This paragraph is filled with grammar errors, confusion of verb tenses, confusion of imagery (dying wind of November, leaves fluttering); leaves can’t be fluttering if there’s no wind and they would all be gone by November anyway. In addition, you have rain “hammering down,” after you say it’s making a “delicate noise.” Hammers don’t make delicate noises, and, anyway nothing could possibly flutter in such weather, even if it existed. I suggest that you visualize (picture in your mind) the scene before you describe it. Make an outline first, then write the paragraph. This one is unacceptable by any standards, I’m sorry to say And finally “agen” is spelled “again.”

Try to keep most things in the past tense and we can’t write something for you. Don’t use so much visual descriptions because most people don’t care what things look like in a book because no matter how much you describe something they’ll never be able to see it. Rely more on emotions.

Note: Use the past tense when telling the story and when someone is speaking most of the time use the present tense. There are many excetpions to this rule but it’s just best to keep that in mind while you make them speak.