A few days ago
life_rules

Opening of story?

This is the opening paragraph of my story. Anything I should add

The Crash

I can remember it like it was yesterday, not that I want to remember. I was driving home from a party with my girlfriend. We had a few drinks and I wasn’t paying attention to the speed. I kept going faster and faster. I remember Jess pleading me to stop, I wished I had listened and none of this would have happened. But I was 18 and thought I was impenetrable, nothing could hurt me.

The scream that my girlfriend let out was horrifying. It was a nightmare only worse as it was real. It was too late; I was defenseless and I could do nothing. The two cars crashed head on like two raging bulls fighting. They where ballerinas, dancing around each other before crashing to the ground meters away from where they had leaped into the air. The scene was like a painting by Salvador Dalí, with out of place objects littering the narrow jet-black street .

The crash was a ripped and crumpled page from the story of my life

Top 4 Answers
A few days ago
Civis Romanus

Favorite Answer

Your story begins well, but there is one problem. You use several metaphors when you should aim for only one. You describe the crash in terms of bulls, ballerinas, a Dali painting, and a ripped, crumpled page.

Can I make a suggestion? Why not rewrite your second paragraph and use only the page metaphor? You could say that the cars were like bits of paper caught up in a gust of wind, whirling around each other, then being shredded into little bits and littering the street — like fragments of your life.

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A few days ago
Anonymous
Nope, you pretty much covered it. Your opening, “I can remember it like it was yesterday” is pretty cliché though; you may want to change that.

Are you a professional writer, by the way?

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A few days ago
Anonymous
nice starting~ fluent
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A few days ago
angelblu
no thats brilliant
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