by Stephan E. Fouché

It hurts, it hurts so much. (Add a comma “,”)

Sometimes I feel sad,

So sad I can’t even breathe.

Outside is warm but inside is so cold,

So cold it makes all my body shiver.

(I loved your poem up to here…)

What should I do?

I just want to live,

Live without fearing my past as an enemy,

Without having death as my last acquaintance.

(But then the timing and rhythm of the above last two lines threw me off a bit)

What should I do?

With my heart who is never at peace,

I cannot think or act on my own free will,

I feel manipulated and there is no way to escape.

(Same thing as previous verse…. the timing threw me off… it was the last two lines…)

(But then I love from here on…. because the timing and rhythm is the same as at the beginning… which I told you I liked…)

I have no hope of a future to look up to,

A future full with glory and laughter.

All my energy and emotions are being drained,

Drained out of me leaving nothing,

Nothing but a tormented mind,

Like I don’t live anymore.

(Semi-colon was missing in the first line… also add the “d” at the end of combine…)

This is the feeling of loneliness”;” it is worse than death,

Death itself combined with an uncontrollable pain.

(ummm… you could also have worded the above two lines this way…)

This is the feeling of loneliness; it is worse than death.

It’s death itself combine with an uncontrollable pain.

My only way out is my dreams and tears,

But it all comes back to the same ol’ thing. (Not sure if my adding the “ol’ ” makes it better… seemed like it needed another word… but that’s just my opinion… Actually I thought of “damn” first…. but don’t know if your using that is allowed… so I figured “ol’ ” was a bit softer than “damn”… I suppose you could always use “dang”)

Being ambushed in my loneliness… (Maybe add the three periods at the end?)

It really was a great poem…. You’re a good poet…. You have great command of your words and conveyed your ideas and feelings of loneliness well…. Feel free to ignore any of my comments…. just figured I’d comment since you asked…

If you want a critique of their piece and you didn’t write it – then I would say the writer is very sad about their life. That someone is abusing them or hurting them deeply, and they could be contemplating suicide as a way to get out of the situation.