Is your essay to be graded on its content or its writing? These cross-train but the focus differs. Your content is fine providing “everyday problems” leave you with enough meat to flesh out examples of what you should be thinking over a meal, crossing the street and boarding an airplane. That three part sentence is what you have told your reader you were going to explain in supporting your last sentence and to support your conclusion.

The word selection could use some upgrade. Concerning the first sentence “Nearly two out of five”…. you need to find a way to site your source (otherwise it is like “Where did he find that?”)..and review the ending of that sentence…. “a lot” is one of those vague overused terms you can and should upgrade. Upgrading phrases while keeping your original meaning and tone is for me a fun task in learning to write.

Introductions classicly contain

1)the initial statement or question.

2) a three part sentence regarding that inital opener

3) a short preliminary conclusion that will be supported by the rest of the essay.

The mid blocks of and essay are three paragraphs discussing what was promised in the three part sentence.

And last a paragraph fleshing out the conclusion which contains at least one “INGOT…Innovative kNowlegable Gem Of Thought,” not already discussed above, to reward your reader for wading through the article.

PS

I did not realize you were in 8th grade until after I had posted this but I imagine what I learned in college is now being taught much younger. My grandson is in fifth grade and he is doing algebra math questions I did not learn until college. For one so young I think you are doing very well.

I think it’s good, I dont know about the expectations for your essay but most essays don’t have I statements. So for the last bit you could say …It may be more productive to focus more on everyday problems., or, Our focus should be more on coping with everyday problems that we face, rather than being concerned about situations that our out of our control.I would give it well the same mark as the person above (60%)

you changed it…actually examples do best in sets of threes, so I would add another question, it looks out of balance. I think the plane idea is okay….it’s reality, people DO worry about that, even though it might not be realistic, that’s the whole point of your essay

and it’s could be seriously injured by a car not can…lol sorry to sound picky…ive spent two years doing uni essays so i hope it helps

The first and last sentences need improvement. I would delete the first sentence since it is redundant. Move “a countless number” sentence to the first sentence in your paragraph. Then transition into the questions with “For example, do you worry about choking when you eat?” and so on.

The last sentence of the paragraph should clue the reader into what the rest of the essay is about. Some teachers do not like the use of first person.

….any of these questions, you may fall in the ‘worriers’ category. Countless numbers of people worry about remote, statistically improbable risks. Our focus, in my opinion, should be on day to day problems and leave the improbable ones alone.

where did you get that statistic??? 2 out of 5 people worry a lot??? it sounds like generalized BS to be honest with you. its like saying 2 out of 5 surveys are made up. if you really think about it 5 out of 5 people worry. everyone worries. most people dont worry about choking when they eat, or getting hit when they cross a street. that sounds more like phobias or paranoid schitzophrenia. you could say nearly 2 out of 5 people have a phobia about something, but it would be better to find out the actual statistic. fear of falling from heights, fear of suffocating in an enclosed space, fear of spider bites would probably be better examples. what grade is this for?? anything in high school and your teacher will tear this apart. below high school you might be able to get away with it as long as you try to make a point and your grammar is correct. never put phrases like i think in your papers. “I” should never be used in a paper. you gotta find a better way to say that. where do you plan on going from here after this paragraph?? its always best to make at least 3 main points in your intro paragraph and then spend a paragraph elaborating each of those points.

ok i just read the rest of your updated question and your renewed paragraph. your going from more decisive to reaching. your went from you fall into the category to you may fall into the category, and i think that is worse. if you are going to make a point you have to at least be decisive. you should take out the in my opinion part. the sentence is better without it. your final sentence should start with something like therefore, people should focus on more everyday problems, work on stress relief, and try to not think about things that aren’t in their control. then the reader knows what you are going to talk about in your essay, YOU know what your going to talk about in your essay and you have a topic for each paragraph that is going to help your point. of course you dont have to use those exact points but think of ones on your own.

Try deciding on a quote from both of the 3, like from Lord Capulet “Hang thee, younger luggage! disobedient wretch!” or Friar Lawrence “I dare not keep.” describe a few bacround of the tragedy. EX. “For on no account used to be a tale of extra woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.” In Romeo and Juliet by means of Willian Shakespere, Romeo and Juliet are megastar crossed fans, and their younger lives are reduce brief by means of an untimley dying. Is it simply destiny? Or are men and women at fault right here? Friar Lawrence, Lord Capulet and Juliet’s Nurse are accountable…

ya its great but the only thing is you have given a example of eating which we do in our day-to-day life..n then you have written the last sentence as we should focus…………..everyday problems ..i guess that is a bit incorrect..you can take help of some sites too for writing your essay..such as schoolessays.com,englishessays.com,essays.com etc…i guess i will rate it as 6/10

80% on the first 4-5 sentences the remain na (none)

i agree with the above person..60++%….maybe you could change the sentence structure a bit…do not always start with when you…….it may seem quite boring.. =)

50% just failed.

Leave terrorists out of it, and change it do you think it is going to crash.

The rest is alright.