A few days ago
gravytrain036

Need more proofreading help. Much appreciated!?

THis is a paragraph I wote… do you get the point? Is it strong enough?

Thesis: Realistically, a lasting Democracy in Iraq is not a feat the United States can accomplish.

The United States has much pride in its democratic form of government, but one size does not fit all. Iraq is a highly divided nation of different ethnic groups such as the Arabs, Kurdish, Turkomans, and Assyrians. Within those ehtinic groups are two even more divided Muslim groups; the Shi’as (60-65%) and the Sunnis (32-37%). An important facet of Democracy is the seperation of church and state. In a country that has a 97% devout Muslim population, this seperation does not seem likely. For this reason a democratic government is not best suited for Iraq. The dominance of the Shi’a Muslims provides for many opportunities of corruption. This loose form of democracy will eventually lead to another form of dictatorship by the Shi’a, who have more supporters than any other group. This will take the Iraqi’s

Top 2 Answers
A few days ago
psalmsmuse

Favorite Answer

You have too many ideas in the paragraph. I’d recommend striking the bit about Separation of Church and State; that way, the paragraph would flow from ethnic groups to distrust and opportunities for corruption and make logical sense.

Your assertion that Separation of Church and State is necessary for a Democracy is out of place in the paragraph and is at any rate indefensible. Jefferson coined that phrase to protect the Church, not the State, and our Consitution and Declaration of Independence specifically invoke The Creator for their authority. Just something to think about…

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A few days ago
Timothy Y
This sounds great. It is stong and is to the point.
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