Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like Dizzy Dean…

Costello: His brother Daffy

Abbott: Daffy Dean…

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofe’

Abbott: Goofe’ Dean. Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…

Costello: That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names.

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who’s on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing…

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first.

Abbott: That’s the man’s name.

Costello: That’s who’s name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s who?

Abbott: Yes. PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who’s playing first?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets…

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Who gets the money…

Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who’s wife?

Abbott: Yes. PAUSE

Abbott: What’s wrong with that?

Costello: I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign…

Abbott: That’s how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes. PAUSE

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guys name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don’t change the players around.

Costello: I’m not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I’m only asking you, who’s the guy on first base?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: OK.

Abbott: Alright. PAUSE

Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s on third, we’re not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who’s playing first.

Costello: What’s on base?

Abbott: What’s on second.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again! PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don’t go off it.

Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who’s playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third.

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don’t want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don’t know. Together: Third base! PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who’s playing left field.

Abbott: Who’s playing first.

Costello: I’m not…stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what’s the guy’s name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first!

Costello: I don’t know. Together: Third base! PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he’s center field. PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher’s name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?

Abbott: I’m telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

Costello: I’ll break you’re arm if you say who’s on first!!! I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name?

Abbott: What’s on second.

Costello: I don’t know. Together: Third base! PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher’s name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow’s pitching.

Abbott: Now you’ve got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. PAUSE

Costello: You know I’m a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! PAUSE

Abbott: That’s all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who’s got it?

Abbott: Naturally. PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don’t you throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s different.

Costello: That’s what I said.

Abbott: you’re not saying it…

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that’s our shortstop.

Costello: (makes screaming sound)

Second Base: What

Third base: I Don’t Know

Left field: Why

Center Field: Because

Pitcher: Tomorrow

Catcher: Today

Shortstop: I Don’t Give a Darn!

I’m not going to cut and paste the full skit in here, others have done that.

I’m just going to say “Who’s On First” has to be in the Top 5 classic comedy skits of all time.

so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark I’ll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays

very peculiar names.

LOU: Funny names?

BUD: Nicknames, pet names. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who’s on first,

What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third—

LOU: That’s what I want to find out; I want you to tell me the names of the fellows

on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I’m telling you: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third.

LOU: You know the fellows’ names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then, who’s playin’ first?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: I mean the fellow’s name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin’ first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well what are you askin’ me for?

BUD: I’m not asking you—I’m telling you: Who is on first.

LOU: I’m asking you—who’s on first?

BUD: That’s the man’s name!

LOU: That’s who’s name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman!

BUD: Who is on first!

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly!

LOU: Then who’s playing first?

BUD: Absolutely!

LOU: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it! And why not, the man’s entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who’s wife?

BUD: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: That’s what I’m trying to find out!

BUD: Well, don’t change the players around.

LOU: I’m not changing nobody!

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What’s the guy’s name on first base?

BUD: What’s the guy’s name on second base.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD: He’s on third. We’re not talking about him.

LOU: How did I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who’s playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?!

BUD: Well, what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what’s the guy’s name on third base?

BUD: What’s on second.

LOU: I’m not asking ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD: He’s on third.

LOU: There I go, back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can’t change their names.

LOU: Will you please stay on third base?

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know?

LOU: What is the fellow’s name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow’s name on second base.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second!

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD & LOU: Third base!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder’s name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.

BUD: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

LOU: Then tell me who’s playing left field?

BUD: Who’s playing first!

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don’t mention any names out here!

LOU: I want to know what’s the fellow’s name in left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second!

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don’t know!

BUD & LOU: Third base!

BUD: Now take it easy, take it easy, man.

LOU: And the left fielder’s name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because!

BUD: Oh, he’s center field.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?

BUD: Wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I dunno. Tell me the pitcher’s name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don’t want to tell me today?

BUD: I’m tell you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?!

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on—

LOU: I’ll break your arm if you say who’s on first!

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name?

BUD: What’s on second.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD & LOU: Third base!!

LOU: You gotta catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The catcher’s name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow’s pitching.

BUD: Now you’ve got it.

LOU: That’s all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team, that’s all.

BUD: Well, I can’t help that. All right. What do you want me to do?

LOU: Gotta catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: I’m a good catcher too you know.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I’m being a good catcher, Tomorrow’s pitching on the

team, and I’m catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball—

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball—me being a good catcher—I want to throw the guy

out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

LOU: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

BUD: Well, that’s all you have to do.

LOU: Is to throw it to first base?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who’s got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you’ve got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don’t, you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally!

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don’t! You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally!

BUD: Well, that’s it. Say it that way.

LOU: That’s what I said!

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I’d throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don’t. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes!

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No! You throw the ball to first base—

LOU: Then who gets it?!

BUD: Naturally!

LOU: That’s what I’m saying!

BUD: You’re not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally!

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally!

BUD: Naturally. Well, say it that way.

LOU: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!

BUD: Now don’t get excited. Now don’t get excited.

LOU: I throw the ball to first base—

BUD: Then Who gets it!

LOU: HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: All right, now don’t get excited. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.

Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know.

I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow—a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know.

He’s on third, and I don’t care!

BUD: What was that?

LOU: I said, I DON’T CARE!

BUD: Oh, that’s our shortstop!