. Then slowed… click…clack….click….clack… “Wow, what’m I going to do for money now?” she wondered. “A change is a’comin’ INDEED!”

She felt great. The possibilities were endless, and the guys were countless.

Dodge City, Kansas

Circa 1876

“Just Another Saturday Night”

Kitty Russell stared into her half empty, TALL glass of cheap rotgut…… (3) “Another Saturday night and I aint got nobody.

In the old days,,,,In the GOOD old GRAND old days, Matt would be in my arms by this hour. Oh, GAWD!!! MATT!!!!

I could just STRANGLE you!!!” U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon had left Kitty for Sunshine MacGillicutty.

” How could you leave me for that insipid HILLBILLY?!?!?!?! If I hear her say, ‘Hee Haw’ ONE more time, I swear I’ll kick her teeth out!!!!!!”

She took a long gulp……”(1) A change is coming!!! As God is my WITNESS, a change is indeed coming!!”

Just as she was closing the doors to the Long Branch, the saloon she owned and managed, Matt poked his head in……”You okay, Kitty?” He walked in and looked around. “I thought I heard you talking to someone.”

Kitty:” You did. I was talking to a miserably unhappy person. Someone who is on the verge of bodily harm.”

Matt:”Who?”

Kitty:”ME!!!” She jumped up on a chair( Matt was 6’7′) kissing him as hard as she possibly could. Matt lurched backwards falling over a tray of glasses and bottles. He was “out for the count.”

Kitty:” At last!!! My chance to get him upstairs !….SAM!!!”

Sam The Bartender and Willy What’s- His- Name, the last drunk of the night, carried Matt upstairs to Kitty’s room.

Sam:”Where shall we put him, Miss Kitty?” Kitty looked over at her bed and gave a huge, unMISTAKEABLE wink. After slipping Sam and Willy a twenty each, she locked the door.

She danced around the room doing several pirouettes before resting on the side of the bed……..”(4) Take the ribbon from my hair, Matt darling….. Oh, yeah….You’re unconscious.”

She undressed quickly, gargled for 5 minutes and doused on enough lilac dusting powder to choke an elephant!

Kitty:”♫ “Tonight. Tonight. I’ll sleep with Matt, tonight. T’will be the night of nights, I declare.

Such hugs. Such kissin’. He’ll see what he’s been missin’. He’ll come back to my life …….to my LIFE!!!

Dear Lorrrrrrrrd, I’ve prayed. I pleaded for this day. And now he’s in my bed……. Oh DEAR LOOOOOOOOOOORDDDDD!!!♫”

Matt started waking up………”Ooooooh, Sunshine darling……

It’s so good to be with you, baby……(2) Don’t push me ’cause I’m close to the edge of the bed, sweetie. ” As he reached out his arms, he opened his eyes………”AAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!”

He jumped up so fast, Kitty was knocked to the floor! He grabbed his hat and ran out the door quicker than a jackrabbit !!

Kitty got up slowing and sat in a chair. She poured herself another drink……….. ” Well…….Another Saturday night, shot to HELL!! Yep….Just me and old Randy Scouse Git Rotgut. ” (Her drink of choice.)

She looked in the mirror………”Don’t mind if I do.” She drank the rest of the bottle. “Yep….*HIC*…….(5) Trouble’s been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born……… It’s just another night in the life of a woman traveling through Hell.”

Through her window she heard Matt riding out of town…. To Sunshine’s farm…….

Kitty:” Yep……..It’s just another Saturday night.”

change is coming